Expert: Laura Giles - 9/11/2011

Question
QUESTION: I grew up from young with a serial cheater for a father. He started his flings when I was 7 years old until today and I'm now 32 years old. His flings are normally with prostitutes and bargirls, but none of them were taken really seriously. Needless to say, each time he was found out by my mom, and there were huge quarrels and fights. He slapped and kicked my mom around but they still remain married. Guess she hanged on for my younger brother and myself. Unfortunately, this time around things have gotten real serious. See, my father is now 62 years old and his life has been an abject failure. He's been on anti depressants but they are not working. My mom has stood by him throughout. She is celebrating her 58th birthday today btw. 2 months ago, my father met a bar girl and she was hooked on to him. I chanced upon him several times secretly leaving the house to call the woman at night. He will act as though everything is normal and right. Last month, he coerced my mom to visit a foreign country in Europe for 3 weeks. She did as told and she was there first for one week. He stayed behind, citing "business". In fact, he took the chance to see the woman every night until wee hours. I know this as I'm staying at the family home. He left for Europe a week later, and since then, I was told by mom he was really depressed during the trip. He cancel all travel plans. He then cut short his holiday and came back today with mom. Mom found out today all the secret texts from his hand phone. All hell broke loose, and mom threaten to commit suicide. He told her he wants a separation and he doesn't want his life to be controlled by her. Said he wants a fling once a week and my mom is obstructing him. I've advised my mom to move on with her life. There is no use to talk to him as he is stubborn and a chauvinist. He's the type that believes a wife should cook and not be heard. My mom is now an emotional wreck, crying, sobbing, pulling her hair. She said she's emotionally dependent on him and can't lose him. He has said he wants to split, but doesn't mind sharing the same roof with her. My mom needs help and quick. I've done everything I can, supporting her and being there for her. Her life revolves around him and she cannot bear for him to leave. There is little I can do. Please help.

ANSWER: Hi Brad,

There is a lot going on in your family. I am sorry that you are dealing with all this. What specifically do you want help with? There are so many areas I could touch on. I need a bit more focus.

Thanks,
Laura Giles

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for reading this, and sorry if I had diverge from the pertinent points.

Just to bring up to speed, there are a lot of negative elements in my family, and if I was to shift blame, it would fall squarely on my father. He feels he is beyond reproach. He feels guiltless despite all the recent events. It has already been a week, and there is no improvement in mood. He still makes secret calls, and would ignore my mother completely when the mood suits him, ie. being silent, sullen and pensive in and outside the house, refusing to speak when spoken to.

He has also posted on Facebook that he did not "enjoy one single day of the trip and completely wasted money on the trip, better not to get your hopes up since reality is often worse than your expectations". The European friend who has showed my parents around in Europe has cut off communication with him since then.

My mother is taking the situation day by day, but she remains inconsolable. I have a younger brother studying in Australia too, but my mother and I have not told him about anything yet because we want him to focus on his studies.

Laura, I really could use your advise:

a. could my mother ever regain or be emotionally strong to stand up for herself? if so, how?

b. are there ways to improve her emotional needs so she can feel detach from my father's continuous adultery? I had told her she has the power to find the key to be strong, but right now we are just taking it day by day.

c. are there ways to let my father realise his wrongs or to feel guilty and not to repeat his wrongdoings? I do not want to resent him, but it is getting difficult since my mom's mental condition is very weak and fragile.

d. anything to help improve the parents' relationship.

Thank you very much Laura.

Answer
Dear Brad,

Thanks for the clarification. You are not going to like my answer, but here it is.

Don't borrow trouble. The questions that you ask are for your parents. It's THEIR work... if they choose it. You cannot do it for them. Of course your mother can be emotionally strong enough to stand up for herself IF SHE WANTS TO. Or she can choose to be a victim all her life. Or she could fall somewhere in between. It's up to her.

You are not your mother's counselor, nor should you be. It's inappropriate. You are her child. Her job is to nurture and protect YOU, not the other way around. You are too involved in this and shouldn't be. It's unhealthy. Your parent's relationship is THEIR relationship. Let them work this out.

Your parents' job is to provide you with nurturing, values, and support so that you can grow into an healthy, stable, self-supporting adult. It's not their job to live your life for you. It's not your job to live your life for them. Neither can solve the other's problems. All you can do is support what your MOTHER chooses and love her through it.

So, that is my advice. Stand back. Let your mom make her own choices and support her. If she needs advice, she should get it from a PEER, religious leader, or counselor- not you.

If your father's behavior leads to you resenting him, it's a natural consequence that is totally appropriate. I can understand why it's not a feeling you would choose, but it is what it is. He's acting really unlikeable right now. Just let it be as it is. He should not get a free ride and deserves to have consequences. Accept that it is as it should be.

If you want to talk to him about this, by all means talk, but don't expect to change him. You can't. Only he can do that.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles