Expert: Laura Giles - 11/16/2011

Question
"Hello, I have been on here before and left a question about 6 months ago. Well now I am back with another question. My husband and I have been separated now for 8 months. He has recently moved upstairs from the basement where he was staying. He is still seeing the other woman after the affair. He sleeps out twice a week depending on when she has her kids. Her children don't like my husband and he isn't invited over there when they are there every other weekend. I hit rock bottom last month, and have cold-turkey-like stop the arguing, fights and caring where he goes now. I have put a better focus on my children and myself. I have become matter of factly with my husband and remain calm and collective now. He is responding to this, over the past weekend, he came home on the Saturday night instead of staying with her. I didn't ask for an explanation, but he asked if he could sleep up in our bed if i stayed out. I guess he isn't getting a comfortable sleep at her house even. And the same goes for the past two nights, he could have stayed there, even if she was gone or not as he has keys to her place. But came home after work. And again didn't ask him anything. Just said good night. He is being nice and acting alittle different this past week. Could he be trying to reengage with his family? Or could he be wanting something as to why he is being nice? He started a website for his personal and professional use, well he has 2 minutes to talk about his own children, and then proceeded to talk about her and her two girls for a much longer time. I did mention to him and he went and fixed it (or so he says it is only going to be about him and nothing will be mentioned about her or her kids-in black and white) Do I trust him? IS he maybe coming out of the "affair fog" and trying to get back to reality? Help. thanks"

Answer
Hi Krissy,

I think it's too soon to know what his change of behavior means. People like it when things are peaceful. Maybe he's just more comfortable because there is peace in the house. Maybe he thinks you have accepted that he's moved on. Maybe he is rethinking his decision to leave. I don't know. Only time will tell.

I think your focus should be on YOU. What do YOU want? Your behavior should reflect YOUR goals and desires. Don't let your mood and behavior be influenced by someone else. That will just make you crazy. Take control of your life. Decide what you want, then act accordingly.

If you want him back, fight for him! Not by literally fighting and arguing, but by showing him that you are worth staying. You are beautiful inside and out, fun, vibrant, sexy, and all the things he originally loved about you. Don't be ugly. Don't be angry. If you do that, you will push him away. People get tired of arguing (just like you have), fussing and being made to feel bad. Be the other woman. Do like she's done. Seduce him- not with sex, but with your energy and life. You're the wife. You have the home court advantage. You have his kids (if you have kids), his memories, his life. Put that to use.

If you don't want him and don't want to go back to your life with him, be vibrant anyway. It's for YOU that you do this.  The more time you spend looking back, the more of the present that you lose. Live here and now.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles