Expert: Laura Giles - 1/7/2012

Question
Hi,
I've been married for 12 years- most of which were very unhappy- and have two children whom i adore. 4 years ago i became separated from my husband (he was irresponsible and a bully most of the time) and i fell in love with a wonderful man. he too was in an unhappy marriage. we had a very fulfilling and intense relationship for 2 years. he was reluctant to get a divorce (it would have been his second) and I, under pressure from my family (very traditional) and kids decided to give my marriage a second chance. so we broke up and i went back to my husband. we went to counseling and many of our problems were resolved. my children are happy and thriving. the problem is i am not at all happy. i do not love my husband and hate having sex with him and each time we do i cry afterwards. i think of my lover all the time and cry often although i haven't seen or talked to him in 2 years. i love him more today than i ever did. i feel lonely and empty although i keep busy studying for my M.A and working part time. i know i ought to focus on the present and i try and i enjoy my studies and my kids. still i hurt, and time isn't helping rather the opposite. please help me.

Answer
Hello Rachel,

You still love your ex because you keep him alive in your mind and heart every day. Where your mind goes, energy flows. You are exactly right when you said that you ought to focus on the present. The way out of this is to focus on what you have, not on what you don't have. It seems that you have a lot to be happy about, yet you choose not to be. You have the key out of this already. Just be mindful. Live in the present. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your marriage. If you continue to live in sorrow and resentment, that's what you will get.

Good luck.


Sincerely,

Laura Giles