AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any question about Adultery. I have experience in dealing with what to expect, how it makes you feel when you find out, etc. My first marriage ended after my "ex" cheated on me. I know how it feels to be cheated on and what you experience while going through adultery. I will answer any of your questions on Adultery to the best of my ability. I have extensive knowledge on this subject. How it not only effect you but your whole family (including the children). I can give you answers on how to deal with it, some of the signs a mate may be cheating, etc. All questions about adultery are welcome.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 5/3/2008 Subject: How do I forgive my husband for cheating and leaving?
Question My husband and I had a wonderful relationship. We remained close for our entire relationship. We always made time for us and had a trust so deep it can't be explained. Our love and respect for each other was 'obvious' to our friends.
It is the second marriage for each of us. We each have 3 children from our first marriage and no children together. We have been together 14 years and our only big issue has been the children. Blending our families has been very difficult and the stress in the house became so horrible our relationship began to suffer. I knew things were tense and we weren't as good as we had been. I wanted marriage counseling but he doesn't like therapists so he wouldn't cooperate with it. One day, completely out of the blue, he said "I need to leave and figure out what I want". He left that night, leaving his 19 year old college student son with me. I was shocked. I knew there was a lot of stress but I had no idea. I fell apart. 2 days later I tried to talk to him and got a feeling. I showed up at the house where he was staying. There I found a car that didn't belong. He let me in and I asked who the car belonged to and he made up a story. I fell apart and told him how I was feeling and that I almost expected to find a strange car there and didn't like this new place we were in. He finally admitted he had a girl hiding in the bedroom. He insisted they were only friends. She WAS fully clothed as he was but I felt betrayed and crushed.
As time went on I learned that he had met this girl 3 months earlier and their 'friendship' grew as they spent time together. They were calling each other and emailing and meeting for lunch. According to my husband by the time he left me, they were hugging and kissing goodbye but nothing more happened.
In hind sight I see the changes in him over those three months. I felt he was getting depressed even before he left, now I have a better idea why.
5 weeks after my husband left, his son became violent (an issue he has had) so I asked him to leave. Because the people my husband was staying with had a young child my husband couldn’t’ allow his violent son to stay there so he moved in with his girlfriend.
He was gone for nearly 3 months when he finally realized what he was doing. He asked me if he could come home. We talked at length about things and about the options. We both wanted to save our marriage so we decided he should come home as his son was still ‘with him’ and needed a home.
What we have learned since his coming home is that he seemed to have a form of break down. He says he was so angry with the stress he couldn’t’ deal with it anymore so running away was his reaction. He says he never loved his girlfriend but she was someone to keep him from being lonely. He says he regrets ever getting involved with her and wishes he had just left and gotten himself help without the complication of the girlfriend.
It has been 5 weeks since he came home and he is working hard at fixing our marriage including going to marriage counseling where he participates a great deal. But, he still doesn’t understand why I can’t just forget like he has.
I have taken a great deal of responsibility for the problems before he left. The stresses that affected him. And have been working hard to correct things I have done wrong. But I feel he is 100% responsible for his actions, leaving me with no warning and getting involved with a woman while we were together and then moving in etc. He says I pushed him into it. And, that it’s my fault he had to move in with her, because he needed a place for his son. I don’t agree at all. I feel he should take the responsibility and have complete compassion and understanding for how he hurt me.
I am still very insecure and don’t feel that trust I want to. This frustrates him a lot. He feels I should trust him because he says he won’t ever do it again. He feels I should believe him. He also doesn’t like that this has and will change a lot of things about our life.
This is the worst pain I have ever experienced. It was the worst 3 months of my life. I am so angry that I don’t feel people respect my pain that I want to retaliate, to be sure someone else hurts. I don’t like that feeling but I don’t know how to make it go away. I think about what my husband did all the time and I can’t make it stop.
How do I get over this. How do I stop being angry and learn to forgive. I feel that the security and forgiveness would come easier if he understood and took complete responsibility for his actions. My therapist says I shouldn’t make too many demands on him as it might push him away.
What can I do to alleviate the anger I feel?
My husband and I had a wonderful relationship. We remained close for our entire relationship. We always made time for us and had a trust so deep it can't be explained. Our love and respect for each other was 'obvious' to our friends.
It is the second marriage for each of us. We each have 3 children from our first marriage and no children together. We have been together 14 years and our only big issue has been the children. Blending our families has been very difficult and the stress in the house became so horrible our relationship began to suffer. I knew things were tense and we weren't as good as we had been. I wanted marriage counseling but he doesn't like therapists so he wouldn't cooperate with it. One day, completely out of the blue, he said "I need to leave and figure out what I want". He left that night, leaving his 19 year old college student son with me. I was shocked. I knew there was a lot of stress but I had no idea. I fell apart. 2 days later I tried to talk to him and got a feeling. I showed up at the house where he was staying. There I found a car that didn't belong. He let me in and I asked who the car belonged to and he made up a story. I fell apart and told him how I was feeling and that I almost expected to find a strange car there and didn't like this new place we were in. He finally admitted he had a girl hiding in the bedroom. He insisted they were only friends. She WAS fully clothed as he was but I felt betrayed and crushed.
As time went on I learned that he had met this girl 3 months earlier and their 'friendship' grew as they spent time together. They were calling each other and emailing and meeting for lunch. According to my husband by the time he left me, they were hugging and kissing goodbye but nothing more happened.
In hind sight I see the changes in him over those three months. I felt he was getting depressed even before he left, now I have a better idea why.
5 weeks after my husband left, his son became violent (an issue he has had) so I asked him to leave. Because the people my husband was staying with had a young child my husband couldn’t’ allow his violent son to stay there so he moved in with his girlfriend.
He was gone for nearly 3 months when he finally realized what he was doing. He asked me if he could come home. We talked at length about things and about the options. We both wanted to save our marriage so we decided he should come home as his son was still ‘with him’ and needed a home.
What we have learned since his coming home is that he seemed to have a form of break down. He says he was so angry with the stress he couldn’t’ deal with it anymore so running away was his reaction. He says he never loved his girlfriend but she was someone to keep him from being lonely. He says he regrets ever getting involved with her and wishes he had just left and gotten himself help without the complication of the girlfriend.
It has been 5 weeks since he came home and he is working hard at fixing our marriage including going to marriage counseling where he participates a great deal. But, he still doesn’t understand why I can’t just forget like he has.
I have taken a great deal of responsibility for the problems before he left. The stresses that affected him. And have been working hard to correct things I have done wrong. But I feel he is 100% responsible for his actions, leaving me with no warning and getting involved with a woman while we were together and then moving in etc. He says I pushed him into it. And, that it’s my fault he had to move in with her, because he needed a place for his son. I don’t agree at all. I feel he should take the responsibility and have complete compassion and understanding for how he hurt me.
I am still very insecure and don’t feel that trust I want to. This frustrates him a lot. He feels I should trust him because he says he won’t ever do it again. He feels I should believe him. He also doesn’t like that this has and will change a lot of things about our life.
This is the worst pain I have ever experienced. It was the worst 3 months of my life. I am so angry that I don’t feel people respect my pain that I want to retaliate, to be sure someone else hurts. I don’t like that feeling but I don’t know how to make it go away. I think about what my husband did all the time and I can’t make it stop.
How do I get over this. How do I stop being angry and learn to forgive. I feel that the security and forgiveness would come easier if he understood and took complete responsibility for his actions. My therapist says I shouldn’t make too many demands on him as it might push him away.
What can I do to alleviate the anger I feel?
Answer Hi Deb~
You have every right to be angry at him, b/c this has not only hurt you and cause you pain, he betrayed you by cheating and becoming involved with another woman. He can't just expect you to be so forgiving and to just get over this, it doesn't work like that. He has to be held accountable for his poor choices and bad actions. He can only be mad at himself for this, he has absolutely no right to put the blame on you whatsoever. You didn't put a gun to his head and make him go out on you and be with another woman. He has to face reality and come to terms with what a devastating affect this has had on you. Sure, it's going to take quite some time for you to cope and deal with this, and try to get over all this hurt and anger from him being with this other woman. It's a process and it takes time to start healing. However, you will truly not able to fully heal until and unless you're ready to forgive him for all that's happened.
At the same time I'm sure he's feeling pretty guilty that he's done this, or he wouldn't be trying so hard to work on things, the marriage, the damage to the relationship and friendship this has caused you as a couple. And men, they would sooner just try to forget all that happened and think that it makes it all better and that it'll some how go away, when again, it just doesn't. It's something that has to be discussed as a couple, in therapy and worked on together as a couple. He has to try to explain to you why he did this in the first place, then you have to tell him exactly what this has done to your respect, love and trust for him, not to mention your self-worth, self-esteem and your spirit (how this has really just shaken you to the core and changed everything that you once built together). Now, it's as if you have to go through the whole process once more and begin building that trust, getting to know each other again, etc (b/c it just changes who you are, when a spouse cheats on you, and how you react to them, etc).
It's a tough thing to go through, but by him getting defensive and not wanting to talk about it, it's not going to solve anything, if anything it's only going to cause more problems for the marriage and you as a couple, if he refuses to give you what you need (don't ask him for details, if he slept with her, etc, by asking that you're opening a whole other can of worms, and besides great detail you don't need of what went on, it'll just hurt you even more). Rather you want the reason as to why he felt he had to do this (most of the time it's something that's lacking in the marriage, a connection, physical, emotional, attention, attraction, etc) and any other questions you feel you need to know about within reason, of course.
In order to get over this you're going to have to learn to slowly forgive him unless and until you're able and ready to do that, then you'll never have full and complete closure to what happened and why he did this. You both have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work (and I mean whatever it takes), including venting, talking, therapy, etc. Communication is key in any marriage, if you don't have that, then you honestly don't have much of a marriage. After all you must know how your partner is feeling and thinking, so that any issues and problems that do arise you're able to try and work them out.
I would strongly suggest that you even go to individual counseling by yourself so that you can get this situation out of your system (just talking to someone can be a tremendous help and therapeutic too) and venting to them, even getting advice when needed will do you such wonders and help alleviate your stress from his being unfaithful. Keep doing this along with marriage counseling and you should be able to eventually notice a difference in how things improve between both of you. Something that also might help you too, is to go to boxing class, kick boxing, anything like that so that you can take your anger and frustrations out on something physical, not required, but it certainly might help you though.
It's not about making demands here to your husband. It's about telling him what you need, want and expect from him as a husband and partner. If he can't be understanding and respect that, then that's on him. He's the one who made this mess to begin with, not you. He made the poor choices and he now has to be a man and be held accountable for his bad actions. I hope somehow this helps you some.
