Expert: Laura Giles - 12/9/2011

Question
QUESTION: I have been with my fiancee for over a year now and we are recently engaged. I found a message on his facebook about a month ago, the first time I have ever snooped, that he sent to a girl I have never heard about. He told her how much he missed her and fall made him think about her and how their are feelings left unclaimed, and he misses how she cuddled. There were some other messages to other girls but I did not read them. The main thing I need to do right now is to just vent. I feel HUMILIATED, maybe more than anything else. This girl was talking back to him on facebook and now I look like a complete idiot. We are ENGAGED, all of his stuff is about me, she has seen that, and here he is talking to her. It makes me look like real crap. Some girl I don't even know KNOWS my boyfriend is out to cheat on me. And I know he has talked to others too. How many girls are on his facebook that he talks to behind my back who knows he is with me... I am one HUGE joke to everyone. I have never felt like this in my life. Honestly I have been so depressed and humiliated about this that I have considered just giving up on everything, I would never kill myself, but I could easily sit in a corner until I did not exist anymore. I am mad at him, betrayed by him and I hate all of these girls who know I'm just some fool.
He deleted his facebook. But they are still there and he still has his phone. I know he was texting girls too. He was always 'poking' his ex fiance on there. In my eyes deleting facebook did nothing but move it all to his phone. He hoards it all the time. He did seem truly sorry, but I can't shake this. I forgave him that night and we decided to stay together, I haven't told anyone about this happening so I don't look more foolish. He is treating me really well now, but I still can't trust him. There is an elephant in the room and it is closing in on me. My heart is literally shattered. I cannot trust him any further than I can throw him and long days while I am alone at work I can't escape it. It's like it is haunting me. I have no-one to talk to, because I don't want anyone else to know... I don't like looking like the stupid little girl who got cheated on by the person she loved most in this world, the girl who would have never known about it had I not snooped. Who knows what else he has done, and I don't know what girls he has been with. I have only been with him sexually, he won't even tell me who he has been with. He is like some huge slut and all of them know it... but me. I feel like some number in the f*cking list that sure he has feelings for, but I am just another story. I can't talk to any of my guys friends who would have helped me through this, either, because I'm not like that. I don't cheat. I don't even put myself into a situation that could be tempting. I am rock-hard faithful. I'm putting my life into this. The only thing pulling me through is my love for him and my unwavering thoughts that suicide is wrong and much too hard to commit. I feel like a broken, trampled rose that no-one will ever see. I am destined to be alone like this forever because I cannot leave and I can never trust my fiance again. I just needed to say all of this somewhere, so that I know at least someone has heard me.

ANSWER: Dear Bree,

You did not "forgive" him. Forgiveness doesn't happen in a word. It happens in the heart. You are torn up about this. That's not forgiveness nor should it be. He has to EARN that.

If you want to get over this, you have to let go of your pride and tell people. He gets away with it because it's secret. If he realizes how much his actions impact others, he may look at them differently. He didn't just humiliate you. He outed himself as a dishonest cheater- only you are keeping that from people who already know. So, it doesn't make sense, does it?

What's wrong with snooping on your fiance? He's your FIANCE! His life is yours. Your life is his. If it isn't, maybe you shouldn't be together. I mean, isn't that what marriage all about?

The more you hide yourself away, the more you punish yourself for HIS deeds. That's hardly fair to you. Hold you head high. You didn't do anything wrong. Why not give him the responsibility? It's his, after all.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: How do I put this behind me? Neither of our parents know about this ordeal, or anyone in our close family/friends. My heart wants me to stay because I love him and I am so happy with our life that we have together, but everytime I see girls I think he knew or knew he knew... or see him on his phone, or know he is going to classes at college with some girls... it comes back to me. It is like hate, humiliation, resentment, rage, jealousy, betrayal all together. It is such a powerful emotion that is overtakes me and makes me blind.
I hate all of those girls for being sluts and talking back to a guy who they KNOW if taken, and I am hurt and resentful of him for seeking them out in the first place.
I think he is addicted to sex, or addicted to them. he just can't let it go. Little issues have been popping up here and there since we have been together. It's hard to see because he doesn't treat me much differently. I wouldn't even know if I didn't stumble across it.
I would still be in the dark, the pathetic little girl who isn't good enough for him not to wander. When I think of these other girls It's like they are thinking "Wow, I must be sexy. This guy is so into me. His girlfriend is way below me and nothing in comparison." Why would he make me look like that to those girls? Doesn't he understand this would hurt me? He just hides it and lives this secret life keeping me in the dark. I am scared to forgive him because I am scared to end up here again, looking even more foolish. "The girl who takes him back when he obviously doesn't want her. She is so desperate."

Answer
Q: How do I put this behind me?
A: I answered this in the previous email.

Q: I hate all of those girls for being sluts and talking back to a guy who they KNOW if taken
A: Okay, this is part of the problem too. It's not a girl's fault for talking to your fiance. It's his. HE is the one who has committed to you. HE'S responsible for his behavior. It's easy to blame third parties because then you don't have to face his betrayal and disrespect. Why not be hurt and resentful for HIS behavior?

Q: I think he is addicted to sex
A: If this is true and he's CLINICALLY A sex addict, you have a whole different problem on your hands and I'd advise you to get out of the relationship now. The prognosis for recovery of sex addiction is not good. If he is a sex addict, he will not stop.

Q: "The girl who takes him back when he obviously doesn't want her. She is so desperate."
A: If you don't want to see yourself in this way, don't take him back. I realize it is hard to let go of someone you love, but you can't be happy if you give up your self-respect. Nobody is worth that.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles