AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 6/5/2008 Subject: cheating
Question Dear Suzie, I am 28 years old and have been with my husband since I was 13. We have been married for 7 years and have 2 kids.9 and 7. I was a premiscuous teen. I am not sure why? But had never cheated on him only slept around when we were broken up. I had not slept with anyone else since I was 17. I met a man who showed intrest in me in Jan of 2007. We work for the same large company. He allways made sure to be were I was. Then one day I found him and gave him my number. It was an overwhelming feeling like I couldnt stop myself. The next day he called. We started out just getting to know one another. I couldnt wait to see him or talk to him. I really enjoyed his company, meanwhile I never thought about what it was doing to my marriage. I started to fall in love with this man, knowing it was wrong. He is in a very simillar situation to mine. Been with his wife since they were very young and married 14 years now. He is a bit older than me 33. We both tried to stop but neither one of us could stand to be apart. In April of 2007 this became sexual. It felt so natural and comfortable to be with him. Just to be around him made me tingle. I have never had this feeling before not even with my husband. The next day I called him crying saying I couldnt do this. Mostly because I was afraid to get caught. But we continued. Then he would try to end it saYING HE DID NOT WANT TO HURT HIS WIFE. And I trully believe he did not want to hurt her. The day he told me he was in love with me I was exstatic, because I loved him too more than I had ever loved or think I do. Then we would go through our cycles of no cant do this. But it would never last cause we missed eachother soo much. I had more fun with him in the past 11 months than I have ever. 6 weeks ago things went bad. His wife found out. He called me at 6 in the morning and said she knows. Before he could tell me anything my phone beeped and it was her. She said she was his wife and asked who i was. I told her i was willing to meet and talk to her in person. I was very confident this was the right thing to do and that this was quite possibly going to be a new begiining for me. I went to her and his house and met and talked with her. I lied to her to spare her feelings and told her we had not slept together, that we were just great friends and that I had fallen in love with him. He showed up about an hour later. She confronted us both she told him to stop seeing me he said no that he cared about me. And so on and so forth. I stayed for a while after he left to make sure she was ok. He told me everything about her nd thier life so I felt like I knew her. I told her that when he got off work I wanted to speak with him and she said ok. So after work he and I spoke, we both agreede we neede to give us a real try to see if what we felt was real and needed to see if we would still work while dealling with day to day life together. When we parted i was very confident he and i were going to really do this. I went home to my husband and family he my husband knew something was wrong. (this whole time he never knew anything) I was not ready to tell him. The next morning I spoke to the other man. He and his wife had spent the night talking. She didnt understand how we were in love if we had never slept together and thought if he was to just sleep with me he would get over me.( we had been having sex daily for almost a year) he tells me all this and that he thinks things are moving to fast. He needs to figure things out. I was so confused, but told him whatever it took I would be here. He tells me thank you for giving him time to figure himself out. that was 6 weeks ago. His wife has texted me tellin me thank you for not interfering and giving them a chance to work out thier marriage. I have asked her how he is and she says he is happy. I just dont get it and I dont think he is. I am sure he has to be thinking of me too. He has not called or texted or even e mailed me since that day. She tells me they are happy. I just want to talk to him. To see if he is really happy. I know if we talk or see eachother things will rekindle and I think I want that. I drive by his station and see him from time to time my heart goes to my tummy. Last week he waved sadly at me but still no calls. I have sent him e mails and i know he has received them. Telling him how much I love him and take his time that I know we will be together some day. But still no answer. I try to put himout of my head and try to be happy with my husband. My husband is a good man and dad and provider. I trully thhink if I would have never met this other man I would have never second guessed my marriage. But now I do. This is affecting every aspect of my life. Work home friends family and my marriage. I just have been going through the mostions of life. Everyday I think of him. I even dream of him. I have begged god to take him out of my head so that I can get my feelings back for my husband. But it just has not happened. And I dont know if it will. Please help! If the other man said he was ready to be with me I think I would. But if not I plan to just stay in my marriage and make it work. I dont plan to ever tell him. I know he would leave me. This sounds terrible I know. And if I knew what I know now I would have just assumed to never have gone through this and I would have never fallen out of love. Or have I? Please help I am dying inside. I am consumed by this.
