Expert: Laura Giles - 1/22/2012

Question
I am concerned that my wife may have had sex with another man. Let me start by saying that after our youngest son was born 17 years ago she went PPD badly. Our relationship has never been the same sexually but it was getting better until about 10 years ago when our sex life seemed to almost go away. She started to seem distant. About 8 years ago we got a call on house phone and it was for my wife but she wasn't home from work yet and I just happened to be off that day because I had a schedule change for another employee being on vacation. I told them she wasn't home and ask if I could take a message. They asked who I was and I told them I was her husband and they proceeded to tell me that they had been having sex with my wife. This of course turned into an argument on the phone and my wife came in during it and stood there asking me what was going on. When I told her she got on the phone and they Hung up. She swore she had never and would never cheat on me. I let go. 9 years later I find a video on an amateur site of what look, sounds, moves, and has the same actions of my wife. While video quality is great I cannot be 100% positive that it is her but the female in the video has the same body style and has the same movements and her voice is so close that I slipped that voice in another video and no one could tell the difference between the two voices. The other thing is a scar on the front of her right leg were she slipped while shaving her leg but that doesn't mean that another female hasn't done that too. I checked on line for signs of a cheating wife and to my surprise. She shows almost all of them. I brought it up to her and she wanted to see the video. While watching it I watched her and she almost started to cry and then denied that it was her. She swore that it was not. After about a week she asked me if I believed her and I told her yes. I love my wife very much and if she had made a mistake once I'm sure that I would forgive her. I am concerned that she was not honest with me though. Her actions over it seem wrong. I expected the denial but for her start to cry when she seen the video and she is not the type of person to be hateful forwards me over over something and then just start having sex with me. This actually raised my suspicion more that she may have lied. The other thing is she has brought up the video on several occasions saying that I am making reference to the video. I honestly am not doing this at all. So that leads me to believe that after 6 months this video is still on her mind. But why I ask myself. Is it possible that it was her and she has feelings of guilt and thinks that if I find out the truth and that she lied to me about it I will leave her. I told her that if it were true I would want to work it out because I love her and don't want to lose her. I have tried very hard to make sure that I show her attention and try to be more romantic but I still get the feeling from the way she acts that she feels guilty for something. I am actually looking for an opinion on what I should do. We have been married for 20 years. I have not brought up any of it to her for 6 months but she has made reference to it even as recently as last week. I am just concerned and would like some advise on what I should do.
Thank you.

Answer
Hello,

You said that you want to work things out and you are looking for opinions on what to do. So, in order for me to advise you on what you should do, I need to know what you perceive as the problem. It looks like the problem is that you doubt your wife's fidelity and honesty. "Working it out" presumably means getting to a place where you can trust your wife. So, how do you do that?

I think trying to gather hard evidence of infidelity from long ago is a lost cause. You're not going to get that. Best to let that go.

If you feel that the evidence you have points to infidelity and lies, you have to trust that. It does you no good to deny your intuition, eyes, ears and gut. I have known MANY people who have had all the evidence they really needed to be sure that their partner was cheating, but they just didn't want to accept it. So, the lies continued until there was no way to deny it. All that the demand for proof got them was lost time. Trust your gut.

If that is not good enough for you, see a counselor. The counselor can help you to let go of your need for proof and to rebuild what you have now. If what you want more than anything is to reconnect, you are going to have to start from where you are today. You can't move forward if you keep looking back. A third party can help you to stay on track and maintain focus so that you reach your goals.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles