Expert: Laura Giles - 11/12/2011

Question
hi laura,
my husband and i have both been in trouble with affairs..mine was not a relationship like his was..he fell inlove with his mistress of 3 years and after much agony between us i left home september 1 and returned october 17th.  i heard a touching sermon about how we made a covenant to God when we took our vows and when i called my husband to tell him this he agreed ..cried like he was touched..and told me to come home.  
he said he got rid of his secret phone with mistress ..destroyed the sim card in phone..andwanted to start over
in the past I was NOT a good wife..did not cook, hardly cleaned to suit him and wasn't a supportive wife in general  this has made me willing to start over and try to be a good one now.
i have made alot of progress and he has taken baby steps himself to work with me on being a good husband but he stillneeds some humble pie that he is wrong about things too.  he has apologized more than he use to so maybe theres hope.  the reason i am writing you tho is because for the most part i dont see hope
our sexual relationship has been dead for 6 years.  he snaps at me alot over nothingalso...and whenhe does this suddensnapping fromo nowhere i take it he is frustrated over missing this other woman maybe?  that is very frustrating to me when i promise you i am trying to take care of him now  i dont know how much longer i canfeel like it is a one way street for the most part.  i have made sure i did not bring up this woman to him and same with my affair ..we wanted to start over with a cleanslate  but i sense turmoil with him with no definite interest in me at all.
i did get him to watch a sermonwith me on line and to go to church once..but it just feels like a constant struggle to get him back with me even a little..  it actually makes me feel physically ill that i am beating a dead horse and wasted my time coming back.
i will take any wisdom you have to offer

Answer
Dear Jackie,

It's been a month. That's not a lot of time to get things back on track. I realize you are frustrated and want your hope and sacrifice to mean something, but he's had a 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP. He's quite likely grieving. It's normal to mourn a relationship. I know that doesn't sound like what you want to hear, but I honestly don't think he's ready to "work" yet.

My suggestion is for the two of you to go to counseling. You need a third party to get the two of you working together. A counselor can make sure that you don't take on too much too fast. She (or he) can give you perspective and hold your hand for support when the other isn't there for you.

Surviving an affair CAN happen, but the ones that I see generally don't survive because they expect too much too fast, give up, don't have support, and don't understand how healing happens.

When there is an affair, both parties are hurt. The betrayed party wants the betrayer to show some remorse, but the betrayer is in mourning. He is thinking about all the things that are wrong with the marriage. He is feeling the loss of the good things that the mistress gave and not comparing the wife favorably. If you want to turn that around, you have to be the woman your husband fell in love with. You have to be happy, sexy, beautiful, loving, funny, and delightful to be around. I am SURE that is not what you want to be when he's moping around and not being all those things to you, but if you want this to turn around, it's who you have to be for as long as it takes for him to SEE *YOU* as the woman he loves (vs. the other woman).

When HE'S ready to work- I don't mean when he does something to please you, but when HE'S ready- you have a shot at a reconciliation.

If you are your most wonderful self for as long as you can stand it but still don't get what you need, then you can walk away knowing in your heart that you did all you could. If he turns around, then you have a shot at having a better future.

I wish you the best,

Laura Giles