AboutThe Man of Steel Expertise I can answer questions about how to handle your position with a cheating spouse or one that has cheated recently. How to straighten up your life and get back on track one way or the other. My answers will include God because He fills the most vital part in your recovery. They will also include help with the decisions you will have to make to clean things up.
Experience Was cheated on several times by the same woman. We were able to save and keep our marriage, and we will never have this problem again as long as we live.
Publications Purchase my book at www.youngadventure.com and reading this alone will be a major relief to your aching mind.
Education/Credentials Five years of college, 20 years of working in every hands-on field you can imagine, and several technical fields.
Awards and Honors 8 semesters on the president's list in college, 10 arm wrestling championships, many local records in cross country running.
Question QUESTION: I am a 14 year old girl that has known that her father is cheating on her mother for quite a while now. He blatantly speaks to this other woman on the phone while i am in the car. I even eavesdropped on a conversation they had. It was disgusting. They talked about how much they "loved each other" and many other vomit inducing topics. My friend told me to approach my father and tell him that i know of his affair and to terminate it, but i am (to be honest) to much of a coward to do that. Yet i find myself wanting to confront him more and more with each passing day. How do i confront him in a peaceful way, but still give him a piece of my mind, (so to speak)?
(hopefully in a way that he would not overreact.)
P.S. i have a sneaking suspicion that he knows that i know about the affair....and yet he continues Please help me!!
ANSWER: Dear KaLz,
Your question is a challenge to answer. Not because I don't know what to do, but because I do know what the situation is and it's so hard to tell you what's ahead for you. You sound more intelligent than many adults, so I know you will handle it as well as anyone could.
Here is where all of you stand: Adultery is a crime that has a couple of similarities with the crime of murder. Those similarities are that it can't be undone, and innocent people must suffer as a result of it, even though they had no knowledge nor anything to do with causing it. Your father and your mother are connected by vows, a history together, and a bond that connects at the core of their being. The depth of that bond is the reason it causes such an earth-shaking upset when one partner commits this crime against it.
Right now your mother's life is hanging in limbo without a real marriage and without a piece of solid ground to stand on. This is the point where the foundation has been torn out from under the marriage and the fall has not been felt yet.
There is a way to make things right, to clear out all the garbage, clean everything up, and have a real, solid family again, but at this point there is still a lot to go through and it's a bit of a journey ahead. Here are the things that must happen if things are to be completely clean and solid again:
Your mother must find out, and the sooner she does, the less distance she must fall. The pain she will experience will be awful, indescribable... no one but her will know the depth of the pain she will suffer, but the crime has been committed and the only way to get everything clear is to go through all the pain and get it all the way through and out of her system. She can't forgive him until she knows what he has done, has felt all the pain, and can make a clear decision in full knowledge of what he's done. The more detail she finds out and feels the pain from, the cleaner the situation will be and the more complete her forgiveness can be.
The strength of their bond is what is being challenged. Some marriages are not strong enough to survive the pain of what's happened. It needs to be understood that if the marriage is not strong enough to withstand what's happened, the marriage is already over. It has been overcome already and is hanging with no foundation until the truth is known. Either way, the truth must eventually come out and the results must take their place. What I want to say to you is that every day that goes by without her knowing, the potential results are getting worse. It needs to be brought to your mother as soon as possible to limit the suffering she will go through.
If the bond between your parents is strong enough, you will see your father begin to devote his life and all his energy to making this right with your mother. Once she knows everything and has forgiven him, it will be his responsibility to do anything and everything it takes to earn her trust back. They will need to share email, passwords, phone texts, and he will need to let her know everyone he sees and deals with every day during his work and all his travels. If ever he needs to go someplace and he won't allow her to go, and she refutes all his excuses and she still can't go, then it can be assumed he is still cheating, only now he will be smarter and keep it from you as well.
If, after your mother knows, he gets upset and tries to place some of the blame on your mother, then the situation is far from being cleared up. There is nothing your mother could have done or failed to do that could justify his cheating. No downfall, nor anything she has done can compare. It was his decision and it's his responsibility.
KaLz, I'm so sorry to lay all this on you, but the crime has been committed and the results must take place, and the sooner the easier. That sounds like an oxymoron, but the more time that goes by, the bigger the space that your family must fall through before reaching solid ground again. Your mother must know, she has that right and it's necessary. The process must take place. I want you to have the best chance at keeping your intact family, and even more so if you have other siblings in the home.
I appreciate you confiding in me. If you need anything else you are welcome to ask again for anything you need. I don't know if I've answered everything so feel free to ask again. I wish you the best and may God bless your family.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for answering my previous question but the thing is that my mother DOES know about his affair. I don't know if she is too scared to take action (divorce) but she has confronted him about his inappropriate indulgences and he replied with accusations of his own. She even told me that he abused her once. Though i do not know how true the last statement is, I am beginning to feel a certain amount of hatred towards my father and I know that it is because of what he has done and is doing. Now I am even more afraid to confront him about it. Please help and thanks again for the previous answer!
Answer Dear KaLz,
It's hard to know what else to tell you. Your father is doing things and not getting the results from them. He's having his cake and eating it too. He is living a fake life and forcing others to do the same. The true consequences of his actions are to lose his family, and he needs to face that in order to have some small taste of reality and some possibility of coming to his senses.
If your mother fears abuse if she attempts to leave, it would be good to get some kind of protection lined up before making that attempt. This sounds like it could become a more difficult situation than similar cases if your father gets forceful and insists on cheating while keeping his family as well. If you know there is no possibility that your mother has ever cheated but your father still makes accusations when confronted, then he is quite a distance from real rationality. I really wish I could help more. It's your mother that will have to do something to shock him back to earth. If abuse is not a concern then she should do that. I could write you ten pages but it would make a lot more sense to speak to your mother. I really want to do what I can. I have tremendous sympathy and empathy for situations like yours since I lived through one. If you think your mother wants to do something about it, have her write me with a good assessment of what she thinks of your father and his actions and her level of desire to make it stop. Thanks again for confiding in me. You are welcome to let me try to help all I can.
