Expert: Laura Giles - 9/21/2011

Question
I am a soldier in the Army. I have been in for about 2 years now, and it has not been the best on my marriage, but I had no complaints. Over the last 2 years, I have gone through Basic Training and AIT, which totaled about 8 months in which time I didn't see my wife. But I knew that she was faithfully waiting for me when I got back. After I got to my new unit in May 2010, my wife moved with me and we found out that I would be deploying in January of 2011. We spent as much time together as we could, and we discussed the potential problems that it could have on our relationship. Through all this I was sure my wife would stay faithful to me. We have been through much worse. In 2008 I lost my job, and so did she. We ran out of money and neither of us could find jobs. It got so bad that we were literally homeless at one point. We were sleeping in my truck, working at temp agencies for $40 a day five days a week just so we could eat and have the truck running through the summer months with the ac on. Not once did we ever hesitate on our relationship. In fact, I believe it made it stronger. I knew from those experiences that she was serious when she said she would stick with me through the good and the bad. We have been together for 5 years now, married for 3 and I never suspected any problems.

Recently I felt that because of our limited communications while I am on this deployment that I hadn't taken the time to express to her just how much I love her. She has always been my one and only love. I could never betray her or hurt her. I wrote her a long letter; poured my heart and soul into every line of this thing. Told her how I felt. Told her I missed her and I couldn't wait to hold her in my arms again. Shortly thereafter, I received a message from her. It started out sweet. She said she loved me. She said she missed me. I could tell it was genuine. But then in that same letter she told me that she has had sex with 4 different guys multiple times going back as far as early March. Only 5 weeks after I left. She also said that the most recent was only 4 days ago. She apologized profusely and we tried to talk through it, but I am at a major crossroads. I have nobody I can talk to. My family and I do not talk because they don't approve of my decision to marry who I did, or my decision to join the Army. I really have no friends, and there is really nobody in my unit I trust. The gossip network in the Army is crazy, and I don't want my personal business getting spread and the game of telephone being played with the events of recent. So, I turn to you for advice.

Like I said, up until yesterday I was 100% sure my wife was faithful to me. I had no reason to doubt it. I also know that my wife did not have any permanent plans with these people. I believe that she still loves me, but 7 months of keeping this secret from me is killing me. Especially when I found out that everyone in her family, my family, and all of our friends knew about it and yet they did nothing to encourage her to cease these relations or to make the effort to make sure I got told. I believe that she feels legitimate guilt for what she did. I just need to know what to do. Should I try to work this out with her? And if so, how do I go about doing so from such a distance as is between us right now? How can I extinguish this anger and hurt that I feel? It is affecting my job performance and my entire life. What suggestions do you have for trying to make this work? I am not even so upset at the fact that she had sex with another man/ men as I am that she kept it from me for 7 months, including the 2 and 1/2 weeks that I was home on leave. Everyone looked me in the eyes and told me nothing. Can I ever trust her again wholly? And how do we even begin to rebuild that trust?

Answer
Dear Lars,

I hate to break it to you, but cheating in the military is rampant. It's not because military families are any less moral than other families. It's because the couple are separated. It is difficult to stay faithful to someone who isn't there. You say that you have no one to talk to. She's in the same boat. It's easy to feel emotionally isolated when your spouse isn't physically there. So when someone comes along and gives you the emotional and physical attention that we all needs, it's easy to just let one thing lead to another. It's hard to set aside our needs for the two weeks of the year when our partner will be around. We don't just have needs when it's convenient. It's there all the time.

I am not saying this to excuse your wife. I am saying this because it's true. As long as you are in a job that separates you, you will face this problem.

It's a lot easier to deal with if both of you have better coping skills. If your wife felt she had other alternatives, she might have chosen to do something else instead of cheat. Now that all of this is out in the open, the best thing for her to do is to learn from it, know herself a bit better (so she can see this coming in the future and do something proactive to avoid it) and have a strategy for avoiding it.

As for you, I can't say whether it's wise for you to try to work it out or not. I can tell you that you have your work cut out for you trying to do this from a distance. Love requires face to face interaction to stay alive and thrive. I don't know how you can do that in the military.

You rebuild trust by seeing with your eyes that your partner is trustworthy. You call, she is where she says she is. She says something and you verify that it's true. She says she loves you and backs it up with action. We rebuild trust the same way we earn it to begin with, but if you aren't there to see her, check up on her and receive her love, it's awfully hard to rebuild anything.

If you want to work it out, I say give it a try. But whatever you do, don't just say, "I forgive you" and let things go right back to how they were because they will. She will go right back to cheating if there are no consequences, no self-reflection, and no changes in coping strategies.

Sorry I can't offer more than that. It's a tough situation.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles