Expert: Laura Giles - 11/29/2011

Question
I recently went out of town for 4 days.  When I returned home, I discovered my husband had been texting a girl a few years younger than him.  The text msgs were very inappropriate in my opinion. For example it was mentioned a date, how much fun they had, glad I could cheer you up, did my peter please you, etc.  I immediately confronted him.  He deleted the txt and told me it was no big deal, and denied any inappropriate msgs.  I confronted the girl the folowing morning only to be told it was what i read but that it was just a joke.  They were also at a mutual gathering and sat up talking about her life and family problems.  This isnt the first time I have told him how uncomfortable it makes me.  Now his has informed me he will keeps his phone locked with a security code so I cant snoop.  What should I do?  I truely love my husband and want to work this out but I cant live like this anymore!!!  Please help me!

Answer
Hello Amber,

Your husband and you have very different ideas of what it means to show love, trust and commitment. You seem to have very different ideas of what constitutes respect and cheating. I'd start there. Have a discussion of what is appropriate. The two of you have to be working from the same set of rules. There is a great website that has a list of rules for married couples at http://www.marriagebuilders.com. They are the Policy of Radical Honesty, the Policy of Joint Agreement, and the Policy of Undivided Attention (I think). I love those. They are respectful and fair to both sides and cover most topics.

If you have trouble getting him to take this seriously, see a counselor to help. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. There are times in our lives when we need help sorting things out. This is not a time for friends and family because you don't want them to take sides. You need someone who will be on the side of the marriage.

Good luck,

Laura Giles