Answer Dear Sandy,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve. After reading your email, I felt so much compassion for where you are right now. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s not a fun place to be. But I also must compliment you. Rather than just sitting passively and hurting, you are actively seeking help, and now you being helped, because for every broken heart- there’s an angel, assigned to healing it
Let’s answer your questions one at a time:
You wrote: “This is affecting every aspect of my life. Work home friend’s family and my marriage. I just have been going through the motions of life
My comments:
Winston Churchill, once said, when you are going through hell, keep going. Going through the motions, faking it until you make it, smiling on the outside- when your heart is breaking on the inside, are all signs of a survivor. In other words, you are doing exactly what you need to do.
It’s like pushing a mega ton dump truck up a steep hill, you must keep pushing even though the weight is against you, because the alternative is unthinkable.
About what you are experiencing:
It’s the equivalent of an “internal civil” war. (like the war between the north and the south) except in your case the is war between your head and your heart. The “head” (logical, left brain & practical) knows your affections should be directed towards your husband. It knows the feelings you feel are inappropriate, selfish, and unfair to the man at home. It knows all this.
But the heart “knows” none of this. The heart is a magical place and it loves like a child, without rules, judgment, or regards to consequences. The heart wants what it wants. It doesn’t “think” it “feels” and it never questions what it feels.
Now, you can see how this can tear a person a part.
On the one hand, you want to be a good wife. And that would mean loving your husband with the same intensity as you love this other man. But on the other hand, you want to feel good, and be with the one that makes you feel this good.
Which is right? Your heart or the head?
Before you decide, let’s take a deeper look:
You wrote: "Every day I think of him. I even dream of him. I have begged god to take him out of my head so that I can get my feelings back for my husband. But it just has not happened. And I don’t know if it will”
These words bring up a red flag. Here’s why. There is a difference between romantic love and true love. The emotion of True love are like the sun, they shines eternally, and the “feelings” of romantic love are more like a fire, intense, fickle and dies out just as quickly.
Romantic love Vs. True love
Romantic love is what keeps the record industry, the romance novel industry, the movie industry and the greeting card industries in business. It’s an intense state of attraction and affection that it so consuming we all love to love it .
About this emotional high, we call romantic love.
Romantic love is like a hunger that obeys no appetites but its own. The feeling is intense. Like a fire it is consuming, exciting. And electrifying. Being with the object of your desires thrills you like nothing else can. When you are apart from the one you desire, it feels cold, dark and * like a night without
L
ook at these quotes:
“ I can’t live without him/I cant stop thinking about him/ he’s taken over my thoughts, feelings & emotions/ I cant stop thinking about him/ I feel like I am nothing without him/ As long as I have him, I know I can handle anything/ he’s the first thing I think about in the morning/the last thing I think about at night/I’ve lost my family friends and job because of him,, but I don’t care/I would do whatever it takes to have him/ It like I am living in hell without him
Sounds like love doesn’t it?
But actually - These are quotes from drug addicts going through rehab. What I have done is change the “it” to “him”.
Didn’t you notice echoes of your own thoughts, feelings and emotions in these quotes?
This indicates that you are caught up in the emotional High of romantic love. Believe me, I have been there, and I would agree with you, no other feeling in the world even compares. You walk around, dazed, and filled with longing and fantasies “ what if…” Marriage counselors have nicknames the emotional fog…
What the emotional fog?
It’s the “emotional high” brought on by romantic love. It looks a lot like a grown up version of a teenager’s crush. It’s infatuation on steroids, and it acts on your nervous system, just like drug.
When you are in the emotional fog
Your head is in the clouds. This means that your emotions are clouding your judgment, suppressing your logical mind, and shrouding you in a trance. In other words – you are not thinking clearly.
