Expert: Laura Giles - 12/21/2011

Question
My wife appearantly has formed a very close relationshiop with a man online (an old high school friend, out of state).  I don't know if it evolved into anything more explicit in their chats, but when I asked her about her relationship with him and if she would be willing to show me any of his messages, she proceded to consciously deceive me and pretend there were no messages.  I had seen them the night before on her facebook when she left the room.  I confronted her about this and she said she was just protecting my feelings because of the close language they used with each other "I was hoping we could chat tonight, if just for a bit.  XOXO"  (she says she uses XOXO with many people...but it seems out of normal context here)  He responded the next day with what he was doing when he missed her messaged and ended it with "I'll be thinking of you".  She replied back that "this relationship is unconditional..."  I know this is only suggestive language and nothing in and of itself, but she has been coy about her relationship with him when I ask and she has since locked me out of her computer.  Here is my question:  there is a program called FChat that can scan a computer's hard drive and recover bits and pieces of past Facebook chatting.  It would put my heart at rest if I could be proved wrong, but, conversely, I'm not sure I can trust her if I settle with the half answers about him.  What do you think about me approaching her about scanning her computer?  It would be in line, I believe, with the principle of transparency and openness needed to rebuild trust in our relationship.  But could it do more harm that good if I keep pressing her like this?  I am torn.
thanks

Answer
Dear Kirk,

I can understand why you'd have mixed feelings about this, but how does honesty hurt? If she is being inappropriate, that's a sign that something is wrong in the marriage. That's a sign that the two of you need to work harder to earn each other's trust, affection, and devotion. If you ignore it, the problem doesn't go away.

This guy isn't the problem. He is a symptom. If you can address the symptom, this doesn't ever have to become a problem- with him or anyone else.

That said, if you can keep the big picture in mind, I'd say to go ahead and do the spyware. If you are planning to use this information to punish her, I think you will just intensify the real problem. So, be aware of what it is you are trying to accomplish before you do this. Keep your eye on the end goal. Act effectively, not emotionally.

You are blessed with the opportunity to turn things around before they become too big and ugly. If you handle this well, it could be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage because it could result in a deepening of the trust and intimacy between you and your wife. She's hiding this because SHE doesn't trust YOU. Show her that she can trust you with her feelings, fears, and insecurities and she won't have to have another man in her life to make her feel valued.

Good luck,

Laura Giles