Expert: Laura Giles - 10/11/2011

Question
Hi!

I want to give some background, that I believe will make it easier to understand my dilemma....

My wife and I met about 22 years ago. I just turned 21 and she was still 19 years old. We ere both at a local student hangout where it was common practice to enjoy red wine and dance on the tables. She pulled me aside later that night as I came down the stairs - she was dancing with a friend. I took her number, and we only talked again 2 weeks later, because I was actually in a relationship at the time with another woman. Two weeks later I called her and we went out on our first date. I had completed 2 years in the army the previous year. Looking back now, I realize that there were danger signs already then. She allowed me on our first date to already explore her body, but no sex as yet!
The next two weeks went by as we talked often on the phone - teasing each other about having sex sometime soon! So, the next Sunday we had our first sexual encounter. This was the beginning of having sex every weekend. I had an operation to my hand 3 months later, which kept me at home for a week. In this week, she visited me daily which also led to multiple sexual encounters, now daily.
At the end of this week, she mentioned she wanted to pose for some photographs for me, as I did photopraphy as a hobby. Eventually she posed in her underwear for me. There was great excitement as we got the prints of the photos back a week later. But she became worried that it could fall in the wrong hands, and we decided together to burn them rather.
Our relationship grew and we eventually got engaged about a year later.
We are both very outgoing people and she enjoys dancing for more than me. Unfortunately we often consume too much alcohol at parties, even at home. While we were engaged, a friend of mine turned 21 and we joined for his party. At this party, late in the evening, after much drinking, she was dancing with a guy. Suddenly his hands were all over her, and she allowed him, actually encouraged him by teasing him as she rubbed herself against him. I managed to pull her away without too much fuss, not to cause issues at the party.
So the next year we got married. And a year later she got pregnant and our daughter was born soon after. We were both involved in a running club, and one evening at a prize giving event, while being on the stage, I caught out of the corner of my eye that some fellow at an opposite table was looking at her intensely. She was allowing him to peek up her dress! Silly as I was, I ignored it, thinking it was just some innocent fun!
At her cousin's 21st party she had some fun with her brothers and their wives and won a cocktail drinking competition. I was busy attending to our daughter when I saw her dancing with a guy again. I could see that she was losing all self control as they were dancinmg VERY intimately. Then they started kissing - here I lost it and pulled her away and left for home immediately, arguing as we drove home.
2 years later we moved to another city. We often had quarrels about our families, but it always stopped without too much fuss. But after 2 years in our now city, far away from all our families, her family came to visit over Christmas. I was working long hours trying to escape them too. In this time I engaged in an emotional affair with a woman 7 years younger. It was great as I could enjoy her fellowship without family stresses. We were flirting and joking and suddenly we found ourselves having sex every afternoon after work, some days during lunch too!
I believe my wife initially had her suspicions as she lured me into sex every evening as well.
One afternon mid January she found out and she left to stay with her family back in her home town.
We manged to talk it out and started all over. I met Jesus and got born again. However, I had to win back her trust in the next years.
She, however, changed her whole wardrobe and started to dress much more daring, but I endured in order to rebuild our trust.
Then I became very involved in church and 6 years later found myself on missions trips to underground churches in the east. (all on my own).
She never complained, but I should have recognized her unhappiness!
She had a promising job and I was only seeing ministry.... We argued often about religious issues. Our sex life was now basic non existant.
She suddenly started to join a gym and developed a real stunning, irresistable body. She also got promoted at work which demanded longer hours.
She suddenly wanted sex more often.
Then about another week later she started to withdraw and pull away whenever I got too close to her. She left earlier every morning for work and returned later too. She started to smoke again too.
I always did our laundry. One evening when she was already sleeping I discovered that her panties were all quite wet. I initially thought it was because of her gym sessions and the summer heat. Then one evening I caught her undressing in the bathroom. And she wore all those panties she knew I liked least. I sensed something unusual especially when she laughed me off when I wanted to initiate sex. The next morning, after she left for work, I discovered her mobile phone on her table - she forgot it. As i opened her drawer to put it away, I noticed that she was back on the pill. She stopped using the pill 2 years ago due to some side affects. Then she stopped at the house to get her phone. I asked her about the pill, which she laughed off and accused me of being silly.
That evening I confronted her, and she acknowledged her affair with a co-worker. A week later she moved in with him. I then discovered that they were having sex every morning, every lunch and every evening; and her weekends away for work were in fact away with him.
I was shattered - it seems I got back 10fold of what I did to her earlier!
God intervened and 12 months later she came back and we started all over again. I forgave her and asked no questions.
BUT, now, almost every month (7 years later) I start thinking about her having sex with this man. I find myself going through every event that I know they were together. I keep trying to imagine how they started and how she eventually gave herslef for him.
I have to stop myself every time as I almost enjoy the thoughts of her having been with him.

Please help! Why does this keep on coming back, and how do i get this to stop?

Answer
Hello,

You are still dealing with this 7 years later because you didn't deal with it the first time. You "forgot" it. You don't talk about it, but you didn't deal with it.

You can't move on by not asking any questions. This just puts you in the position to have it all happen again. You had your affair and she had her affair for a reason. You haven't dealt with those reasons. So essentially, your reconciliation is just a break from fighting.

Please go to a counselor. This is going to take some time to deal with. You need support in bringing this up (after waiting 7 years) in such a way that is not threatening and causes the least amount of disruption. A counselor can help you with that. A counselor may also help you to discover what caused the affairs in the first place so that they never have to happen again.

Good luck,

Laura Giles