When you are in the “emotional fog” you lose control of your “rational mind”. You are so certain the feelings you have will last, that no one ( especially strangers like me) can tell you otherwise…
And here’s some more bad news:
- You can’t tell what “right vs what’s wise
- You can’t tell the difference between “highest” good/ Immediate feel-good
- You are more likely to sacrifice long-term happiness for short-term pleasure
- You don’t know what you don’t know
- You are not likely to make your best decisions
The good news:
The emotional fog doesn’t last. ( it’s why its referred to as a fog) eventually it passes. But the first step to overcoming it is to first see it for what it is.
So back to the question: When is it more than a feeling? When is it true love?
That’s a great question for you to ponder.
Here are some insights to help:
•True Love doesn’t hurt, or harm anyone
•True love is MORE than a feeling. True love is a decision, you decide for it or against it
•True love isn’t possessive, controlling, and it has nothing to prove
•True love is known by its qualities: forgiveness, acceptance & kindness
•True love lasts. It endures. It survives betrayal, mistrust, rejection and it embraces pain and burns it as fuel
•True love is a constant state. It never changes. It doesn’t fluctuate. If it’s true love, then its real NOW as it ever was, or ever will be.
•True love is attracted to love - when you truly love another, it’s the LOVE in them that you love, (not the body, actions, thoughts or behavior of that person)
•You know its true love when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.
And …
True love's created not in your mind or a body- but within a relationship.
Read that again: true love is an “experience” created not in your mind, or body – but in a relationship…That’s why marriage is provides of the most powerful opportunity to find true love.
It’s like the story of the three little pigs…
A relationship built on straws (infatuation) is easily blown over
A relationship built with sticks (romantic love) may be a little bit stronger but it too falls under the winds of adversity.
But a relationship built on bricks (true love) endures. Survives. Lasts forever.
Remember: Romantic love can lead you to finding true love. However, because an extra martial affair is built via deception, secrets and dishonesty - chances that it will lead you to true love are slim.
Your marriage on the other hand, which began with the best of your intentions. Still provides you the best chance of enduring love. You would not be the first woman to discover – she has to decide to love her husband, and above all others.
Sandy, nothing could have prepared you for this.
You have discovered how feelings can betray you. And that certain emotions don’t “obey no rules” – and yet in the middle of all this chaos, you must find some guiding principle to hold on to…
It helps to remember – true love is a decision. ( not a feeling that overwhelms you) True love comes out of relationship built on trust, honesty, respect and acceptance. When both people have opened their hearts, minds and souls to each other what they discover reflected in there …is true love.
Another thing about true love:
Rather than tearing you apart. (Diving the head and heart). When you decide to truly love – it unites your head and heart. It empowers you. It gives you purpose and self-respect.
IF, you ever loved your husband… You can know that feeling again. You can reawaken the passion, romance, playfulness, and sincerity of heart within your marriage - But you can’t do that IF you are being distracted by this other emotional entanglement. Does that make sense?
Which brings me to the next thing:
you wrote:”If the other man said he was ready to be with me I think I would. But if not I plan to just stay in my marriage and make it work. I don’t plan to ever tell him. I know he would leave me”
My comments: You are obviously living in limbo.
By giving away your decision-making power, you’ve put your life on hold. Waiting for him to decide FOR you. This is not a state of “love” – this is a state of loneliness. You happiness is NOT in his hands. It’s in yours. Where it always will be.
Sandy, I believe the time has come for you to come out of denial – and- indecision.
As long as you are “sitting on the fence” between two loves, you will remain torn apart, a heart divided. And even though your husband may not know facts – some part of him senses your feelings. And, if you don’t make a decision soon, it won’t be long before a crisis forces you to make one.
Don’t wait for this to happen.
Decide for yourself to be happy NOW. Not someday in the future.
So, rather than sit in limbo, wait in vain, hang on to hope, why not just “let go”? Even if you can’t let go of the “feelings” right now –you CAN let go of the man. Especially seeing as how he was never yours in the first place…
Which brings us to the next point:
You wrote: I have sent him e mails and i know he has received them. Telling him how much I love him and take his time that I know we will be together some day. But still no answer
Let me tell you a very sad story:
I have been at this work for about a decade now. I have served betrayed partners, wayward partners and “the other person”.
