AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any question about Adultery. I have experience in dealing with what to expect, how it makes you feel when you find out, etc. My first marriage ended after my "ex" cheated on me. I know how it feels to be cheated on and what you experience while going through adultery. I will answer any of your questions on Adultery to the best of my ability. I have extensive knowledge on this subject. How it not only effect you but your whole family (including the children). I can give you answers on how to deal with it, some of the signs a mate may be cheating, etc. All questions about adultery are welcome.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 7/2/2008 Subject: Adultery
Question QUESTION: Several years ago,my husband cheated on me.We got over that but now I am concerned it could be happening again. he has begun to car pool a co-worker. Tehy are together for the 45 Mins drive to and from work. Recently I saw an e-mail message sent to her saying "See you tomorrow Gorgeous " Gorgeous, was a word he use to say to me .When I asked him about this wording , he just said it did not mean anything. That night while we were making love,he say " How do you feel Gorgeous? I stopped and I think he knew just what that word could mean. Since this time he has said, nothing is goin on, he is just helping a friend , I should Trust him. He will not stop carpooling because he says, nothing is going on. I am trying to deal with this but I am having a very difficult time. Please help. Thank you.
ANSWER: Hi Renee~
What does your gut instincts tell you? Does it tell you that he could be cheating with her? Always, always listen to your gut instincts. They are there for a reason, to tell you when something's not quite right. You probably have very good reason to be suspicious of his behavior. Since you mentioned that he calls this other co-worker gorgeous and that used to be what he called you. You have every right to think that something is amiss here. After all that word had some significant meaning to you both. And now he's referring to this other woman as this. That's definitely not normal at all.
He's also disregarding your feelings and concerns about his continuing to carpool. That's unacceptable for him to do that. And I know that you probably don't want to hear this either, but it's highly possible that he could be tempted to cheat again (giving his past cheating) or already cheating with this co-worker (hypothetically speaking, of course, based on his actions and the way he's reacting to you). You should prepare yourself for this very real possibility.
You should sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. You definitely shouldn't trust him at this point in time. It was inappropriate for him to send her a message that said "see you tomorrow, gorgeous." That would make anyone in your situation irate and very angry. Not only is it unacceptable it's very rude and disrespectful for him to say this to another woman, especially when he's married. All of these feelings you're experiencing are totally normal and to be expected. Now you just have to decide what you're going to do about all of this. Something has to be done or it's only going to get worse as time goes on.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I am struggling with weather or not to continue with my marriage? My husband has told me recently that his car pool partner is going to be married, is leaving the job and will be moving away. This information did not come voluntary, it came about because I asked about her. He has this information for quite sometime but never said a word and would not have if I had not mentioned it.
Knowing that this relationship caused me pain, depression,drinking on the side and when I was alone. Became a stalker, following him at times and being very unhappy ( he knew all of this because I told him ) He never told me about the changes until I asked. This could all be true but I now feel less love for him if I still love him at all ( I am questing this ) He had this information, he could have ceased my pain and suffering but he said nothing. When I asked him why? He said that whenever he mentioned her mane I became upset. I think he is up set that she is gone and this is why he did not tell me. Help. I don't know what to beleive.
Answer Hi Renee~
If he's cheated on you in the past, and he's withheld information (didn't volunteer it unless you asked, which doesn't count) from you, and for all you know he very well could've had something going with her even. And now he's pouting b/c she's leaving/left and moved away. So he's feeling bad and sorry for himself, it's all about him, and what a poor little pitiful man he now is w/o this co-worker. That would make me think that something was going on with her and he kept it from you.
Anyway, he obviously has some sort of issues with this and he's not treating you very nicely right now. He's not communicating how he's feeling with you, and why he feels this way, etc. Communication is a must in any happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage. Beside you also said you don't feel like you're really in love with him anymore, if you feel that way, then trust your feelings and instincts.
Why would you want to continue to be in this marriage, with the shape it's in right now. It's falling apart around you, while you wait and hope for him to change, and chances are he's not ever going to change and put forth that effort to make the marriage better.
Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. If that means you have to separate from him and ultimately go through a divorce, then so be it. Sometimes divorce is a very necessary evil to do. This isn't about him anymore, it's about you and your sanity and emotional/mental well-being. I would encourage you to seek some sort of individual counseling for you to help you through this all and to deal with all the pain, anger, sadness, etc he's causing you. Maybe with some help you can finally decide what you want to do about this marriage.
