Expert: S. Kessler - 4/15/2009

Question
Hi Kessler,
I am married and infatuated with another married man.  This infatuation started when me and my husband started going through ruff times.  My husband has betrayed my trust before and it was hard for me to get pass but I did.  We have been married for 6 years as of today and everything seems ok except my attention is on someone else.  This man is 31 years older than me and work as a doctor at my clinic.  He wants to take me out and calls me all the time.  My heart just pounds when I talk to him and I get so excited.  I know he is married and I wouldn't dare come in between that and vice versa.  I haven't went out with him because I am scared of the outcome.  As much as I think of him, I just can't seem to go out with him.  I know this is wrong but I can't get over him.  When I don't hear from him, I get sad.  I told him I just want to be his friend only so he won't come on to me sexually (if he did I would sleep with him). He is not rushing things or pressuring me but I am scared.  I really like him and I am scared of messing up.  What should I do?  It is hard for me to just let things be.

Answer
Hi Tiffani~

You have to be very careful here in what you say and do around this doctor.  Some men can be very charismatic, charming, a virtual ladies man, etc.  As nice and charming, etc as he may seem his intentions say otherwise.  Not to mention he's being very unprofessional by asking you out, calling you all the time, etc.  Men that do this have no respect for women in general, their spouse, the other persons spouse and the like.  They are only after what they can prey on and if they can take advantage of a person then they will be all means do so.  This is why I say be very careful what you say and do around him.  He's probably very good at reading body language being a doctor in the medical profession, so he has a way with ppl, and a way with words that can convince someone like you (who's very impressionable and vulnerable at this time) to do something they normally wouldn't do (meaning go out on a "date" with him, have lunch with him, talk to him and eventually strike up an adulterous relationship with you if given the chance to do so).  

And since you're infatuated with him, he knows his so he's taking full advantage of this situation.  By you having problems and issues in your marriage, you're wanting love, attention, affection and even attraction from someone if you're not getting it at home for whatever reasons.  Therefore this makes you very impressionable and vulnerable as I already mentioned before.  He's giving you the attention and you're eating it up like he wants you to.  If given the right circumstances you could end up in a full blown affair with him before you know it (even though you say neither of you would ever do this, yes, it's still likely and possible for this situation to happen given the right things to happen) and then you end up having more troubles in your marriage than you have right now.  As much as you drawn to him and and attracted to him, you need to stop yourself now before it goes too far.  You'll get entangled in an ugly affair and before you know it, he's dumped you and moved on to the next person (hypothetically speaking, of course, but men like this are on the prowl for women like you who are going through a rough patch in their lives).  

To be completely honest, if I were in your situation, I would remove myself from temptations way, stop taking his calls (I know this will be hard for you but it needs to be done to prevent this from leading to other things, such as an affair), only speak to him when you have to in the office for work related things, etc.  This is going to be tough for you to do b/c you have such an attraction to him and it makes you vulnerable and weak to his charm and niceness.  You should try to work on things with your husband if that's what you want to do by trying to salvage the marriage.  If you can't, then you need to move on with your life w/o your husband in it if that's the case.  You need to end one relationship before you even think about starting another, and not with a married man (b/c that's just wrong on so many levels, but you already know that, so I'm not going to criticize you b/c it's not my place to do so).  To a certain extent you're reaction to him is pretty normal given the circumstance you're going through.  Listen, we all want to feel loved, wanted, desired, cared for, attractive, attention paid to us, etc, etc it's human nature.  This can't keep going on the way you've been carrying on with this doctor, and sooner or later you're going to have to do something about all this or it's going to get out of hand.  So since you're easily tempted with him, don't put yourself in temptations way, don't have contact with him (except when it's only necessary and professional/office based things).  Otherwise you will mess up and you could end up regretting your actions.  If you have any further questions please feel free to ask, and I'll try to help you to the best of my abilities.