Expert: Laura Giles - 1/3/2012

Question
I left my husband of 22 years for my lover of one and half years I have lived with him on and off for a year. My question is how how to choose between them  now. They both want me in there lives I have been going back and forth for almost a year now and they both know it. I or they break up with me and the other one comes back as soon as they find out Iam alone. I love my boyfriend.It seems like  my husband has some kind of hold over me I am not sure I even love him I don't know why I keep going back to him when me and my boyfriend breaks up. I wish could just pick one I am always hurting them and me.I have never felt love,passion and security like my boyfriend gives me and it scares me so I runaway he wants to marry me and take care of me something my husband never has done he is every thing my husband was not.PLEASE HELP!!!

Answer
Hi,

I think before you can choose, you need to know what you value, who you are (roles) and what you want. I'd also figure out what each of these men give to you. I would guess that your values and desires conflict, so you need to find a HEALTHY way to figure out how to meet both. As long as there is a conflict, you will be in turmoil. Once you figure those things out, you will know what to do. There is no way to split yourself in half. Neither will likely let you be with both, so you have some soul searching to do.

I'd suggest counseling to help you get clear.

If this is something you feel you can do on your own, try http://journeyofme.net/xmb for support of people who are doing the same thing.

Another site that may help is http://marriagebuilders.com. It can explain why affairs happen. This can help you to see what your lover gives you, what your husband gives you, and what you want.

Sorry that I was not able to give you a concrete answer, but there isn't one that can come from someone outside of yourself. You have some work to do before it will be clear to you.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles