Expert: Dr. Mabel Swaby - 11/15/2011

Question
QUESTION: i have been with my beautiful girl friend for 3 years and we have both done stuff that we shouldn't have... i've learned to let the past go because i love her with all my heart and soul but she cant seem to move past the past... what should i do? she has a little boy who we argue in front of all the time and he is tired of us fighting in front of him and says he doesn't want us together and told his mom my girlfriend that i had girls over while she was at work. i really haven't never cheated on her it was always when we had our little separations... but i'm so lost and don't know what to do anymore.. she doesn't believe anything i say. please help me

ANSWER: Hi Matthew,

Thank you for writing. I am sorry that you having this problem. I believe I need more information in order to respond to you. I have a few questions that may help you give me a little more infromation.You have been dating for three years, what is the stuff you both have done? How old is the little boy? How old are you and your girlfriend? What are you both arguing about?

I am sad that the little one has to witness you guy fighting. It is going to teach him how to solve problems. It that what you want him to learn? How many times and what was the duration of your separations? Did you all solve the problem that caused the separation or did you just get back together. Are you both  Christian?

As you know I am a christian counselor.Do you live together? Why are you not married? Why does she not believe anything you say? Have you lied to her before? I hope you will respond, so I will be able to better understand what is going on.
Have you both thought about going to Counseling?

Thank-you,
Dr. Swaby



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for taking the time to try and help me. yes we have been dating for three years, and neither one of us has cheated on one another everything has happened during our little separations. our longest separation has been a month and we never really discuss our problems before we get back together, we just simply make up and go on about our lives for a few days and then we are back to arguing. almost a year ago i was going to hang out with my friend who would always want to stop by these girls house that he knew. now nothing ever happened between me or either one of the girls that lived there but to this day I'm getting accused of sleeping with one of them. i have slept with other girls but it was never when i was together with my beautiful girl. how can i make her believe me? she has all these friends that are guys that I'm supposed to be ok with but if i even say "hi" to a girl I'm flirting. we tried living together but i moved back out because we fought to much. the little boy knows to much already and doesn't need to see us fight any more. i love my family with all my heart and would love to marry my girl someday but right now it doesn't seem possible.

Answer
Hi Matthew,

Thank you again for responding to my questions,however; you have not answered them all which make it difficult to respond. The major question was are you two  practicing Christians because I am a Christian Counselor. My responses are biblical based. I will try my best to respond.

The reason you start back arguing Matthew is because you have not addressed the issues that caused you to separate in the first place, you just took a break. Why did you go with your friend if you knew he was going to visit girls and you "love your girl?" People say trust is earned, but it is distrust that is earned, based upon a person's actions.

You say you have slept with other girls, how does that equal trust? Even if you were separated that was not the right thing to do if you loved your girl. You would be to busy trying to work on the issues in your relationship to be with other girls. That is why she does not trust you. It seems like you guys do not respect or trust each other with good reason. Who is loving and protecting this "little boy?"  You say "he knows to much already" Where did he learn all he knows" I believe you two need face to face counseling. "Love is an action word." It does not appear that you two are anyway ready for marriage or even living together at this point.
I believe if you two really want this relationship to work you will seek counseling before you go any further. I hope you will discuss this letter with your girl, and see if she feels this relationship can work. I hope this answer will help.
Dr. Swaby