Expert: The Man of Steel - 1/11/2012

Question
My husband had an affair with the neighbor about 7 months ago and it lasted for 3 months. I found out by accident and I'm sure he would still be having an affair if I didn't find out.  I am so worried that he loves her.  He promised me that it was a mistake and he would never do it again.  I can't sleep or stop thinking about it.  I love him so much! We have been married for 15 years and have two children.  Is it possible that it was just a mistake and he will never do it again?  He told so many lies!  I really want this to work out but I am so afraid of being lied to again.  He gets angry every time I want to know more about the affair, is that normal?  I'm trying to forget but with her right next door I afraid the temptation is always there.  What should I do?
Thank you for your time

Answer
Dear Heather,

If this situation were handled the right way, you would move away from your neighbor and never have anything to do with her again as long as you both live.  Your marriage is more important than your job, your proximity to schools or anything else to do with where you live.  Your children growing up in a stable household with faithful parents is more important.  It doesn't even compare.  However, the core of the problem must be dealt with as well, or this will happen again no matter where you live.  The core of the problem being that your husband was capable of this in the first place.

With two children in the picture, it becomes a matter of absolute necessity to have your marriage built on a true, solid foundation.  Your husband needs to repent with all his heart and ask your forgiveness, and you need a brand new start.

Plain reality goes like this:  Marriage is defined by a decision of two people to commit, and vows made before God and witnesses of that commitment.  When one partner cheats, the marriage is gone.  It is no longer marriage because it no longer fits the definition of marriage.

If one partner cheats, the proper result is for that partner to lose his/her spouse and family. Then, to pay the price of earning it back, the cheating partner must repent from the bottom of his/her heart, ask forgiveness, and make an absolute determination that they will never so much as entertain the possibility again.

The fact that he gets angry when you ask about it shows a couple of things.  One, that he has not repented.  Two, that he does not empathize with you and has no idea the pain he's caused you.  Currently, yes, you are living with the risk of it happening again.  His behavior shows that.

For him to do this right, he does need to confess every detail you ask for, and every detail he knows is relevant whether you ask or not.  A person cannot be truly sorry and angry at the same time.  If he's angry, he's not sorry, except sorry that you found out and it made a bad situation.  If he was truly sorry for the betrayal and the pain he's caused you, you would see that emotion. The anger shows the absence of that.

Yours is a tough situation.  In order for him to get the just result for what he did, you should have picked up and walked straight out the door with the kids as soon as you found out.  He should have been made to deal with his mistake and the result of his mistake right on the spot.  As it is, he has done this terrible thing and he still has his cake.  You will continue to live with this uncertainty until the whole thing is cleaned out from the bottom up.  I predict at this point that he will do it again.  What you need to do is set something up so that you will know without a doubt that he has or is doing it again.  A hidden recording device or camera, or someone who can find out for you. Watch for the signs, then set yourself up to find out.

The minute you find out, you need to make him face what he's done by presenting him with the result of his actions, which means losing the family he has betrayed.  He then has a new goal and his mind must focus on that instead of cheating again.  He must do what it takes to get you back, which is a full repentance.  In a way you have denied him the privilege of being truly sorry by denying him the true results of his actions.

This is a really hard situation, but when this happens it's just hard and that's the nature of it.  Once you separate, he will either gravitate toward the other woman, in which case he wasn't the one you wanted for a husband anyway, or he will drop her altogether and devote all his efforts to gaining his family back, which means the relationship has enough substance to survive.  If he does come back then the other woman would have to be out of the picture completely and permanently.

I know it's a huge leap and it's like jumping off a cliff, but such is the nature of this type of betrayal. In any case, I know exactly what you are going through and I feel your pain.  I was in a similar situation and my marriage was in the same stage yours is now in.  We were not able to get it done properly until I caught her again and made her face what she had done.  That gave her the sorrow she needed to fully repent, and for these last 6 years I know she has been faithful.

I really hope I've said something that will help you set things right.  I truly want to help if I can.  If you have any other questions you are welcome to ask again.  I wish your family the very best.