Expert: Laura Giles - 11/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: I had an affair with a co-worker for 6 weeks.  I blame myself for everything because I feel that I started it.  But having said that, I developed feelings for this man and he did not.  He's married with 2 small children.  I felt used, cheap, you name it.  He physically abused me, and mentally abused me as well.  He even made a comment about my daughter. I have a very forgiving husband and daughter (14 yrs old).  I am in counceling and he said I'm suffering from PTSD from what he did.  I'm having trouble getting past this.  I still feel like I'm pineing for him.  We don't really speak anymore and I feel like you go from all that attention to nothing.  I'm so hurt and want to move past this but don't know how.  I also wanted to know if he really told his wife although that shouldn't matter to me either.  Please help.

ANSWER: Dear Lisa,

I think your current feelings are probably connected to why you had the affair in the first place. Sounds like you were looking for attention or approval or just to feel good. My guess is the best way to get rid of the hurt from this is to find healthy ways of getting attention, approval and feeling good. If you do, you won't allow someone to abuse you in order to get the things from them that make you feel good.

So, my advice is to talk with your counselor and brainstorm about what you got from it. What made this relationship so valuable that you were willing to have an affair with someone who wasn't so nice. If you can figure that out, it will go a long way towards healing and making wiser choices in the future.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Can I ask why I'm still concerned as far as him not speaking to me?  I know it's the right thing and that we can not speak but I feel like he looks at me like I have a disease or something.  I want to be able to say hello to him here at work but again I know it's wrong.  I just end up feeling so anxious.

Answer
Dear Lisa,

You are still concerned about him not speaking to you because your regard for self is not higher than your need for his approval. When you put yourself first, you will realize what a jerk he has been and will not care what he thinks. So focus on yourself and your healing. If you don't, you may find another jerk to replace this one and continue the painful cycle.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles