AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 6/4/2008 Subject: i need to get past this somehow...
Question Hi, my fiance and I started seeing each other 2 and a half years ago, we have a split family, he has a son who lives with us, i had 3 from my previous marriage and we have 1 together. We started seeing each other in feb 2006, we had both ended our previous relationships in January, so we were't really "official" we hit things off so good, we were like 2 peas in a pod. we moved in together in april, and 2 weeks later his ex tells me they have been sleeping together, i thought she was just angry and bitter, but my gut told me other wise, so i asked him, he said he had slept with her 2 times in the first few weeks we had been seeing each other. Aside from this I knew we had something so special, well i felt we did, and i was so hurt that he could do this, but i chose to stay with him. even now i am haunted by the images of him with her, i am confused as to why this would happen, i am turning into a jealous person, do you think it is true that once a cheater always a cheater, aside from this we have an almost perfect relationship, we communicate well, we never yell and scream we talk through our disagreements, we are very much in love and i know he is an amazing man, father and partner, i love everything about him, but i can't seem to let go of this, please help me get past this, i don't want this to haunt me forever, and we are so happy aside from this, please help me.
Answer Dear mom of 5,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve. Before I answer your specific question, I would like to make some comments on some of the things you shared in your email, ok?
You wrote: “he said he had slept with her 2 times in the first few weeks we had been seeing each other"
My comments: It appears you got caught in the “transition sex” – of a dying relationship. This sometimes happens when people begin a new relationship right on the heels of exiting another. According your timeline, it seems he only had a few weeks between “official end of one relationship and the official start of another.
As you know, the transition period between relationships can be confusing, conflicted, guilty, sad, and even fearful.
Regardless of IF you are the one breaking up the relationship or being broken up with. Breaking up is hard to do.
It’s not unusual for people to engage in transition/or exit sex.
For many reasons:
•Sometimes it’s last ditch attempt by one partner to try use sex to save the relationship ( of course this never works)
•Other times is guilty sex- one partners feel bad about ending the relationship, tries to say I am sorry with sex
•Sometimes it’s merely habitual. They are use to each other. They do it for old times’ sake
Regardless of WHY it happened –the “timing” of when it happens - puts it in the “grey” areas, of the relationship cycle. Even though a relationship might be over, it takes weeks, months and years for the “emotional doors to fully close”
In his case, before one door had fully closed – another one had opened fast!
As you described it- the chemistry and emotional connection you guys shared probably came so fast at him, he didn’t really know what to do with it.
Think about it:
You’ve broken up a relationship before; you know how much goes into it. You know it’s not that easy to simply walk away from someone you used to love, it takes time for all the ties to completely be cut.
And yes, while we are in the “in between state” sometimes people consent to do things they wouldn’t normally do.
This is NOT an excuse for the deception. For that he is utterly responsible, however in your case there were certain extenuating circumstances – that cannot be over looked. In other words this is not a black/white case.
Next:
You wrote: even now i am haunted by the images of him with her, i am confused as to why this would happen, i am turning into a jealous person,
My comments: It’s never a good idea to let your own imagination scare you. Those images, thoughts and movies of “them” playing over and over in your head, have all been put there by you, to scare you. So the question is – why would anyone use their own imagination to hurt themselves?
As you think about that...
Here’s a Zen story, that will help shed some light:
The Ghost
The wife of a man became very sick. On her deathbed, she said to him, "I love you so much! I don't want to leave you, and I don't want you to betray me. Promise that you will not see any other women once I die, or I will come back to haunt you."
For several months after her death, the husband did avoid other women, but then he met someone and fell in love. On the night that they were engaged to be married, the ghost of his former wife appeared to him. She blamed him for not keeping the promise, and every night thereafter she returned to taunt him.
The ghost would remind him of everything that transpired between him and his fiancee that day, even to the point of repeating, word for word, their conversations. It upset him so badly that he couldn't sleep at all. Desperate, he sought the advice of a Zen master who lived near the village.
"This is a very clever ghost," the master said upon hearing the man's story. "It is!" replied the man. "She remembers every detail of what I say and do. It knows everything!" The master smiled, "You should admire such a ghost, but I will tell you what to do the next time you see it."
That night the ghost returned. The man responded just as the master had advised. "You are such a wise ghost," the man said, "You know that I can hide nothing from you. If you can answer me one question, I will break off the engagement and remain single for the rest of my life." "Ask your question," the ghost replied. The man scooped up a handful of beans from a large bag on the floor, "Tell me exactly how many beans there are in my hand."
At that moment the ghost disappeared and never returned.
Get the point? That’s right. He was allowing his own imagination to scare him. The same applies to you. If you allow the ghosts of the past to haunt you in the present they will sabotage THIS relationship.
A note about jealousy:
What is jealousy? It’s comparison. When you compare yourself ( in looks, money, education, stature, sexuality, skills, etc, )you will end up feeling inadequate. Why? Because mother nature NEVER makes duplicates , only “originals” so there’s really is no way to compare yourself to another human being.
You are incomparable. YOUnigue. One-of-a-kind. ( just like everyone else)
Jealousy is an “ego” game.
Don’t let it fool you. You have no justification to be jealous. Don’t use his past mistake stakes as an excuse for YOUR present behavior. Rather than defend/explain/ or excuse those feelings of jealousy - Just Let them go.
Make that decision right now.
Decide you are NOT a jealous person. And you never will be. Resolve NOT to let any other person’s behavior decide WHO you are. YOU decide who you are. And if you decide you are not a jealous person, then nothing can make you become one.
And here’s another thing:
If you keep role playing “jealous wife tendencies”- after awhile it becomes unappealing. Why? Because it’s really a sign of insecurity and low self esteem.
Why is insecurity and low self esteem dangerous in a relationship? Because it lowers your appeal. In the beginning jealousy looks a lot like “love” – but after awhile, its true colors are revealed and it is seen as “smothering” “possessive” and controlling.
It’s these three tendencies; men say causes them to end relationships. Don’t let jealously sour your relationship. It’s just not worth it.
Remember:
He has made his choice. YOU. You on the other hand are still seconding guessing. Granted he made some mistakes early on, but to continue to obsess on them is an even bigger mistake.
You asked: do you think it is true that once a cheater always a cheater?
Of course it’s not true!
This is an old wives’ tale told by hurt women to other hurt other women. There are others urban legends like these floating around the world.
Fact is people DO change. Babies go from crawling to walking. From adolescents to mature adults. Things that you might have done in your teens and twenties you would not consider doing today!
The last thing you want to assume is that a person can’t change or that they can’t grow.
EVERYTHING grows or else it dies. Nature is evolution. Change. Growth. Nothing remains the same. You will not be the same person you are today, in ten years (literally, because every two years every cell in your body dies and regenerate)
So, no… Once a cheater NOT always a cheater. And yet everybody makes mistakes.
It’s important for you and your relationship – that you not “label” him “ a cheater” It’s just not nice! – if you want to call him something that’s accurate – call him a “mistake-maker”
And now the next question I have is: can you love, accept & forgive that “ mistake-maker?”
Think about that.
Onward:
You wrote: “I love everything about him, but i can't seem to let go of this, please help me get past this, i don't want this to haunt me forever, and we are so happy aside from this,”
This is the best question you could ask.
Why? Because part of getting past any hurt IS the desire to get past it. And the fact that you are seeking help- then help is here:
Here’s the secret formula to healing any hurt:
It’s called “true forgiveness”
The bottom-line? You have never truly forgiven him ( or her) the indiscretions early on in the relationship. That unforgivness festers, persists, and lurks in the background like dark cloud over the sunshine of your happiness.
Forgiveness will free you. Emotionally. Mentally & spiritually.
It will free him, and it will free this relationship to soar. I think you already knew this – most people know they have to forgive in order to be free from the past. What you might not know is HOW to forgive.
If this is the case for you – then after you are done reading this email –then you might want to read this article I wrote on how to forgive a cheating spouse, it will make a big difference for you:
Another to notice – is how this is sabotaging your relationship:
Here’s what I mean: Some times when people get “happy” there is a tendency to sabotage that happiness – ( out of fear of the other shoe falling, or something “bad” happening.)
So, I wonder if you aren’t unconsciously allowing the past to “ruin” a good thing? Maybe you ARE happy with this man, and you somehow think it’s too good to be true, and therefore you are making a mountain out of a mole hill?
Could it be that you are simply afraid to trust? You don’t want to risk a heartbreak?
IF this is the case, here’s some ideas about that
Love IS risking. If you are holding back – you are not loving.
Love is total: you win all or you lose all. But you have to put it all on the line
Trust is a gift that cannot be bought, sold, earned or forced. HE cannot “earn” your trust. Just like he cannot EARN your love. Trust is yours to gift. You decide to trust. It’s your decision.
Mom of 5, I have an intuition about you:
You are obviously a strong woman (raising five kids – I bet you could teach me a thing or two about parenting !) You have strong intense emotions. You want to create that perfect-loving home environment and with that strong loving partner by your side.
It seems to me you have pretty much done that.
You are doing better than 90% of women on the planet. So now the question becomes… do you want 100% ?
If you do then you have to give up that last roadblock. You have to give up the obsessing about the past and become fully present in the NOW?
Are you willing to let it go?
This comes back to you. You decide. You choose. You can love all of him. Or decide to hold back. If you are stuck obsessing about the past, or worrying about the future – you are Not in the present. And love IS always given in the present.
Until we speak again, I have faith these insights have been helpful to you.
Take care and be gentle with yourself.
SuzieJ