Here’s some things I have observed: In many cases the wayward partner get hurt much than anyone else in this unfortunate triangle. They get their hearts broken in three different ways…
First by the other person. Then by the person who they betrayed, and then via the disappointment, shame and guilt they feel towards themselves. For them, it’s never a soft landing.
In your case… it’s a double whammy: You are play the part of the wayward & “the other woman” – So not only does this “affair” hurt you. It hurts your husband. It hurts the other man. And it hurts the man’s wife.
Remember True love Rule # 1?
True Love doesn’t hurt, or harm anyone. While romantic love on the other hand is blinded by emotions and charges ahead like a bull in a china shop – anyone in its path is subject to get hurt.
And here’s the kicker…
You’ve said you will never tell your husband. This is your choice. However since you are still emailing/driving by and trying to talk to the other man – while he’s trying to “do the right thing” and rebuild his marriage, then I think I ought to warn you:
Beware! IF his wife intercepts these emails, or IF he tells her about your continued obsession with him, chances are SHE will call your husband.
It’s the one-two punch most wayward partners never see that one coming.
But I can tell you, that’s exactly how most betrayed partners discover the affair, via the OTHER betrayed. And it’s never a pretty sight. I have heard of betrayed’s wife’s going to the other woman’s jobs, calling her boss, calling/confronting the other woman’s husband, ( even going to his job) going to her church, showing up at their homes, doing whatever she can to expose the affair – in hopes of ending the obsession
And if you think about it from her perspective:
She is fighting to save her marriage. ( who could blame her… If you were in her shoes you wouldnt you put up a fight too?) She will not fight fair (have you been fair to her?)
Obviously they are working on their marriage. ( or else he would be returning your calls) obviously he’s trying to do his best. But if you continue to pursue him, and that creates stress and tension in him and that tips her off… you might not like results.
When someone is trying to do the right thing- the right thing for you to do is to allow them to do it.
As a matter of fact – HIS willingness to do try and be a good husband is to be commended ( not criticized) And IF by chance they are going to marriage counseling – then chances are they have made a DNC agreement ( do not contact)
This is a standard procedure that marriage counselors use to help a couple rebuilt trust
A DNC means exactly what is says : DO NOT CONTACT.
This means should he even “read” your emails/talk to you/or have any contact with you, he would be violating that agreement with his wife.
I don’t know what their DNC agreement looks like, but I can tell you, that IF they were one of my clients – One of the consequences for breaking a DNC, might involve a phone call to your husband, among other things.
Why is a DNC important?
Because, we are dealing with “feelings”. And feelings are a lot like the weather: you cant control them, but with time they DO pass.
The DNC is there to allow time to pass.
To help get his foot back on the ground, so that he can make rational decisions rather than emotional ones.
DNC’s are scary to those who don’t want the feelings to end. But they are a marriage savior. At first they are hard to swallow like some bitter medicine, but once taken as directed, they do heal trust, and can help rebuild a marriage.
The same goes for you. Rather than trying to interrupt his rebuilding process, why not launch on of your own? No one will benefit more from rebuilding your marriage than you.
Maybe you are wondering –IF he loves you, why is he trying to rebuild with her?
It’s not a matter of whether or not he loves you. There’s a high possibility he does love you. (what’s not to love?)
But, the heart has many mansions; you can love many people over a lifetime. However, that true love that endures is created out a relationship – not a person.
Chances are he is rebuilding his marriage for selfish reasons, because in his heart he knows she is HIS best chance of true love.
Think about it.
His wife knows about you, and she had not abandoned him. She is forgiving him. She is sticking it out. Doesn’t that reek of true love?
What can you do now?
You have to make a decision. You have to decide…
Do you let go of the bird in hand – to chase the one in the bush? Will you love your husband or live in limbo? Both choices are yours to make. Just remember the odds are against you and the bird in the bush.
Next:
You wrote: And if I knew what I know now I would have just assumed to never have gone through this and I would have never fallen out of love. Or have I? Please help I am dying inside. I am consumed by this.
I’m inclined to disagree you have “fallen out of love” with your husband.
Love is something you “fall out of”- the fall into love is endless.
But you can be distracted along the way. (its human)
Sandy, I believe it’s time to let you in on a little secret: I have been exactly where you are. I have lived this reality. I know the hurt, the pain, the grief, the loss, the yearning, the wanting, the wishing, the hoping, the crying, the desperation.
Like you, I know there is no greater frustration, than loving someone you can’t have and having someone don’t love.
So, I am speaking to you from my heart (didn’t the LONG answer tip you off?) and at the same time, I am speaking to you from a place of having overcome it.
From where you stand, these feelings look impossible to overcome… like you are standing at the bottom of Mt. Everest, and you can’t see any way around it or over it.
Have faith. I can tell you that, today I stand at the top of that same mountain, where as just a few years ago, I would have not believed I could be here… and yet here I am.
So, now you might be wondering… HOW is it done? How do you overcome this?
A very good question.
Here are the first 3 steps to begin that journey:
Step one: gracefully exit.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Your first step, is to make a simple, yet powerful decision. Decide to exit that relationship gracefully. Decide you will not cling, stalk, email, beg, or bargain your way out. But rather, you will simply get up and close that door.
On making graceful exits:
-Extra marital relationships are like glass. It's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself ( and others) putting them back together
-To gracefully “exit” an extra-marital affair is no disgrace. It takes great strength to walk away, with dignity – not feeling like a loser, but rather like a survivor.
-A graceful exit is made from a place of power ( not powerlessness) it’s the decision to withdraw your emotional energy from outside of your marriage, and reinvest within your marriage.
-To gracefully exit – you must close ALL doors. Burn all ships. End all contact. And leave all memories in the past ( where they belong)
Step two: Practice letting go
Letting go is a process. It’s not an event. There are always going to be things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept, and things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
This takes practice.
You must rehearse letting go, over and over until suddenly its not there. You have must practice, day by day, minute by minute the letting go of the dreams, thoughts, fantasies, wishing and yearning for the other man.
Tips:
Don’t indulge ANY fantasy. (they are like termites let one in and before you know it hundreds follow)
Visualize a STOP sign. Whenever you think about him/or the times you had together. Interrupt daydreams/ pining/ reminiscing etc.
Wish him the best. Wish him to move on. Wish him peace. Wish him well. But DONT wish for him
Write the “ultimate” goodbye/I will always love you letter. Don’t send it to him. Instead, throw it into the sea, or burn it. But set it free.
STEP THREE: Transfer ALL your energy, attention and affection to your husband!
At first it will be an effort. But do it, because, you are going to learn something fascination about the nature of love.
It endures faithfully, like a child’s favorite toy, it might be temporary put aside, while the child is distracted by the shiny allure of a new toy, but love is patient. And when the child comes back, they experience the thrill of rediscovering the love which was always there.
You wouldn’t be the first wayward wife, who turns her attention back home, only to discover the love she was looking for was right there waiting all time.
To do
Ask yourself “what if”
-What if this were the man that makes me feel tingles, thrills, excitement – what would I want to do with him right now? ( be honest, and then do it)
-What if this is my true love, how would I want to treat him?
-What if I could have everything I want right here… what would that mean to me?
Ask yourself “how”
How would I respond to my husband if this were our first date together?
How could I show true love right now?
How could we awaken more love, passion and romance with each other?
Ask yourself “what”
What have I taken for granted about this man?
What would another woman find fascinating about him?
What would wear to bed tonight if it were the first time together?
Ask yourself “what else?
what else do I still have to learn about marriage?
what else do I have still have to learn about true love?
want else do I have still have to learn about this man?
What else do I want to teach him about me?
What else can we try that we haven’t tried before?
What else can we discover about each other?
Well, Sandy, I think I have covered just about all I can via email. If you would like more information, then you might want to read this article I wrote about graceful exits: http://www.goasksuzie.com/3b_end_the_affair.html
