Expert: Laura Giles - 9/6/2011

Question
Hi Laura,
I have this dilemma that I have been going through for almost three years.  I have been sort of cheating with a married man that is like 31 years older than myself.  I never intended it to end up this way.  We met at work at a time I was having problems with my husband whom I have been married to for 8 years.  I started confiding into my friend personal information which led to sort of an emotional attachment.  I liked him because he was older, financially stable, and very appealing.  After the emotional attachment phase, he started asking for sex.  I wanted too but couldn't find myself to do it.  Once he seen that I wasn't going to have sex, he started sort of ignoring me...playing mind games.  To keep him around, I would send him sexy text pics and messages to keep him around without having sex.  Finally one day, I ended the sort of emotional affair.  Now I have a huge problem.  He won't leave me alone.  He has started calling me randomly, texting me often, showing up at my job, and watching me at work in the parking lot (not daily but often). If I tell him to go away, he does for a week but comes right back. I became so scared that I told my husband.  Now my situation is worse than before because my husband doesn't trust me anymore.  On the other, this man won't leave me alone.  He is telling me he wants an affair with me instead of just random sex.  I explained to him that I don't want the affair but it seems that he is not agreeing.  Last conversation with him was him telling me that I will be in his life forever whether I love it or not.  I don't know what's going on.  My marriage is falling apart because of my stupid actions and my sanity is falling apart because I have no peace.  I told him I would tell his wife but he told me she knows.  He seems crazy.  Please offer me advice.  I know I messed up big time.  Although he seems crazy, is he serious?  Should I keep ignoring him until he goes away?  How can I get my husband to trust me if this man keeps coming around?

Answer
Hello,

YES, You keep ignoring him until he goes away! It will probably escalate before it dies down, but he will have to leave you alone eventually.

Your husband isn't going to trust you until this is resolved. Period. Why should he? You lied and kept something HUGE from him. Just take care of one thing at a time. Tell your husband EVERYTHING and block this man from your life in everyway. Once he's out, THEN start working on rebuilding trust.

You can try now, but it will be futile as long as this other man keeps coming around because he is ruining your credibilty.

Best of luck,

Laura Giles