Expert: Dr. Mabel Swaby - 10/31/2011

Question
Hi Dr. Mabel
My husband and I have been down a very rocky road for a long time.  He has been involved with someone for 3 years and this woman is begging him to leave me. She genuinely cares for him and adores him.  I got in trouble with a black man at work and since i'm white i'm sure that makes a huge impact on my husband's pride and i'm guessing he is having a hard time forgiving me.  the whole point is that I'm "guessing" everything on a day to day basis.  I have no idea how my husband feels about me because he goes in these all day quiet modes.  he has had plates put in his neck and didn't let the surgery heal properly and claims that is what is wrong with him.  I left home for a month and a half and came back because a sermon stirred me about how we made a covenant with God to hold our marriage together until death do us part.  The pastor said it is not always about how we feel for each other. i called my husband and this moved him and he acted like he wanted me back so i came home.  this is the second time i've left home and then he said he wanted to make marriage work and then every single time i return he goes in this almost constant zombie mode.  i don't think he will be receptive to counseling either.  he is now going with me to church but it is too soon to say if it will keep up because this is the first sunday he has gone.
i can handle being patient with him but for how long?  i feel like it is a one way street relationship  i am cooking now and babying him every way i know how because i was not a good wife for many years.  he has seen how i am trying and he tries too but it's just this mysterious quietness i can't figure out.  is he pining for the other woman?  is he not forgiving me?  i have no idea what the problem is and i cannot continue to nag him either.  just wanted to know what you think.  he is always so gun ho when i first come home and then he just sinks back into his depression a few days later.  he is staying home i must admit..he use to be gone just about 24 -7.  there is someimprovement but my main question is how long should a woman feel like she is being rejected and her efforts are in vain?

Answer
Hi Jackie,
Thank you for writing.  Jackie your marriage covenant was broken when you both went outside of your marriage and involved others. It appears that your husband is quiet because he is hurt and as you stated depressed.  When he begged you to come back, that appears to be what he wanted, but once you return he was reminded of what had happened between you and another man.

Do you have children?  How long have you been married? You stated you both go to church, but are you truly walking with the Lord? Praying and reading the word(Bible) daily? You stated that you were a good wife for many years,that would be all the more reason that he would be hurt when you left.He may be having a difficult time forgiving you. "You left twice" that would cause him to consist  be concerned that you may leave again.I would think that he also has trust issues with you, which seems to embrace you both.

Jackie you stated that your had a three year affair. How did you discover that? Were you trying to pay him back? That never works. It always makes things worst as you are probably aware of by now. As you know I am a Christian Counselor, so I give answers according to the bible, and and instruction He gives us.To answer your question,"How long should a woman feel like she is being rejected and her efforts are in vain?" You both cannot do what you "both" have done, which has breached the marriage and expect that once you both finished your affairs,you both can return to marriage and go on as if nothing happened. He is depressed and it will not get better without outside intervention.You both will need to go to counseling or you go alone. You are looking at him, not seeing what you have done and how much pain he experienced, which is the reason he is responding the way he is. He may be afraid that if he speaks the flood gated may open an you will leave again.

Jackie your marriage is in serious trouble. There appears to be trust and communication issues as well as other issues that were not addressed in your note.

I pray you both will get counseling or at least you will go.
I hope this answer was helpful.
Dr. Swaby