Expert: Laura Giles - 11/21/2011

Question
QUESTION: Dear Laura,

I am the one who consulted you about the "unfaithful flight attendant" over a year ago.

Just days ago, we had another misunderstanding. Sadly, again, it's about her affairs, my affairs, etc. We were actually "doing fine" since the "discoveries". We're ok for a few months, then an outburst of emotions about the affairs. we're ok, then outburst again. It went on like that for the past year or so.

Yesterday, i was talking to a friend about another friend's divorce. I candidly commented that I understood why the wife finally got a new man in her life. I said that "...nobody can blame the woman if the husband hasn't been supportive and more caring...", etc. I clearly understood the why their marriage ended that way.

I was shocked. I said to myself "...that's me and my wife!...".
All of a sudden memories of the past rushed and flowed into me. Vivid and so clear. All of a sudden I saw, felt, and understood how my own wife suffered in our relationship. I clearly saw how badly i treated her. I saw what happened to her and how she felt from her own perspective.

A decade of denial and confusion, then all of a sudden all is clear,understood,and accepted??

It may seem weird and strange, but i can now feel and see how beautiful her affair was to her. what it meant to her, and how special it was for her. Somehow, I even want to thank the other guy for giving her a taste of heaven while she was in hell with me. For if not for him, she might have gone over the edge and hanged herself. Although it's wrong, he gave her an outlet.

And you know what, Laura? I also somehow feel she had the right to engage in that affair!

A few days before, I still was obsessed in ferreting out everything about her secrets. But now, I feel nothing. I'm not interested. I just want to let her know how sorry and regretful i am for the past. I feel an eerie "peace of mind".

Do I love her? Yes, but I don't exactly feel "love" as in longing to hug, kiss, and be with her. It's resembles some kind of limbo. A sort of numbness, a heavy burden uplifted from me.

May i ask for your opinion as to what and why is this happening  to me? I am puzzled with this sudden change in my heart and mind. How do I deal with this abrupt change in me?

Am I going crazy?

Please help me...


Jonathan

ANSWER: Hello Jonathan,

When an affair is followed by a commitment to reconciliation, intimacy, honesty, truth, and real work to repair the situation, what you experienced above often follows. However, when this is something that the couple does TOGETHER, it results in a strengthening of the relationship. It's a shared struggle that creates further bonding.

When you say that you would be okay, then have an outburst, then repeat that cycle, it sounds like your wife and you were not really working at reconnecting. It sounds like you only found ways to co-exist. That is not the same thing as healing or growing together.

I think that perhaps the conflict is what was holding you together. Conflict IS a state of connection, believe it or not. I think that when the conflict left, you realized that the in-love feeling was gone too.

The other possibility is that when the conflict lifted, it left a state of limbo because you were in conflict so long that you don't know how to be in this new state.

I would suggest that the work for you now is to discover what this state is. Is the love gone? Or is this just the threshold to a new beginning?

As for what to do with the new understanding and peace, cultivate it! It's a gift. It's something that you can take into the future with you that will make your relationships better. You have an understanding of what it feels to feel neglected and find happiness in the arms of someone other than your partner. That can help you to be more attentive to your relationships, be a better partner, and to see problems developing BEFORE they result in misery for yourself or your partner.

EVERYTHING is a double edge sword. Affairs are very destructive, but if we use the opportunities that they present for growth, the pain can actually be worthwhile.

Good luck,

Laura Giles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Oh my, Laura, i wasn't expecting this. I'm not ready for this. I'm clueless...

Where do I begin, Laura? I'm really lost now on how to handle this situation.

Where and how do i begin to find the real and true state I'm in now? How do i interpret that answers I will get? What signs, what words, thoughts, or whatever, shall I look for?

Yes, "everything is a double edge sword"...I want to be careful. I might yet commit the biggest mistake of my life if choose wrong.

I need your help...I need guidance...




Jonathan

Answer
Hello,

My suggestion is that you find a counselor to help you. Figure out what it is you want  out of this and then use the counselor to help you achieve your goals.  

It's time to start living mindfully. The affairs definitely weren't mindful. It sounds like your attempts at recovery weren't either. So now you are in a spot that your steps have taken you wondering how you got here and how you get out. To avoid that in the future, it's wise to start looking at what you are doing, understanding the implications and choosing consciously.

If your wife has hung in this far, it's quite likely that she still loves you and is committed to you. With help, you may be able to recapture the love together, if that is what you want. If not, perhaps the counselor's job is to help you break up peacefully and take the lessons that you learned from this relationship with you so that you don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

I think the first step is to figure out what you want. Once you know that, you can start working towards it.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles