Expert: Laura Giles - 10/21/2011

Question
QUESTION: Dear Mrs. Giles,
I am in a horrible situation.  I met a man 15 months ago and fell in love. I am a divorced mother of 3 children and I have never known this type of love.  He is everything I have been looking for until the sad reality hit me in the face.  I found after several months into our relationship that he was still married.  He insisted that papers were filed and that he didn't tell me in fear I would leave. We had taken many vacations together and he was at my house everyday, so I believed him when he said that things were over between them.  I decided to work through this situation with him when I found out that he had another woman who also didn't know about the wife and had been seeing him and engaged to him for the past 5 years.  He immediately broke things off with her and she told me he admitted that he truly loved me and wanted to be a better man than he had been.  He had frequented many dating sites and chatted with MANY women all who never knew he was married.  When all this came out, he broke down emotionally and told me everything.  He says he never really trusted women and told me his first experiences when he was hurt. He explained that he and his wife only shared a house but had been apart for many years.  He said he finally wanted to be a better person and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and would do anything to prove that to me.  He put a tracker on his phone so I could see where he is at all times, he answers the phone anytime I call or need him. He spends all his free time with me and has taken me to meet his family (mom, siblings, etc.) My problem is this... Can I ever trust this man?  He has lied to his wife for the past 20 years, lied to this woman he was engaged to, lied to me until he was caught and now he is being deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months where I will not have any access to where he is or what he is doing.  He pleads for me to forget the past and trust him but how can I?  Could anyone?  I feel he has all the characteristics of a sociopath but I'm not a professional so how do I know?  I have stressed,cried, even lacked on my performance in my job of 16 years.  My children have noticed a change and I don't feel peace about any of this.  I'm lost.  Please help me.

ANSWER: Dear Donna,

Your question is, "Can I ever trust this man?" Really?

He has a history of deceiving you, his wife, his fiancee and a host of other women he flirted with and met online and now you want to believe he's "changed" because he loves only you? If I were your best friend and I told you that story, what would you tell me? Really.

You say he has the characteristics of a sociopath (someone who lies easily and undetectably with no apparent remorse). If that is what you observe, why would you doubt the evidence of your own eyes and instinct? You don't have to be a professional to know when someone is a classic liar.

I would suggest that you don't feel peace with this because you know in your heart that what you want and what you have are two different things. This is called cognitive dissonance. What most people do in this situation is either lie to themselves and justify their choice or pay attention to what their own eyes and ears are telling them and act accordingly. I think the first situation only leads to delaying facing the truth. While neither is pleasant, I'd opt for dealing with it now rather than dealing with it later.

My advice is cut it off now completely and cold turkey. You can't heal by picking at the wound. He may very well have a problem trusting women, but it's not your issue to resolve.

I am very sorry. I hope that you can put this behind you soon.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Mrs. Giles.  I do know in my mind and logic what to do and that is to RUN as fast as I can, but for some reason, I haven't been able to.  it seems I always need the constant assurance that there really is no hope in our situation before cutting it off, but even if there was hope, would I ever believe it or trust it?  Probably not.  Thank you again for your quick reply.

ANSWER: Dear Donna,

If this man is truly the sociopath that you think he is, he is getting off on fooling you. The more he can pull over your eyes, the more accomplished he feels. Don't give him this satisfaction. His happiness comes at you expense.

If you find it difficult to cut the cord, tell someone. If you are accountable to someone, they can help keep you strong and keep you occupied so that you don't give in when you feel weak. Stay busy. Take up a class. Do some remodeling. Do something that makes it easy for you to stay away and hard for him to disturb you.

You are responsible for what happens next. If you say that you know he's bad for you and you let him stay in your life, you will get exactly what you expect. Please value yourself higher than that.

If you know he's a dog and "want" to get bitten, you might ask yourself what this says about you as he's meeting some need for you. Discovering the answer might be the thing you need to stay away.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I don't want to get bitten but I am very torn about my heart and my thoughts.  Does he sound like the typical "sociopath" to you?  I wonder what the dysfunctional need is that is being met for me.  What's wrong with me?  I would like to discover what it is as well, not just so I will stay away but so I can finally heal.  My mind races constantly (cognitive dissonance) and I rarely sleep well anymore.  It's always a torment about a decision to be made and standing on it.  Thanks again for your help

Answer
Hello,

I cannot diagnose a person based on hearsay. "Sociopath" is a very serious label. If he IS a sociopath, he won't commit to anyone and isn't a suitable partner for anyone.

My suggestion is to see a counselor to help you figure out the attraction. Everyone has needs. It doesn't make us "dysfunctional." What makes anything functional or dysfunctional is whether or not we make healthy choices. It's normal to want to be loved. It's not adaptable to choose people who can't return our love. If you make unhealthy choices when your eyes are totally open, that's compulsive and not healthy.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles