AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 6/3/2008 Subject: Husband wants forgiveness
Question Hi Suzie- You answered my questions last week regarding my husband who cheated for 3 months and when I found out he told she was the perfect girl. Once I moved out, he took everything back and said he wants to work things out. I know you answered why he reacted the way he did and why he said this girl was perfect. We are going to see a marriage counselor tomorrow. My question is, could this really work? Could our marriage survive and infidelity after being together for 9 years? Where do we start? Should I not live with him while we try to figure this out??
Answer Dear Eva,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve. Let me begin by complimenting you on you choice to seek counseling tomorrow. I belive it will the start of your real healing process.
To answer your questions:
Could this really work?
Yes it can. Marriages DO survive infidelity. Couples DO rebuild after betrayal, hurt and disappointment - and many ( to there own shock and awe) rebuild even stronger.
What does it take to rebuild?
Three basic ingredients really:
1. The wayward partner has to be absolutely willing to stand in the storm, deal with his "inner conflicts" and do what it takes to regain trust & rebuild the marriage
2. The betrayed partner has to absolutely willing to forgive ( even if they don't know how to) and go through the symptoms of healing the hurt and letting go of the past.
3. Both partners need a new roadmap to marriage.
The first two - are personal choices and it seems to me that fact that he's willing to go to counseling and you are seeking the help that you are, you both have the "willingness". Thats two out of three. The third however - is what makes the difference.
Here's what I mean:
If you forgive each other and go through the symptoms of healing and rebuild your relationship following the same map/ideas/beliefs/rules/routines that you followed before - then chances are you will end up in the same place again. It's obvious that they way were "doing marriage" doesn't work. You need a new approach, a new attitude, new rules, new beliefs that will work for both of you , so that nobody has to reach outside of the relationship to get what they want.
This my dear eva, is what makes the reconciliation efforts so difficult. People want to rebuild, but what they want to rebuild is the same thing they had before ( while hoping this time it will turn out differently)
Save yourself the headache. If you are following a map to Detroit, but you want to go to Kansas, no matter how many times you backtrack or do it over, it wont take you to where you want to go...
In your session tomorrow...
Talk to your counselor about creating a new map for relationship happiness. One that is designed for you - by you. My process is called "passionate monogamy" - but its only ONE possibility - there are many out there, you counselor can help you.
but there's one more "secret"
If you want to rebuild your marriage to even greater happiness, you have to believe you can have something different, without having to find a different partner" That belief is enough to change everything!
Next:Where do we start?
Good question. You start at the "core". Always deal with the core conflicts ( never the surface) what do i mean by core? well here's the reality: infidelity is always the symptom of a problem - not the cause of the problem.
That's why it calls for correction, not punishment, blame or shame.
Typically, the core, means its' an "innder conflict" and your partner will need to work finding what exactly this is. This is HIS process not yours. You have to allow him the space and support he needs to deal with this. In many cases its totally unconscious and might take a while to come to the surface
Then second step is being "open to learning" Chacnes are you have contributed ( unconsciously perhaps) this "core" conflict. This is NOT your fault. You cannot be held responsible for things you don't know about. But once it does come to light you must be willing to learn how to deal with it. How to recognize it, prevent it, detect it and overcome it, should it ever arise again.
It's by finding the "root" of the problem and uprooting it - that you will both feel safe with each other again.
Next;Should I not live with him while we try to figure this out??
Every couple is different and every situation is different. For example: some betrayed partners feel like they have more leverage being out of the house. They sense they get more motivation and results this way. Others, feel that by being IN the home, they heal faster, since they are around each other and get more appreciation and attention that way.
I don't know which is right for you. They both have benefits. This is another good one to talk to your counselor about this tomorrow.
Until we speak again Eva, Good luck tomorrow, I am sure you both will do fine.
