AboutLaura Giles Expertise Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues
Experience I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of the upcoming book "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."
Organizations International Association for Regression Research and Therapies Inc
National Association of Social Workers
C. Jung Society of Tidewater
Publications The Other Child: Children of Affairs
Education/Credentials BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University
Awards and Honors National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
Expert: Laura Giles Date: 7/6/2008 Subject: Adultry
Question A couple of months ago i confessed to having had an affair with a co-worker. the affair was 10 years ago. My wife suspected it all along, but had no proof, until I came clean. We've been trying to work things out. I'm ashamed of what i did. It was stupid and it really messed up a great marriage. My wife has been trying to deal with her emotions & has gone back and forth from forgiveness & starting new, to going back to being mad about the affair. Then she told me that after she found out the real core of one of our other tissues, she said that she was glad I had the affair, cause I've learned from it & she has learned more about me from it. She says that she doesn't care about it any more. Then this week end, a friend was telling us about his brother whose been banging his brothers wife, when he send him out of town on jobs, and seeing somebody on a TV show get caught by his wife catching him checking out an attractive woman. She gets up & leaves. I noticed something was wrong, so I turned off the TV & went upstairs where she was and asked her why she left. She told me that she didn't want to be reminded about what she's been dealing with & our problem. Her contradicting statements are very confusing to me. I can tell that she's having an understandable tough time in dealing with this. I love my wife dearly & and trying to work things out in our marriage, but am at a loss as to understand the working of her mind in this situation. Can you please give me some understanding of what my wife is going through emotionally. I want to do what ever i can to work through this. But I'm at a loss about her contradictions. I know that there is probably a very goof reason for why she's doing & saying these things, but I can't see it. Your advice & thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Answer Hi Herbert,
Your wife is simply reacting in a normal way to the betrayal and discovery of the affair. It's normal to want to move on, but emotions and logic do not travel in a straight, synchronistic line. She will probably go back and forth for a while. Your role is to be understanding and patient.
If you want some insight into how people typically react to finding out about affairs, there is an excellent forum at http://www.marriagebuilders.com. By reading the posts located there, you can see what is normal for the situation, see what to expect, and perhaps even post your own thoughts.
Best of luck. I am glad you were able to get your marriage back on track.
