Expert: Laura Giles - 8/23/2011

Question
QUESTION: I cheated on my husband. We have a 10 year marriage, 2 years courtship before that. we have two kids (9, 4). I have never done anything ever to hurt him before this time. But this time i got close to a friend. I went out with him for a month. i was some what physical but did not sleep with him.
the friend helped me with quite a few things on my move to a different country..i felt kind of close and obliged. i don't know where i lost my mind at what point. but my husband suspected me based on lot of text messages and then he sent pvt detectives... those guys gave him lot of details which were not even true... like we went in a hotel room etc. I never did. but then hubbie confronted me with evidence and i gave in. initially i didn't come out 100% clean as i feared i will hurt him and he will scream at me.. but then i started reading books on this and understood his side. i gave him all details and am 100% transparent now. he has all my passowrds etc. i tell him everything that even goes through my head. i have realized what a mess i have done and im hurting that i hurt my sweet husband to this extent. i really want to mend this mess and earn his trust again... he threatened me with divorce and im devastated by that.. he keeps saying he will take revenge, cheat on me or leave me... but then he comes back being very sweet many times, forgiving.. and then back to hopeless, depressed. i totally understand his flakyness. i want to do everything that i can to get him through this mess and regain his trust. i have eradicated that friend from my life, emails, contacts.. everything the day my hubbie confronted me. i have stopped any and every contact with that guy since that day... im trying my level best to do all my duties, besupportive to my husband and take care of my 2 kids all by my own... he is still abroad. but it seems its just not helping... i even went to a psychiatrist. she said i have personality disorder and hypomania and has asked me to take some meds.. but i dont agree. i think its a misdiagnosis. im fine.. i just lost my mind and made a humongous mistake... please help me.. how can i convince him that ill never do such a thing again and i love him o death and i need him in my life and i want to grow old with him ... im so disgusted with myself... no matter how much i repent and distract by doing good deeds like social work, i cant forgive myself.. it hurts and i hate myself... please help me... i want to bring my family back to where it was.
at this point i dont want to consider anything that was falling short in my marriage... that is not the point. what i did has nothing to do with that. i take the entire blame.. it was my character that fell short.. it was my 100% fault that i slipped. he has been a good husband and good father.

ANSWER: Dear Niha,

If what you say is true, you are doing all you can. It will just take time to heal what was broken. It will be difficult, if not impossible, until your husband comes home and you are together again. Just keep doing what you are doing.

The bit about the psychiatrist stands out like a red flag however. Medical professionals can be wrong, but I'd pay a bit of attention to that or at least get a second opinion. If the psychiatrist is right and this goes untreated, I would anticipate another break of some sort in the future. Since you are trying to avoid that, I'd look at addressing EVERYTHING that contributed.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Laura,

thanks so much for your response.. i have some more questions for you.
my husband is now with me... we have been talking a lot... there are times when he says he will never leave me, he loves me, he wants to be physical all the time but then there are equal number of times when he is sarcastic, detached and depressed.
he keeps questioning my motive of staying in marriage... and he says he feels stuck with me.

how do we go about that?
at times i get tired facing his sarcasm... don't know how to handle that.
i'm compassionate with him when he is hurt and depressed, i take in when he is angry and lashes out but it really make me weak when he compares me with a prostitute and such harsh comments....

please guide me....

thanks again,
niha.

Answer
Hi,

You just have to be patient. What he is going through is normal for the situation. if you are pleasant, loving, understanding and patient, he will eventually see that and be the happy husband more often until eventually, he is that person all the time. he's hurt. All you can do it love and support. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's hard, but this is just part of recovery for everyone.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles