Adultery/Need help!!!


Hi, I just recently discovered my husband of ten years was having an emotional affair with my sister in law (my brother's wife). They had been texting each other about 3 months ago. At first it was just friendly, then they started getting a little more intimate. He swears there was never anything sexual, neither physical nor virtual. It was just text. But it was indeed very lovingly. She did state several times that she would like to hug and kiss him passionately and of course sleep with him (I came across the texts). He said he wanted to also, but he loved me too much to do so.  But still, kept on going with the texts. They started and ended back again three times in total. Both understanding that this was harmful to both our marriages but then she would start texting him again saying she couldn't stand to be ignored like that and they started back again, more intense after that. All the while I could sense something was going on and I brought it up a couple of times but of course he would deny it. He would also stop hugging me and kissing me whenever she was around. When I  mentioned it, he said he didn't notice he was doing it and that he was sorry, but I noticed he would hug and kiss me only when she wasn't around still. I began feeling very resentful towards her and whenever I would say something negative about her he would jump to defend her, even when it was something she did that affected me.  We live next door to each other and my brother and I are (or sadly,  were) very close, so we would see each other often. I could notice the constant glances they sent each other and it was like stabbing a knife inside every inch of my body. Of course, more denial from him. We began to grow apart, the began to grow closer to one another.
I would find him texting on his phone all hours of the night, and he would even take it to the bathroom with him.
Then one night I was feeling off the weather with fever and I lay down next to him on the bed. He hugged me and my eye caught a a piece of the conversation. She was asking him if we wanted to do something together that night (we often went out to the movies and such), he answered back that I was ill and she said No, just the two of us. He answered Just you and I? yes. I confronted him and he came clean. I discovered that night they even had a private email account they had made up just so they could keep chatting, since my brother had found the phone bills and made it clear he did not want them texting anymore, that it made him uncomfortable. Sadly, my brother never mentioned any of this to me because he didnt know the nature of the messages, he just thought they continued to be friendly but very very frequent, which is what bothered him. He talked to my husband and of course to her, but not to me so I was never aware of anything.
I can't begin to describe the terrible pain, anger, confusion and overall nausea I felt through those first few days. They went by as in a haze, getting the kids ready for school, going to work, running errands, coming back home. All I felt was numbness and pain. He lied to me several times. He denied everything. He told her he loved her and wished he could be with her. All the while being with me, pretending everything was good. Trying to get closer together. But how?
Bottom line is, he swears its over, that it was just all a stupid foolish game. He was playing with fire and he didn't know how to stop. And he understands he hurt me deeply and wants to work it out. That he never stopped loving me and that she was the one who seduced him and took it further. You know what? it takes two to tango, and he danced to the beat.
They don't talk anymore, or so he states, And he is committed to making our marriage work. He constantly texts me now, saying he is thinking about me and that he loves me...but sadly I can't help but think if that is what he wrote to her. That the nicknames he uses for me are the same he used for her. I can't help but ask him constant questions about how he felt when he would write to her that he loved her, he says he didn't feel anything, that those were just words. That I can't compare what he feels for me to what he felt for her. Was it lust? was it love? what was it? he gets angry. he says he doesn{t want to talk about her, that he is trying to get her out of his life and that I'm bringing her back in every time I mention her. That to move on we have to concentrate on us, not them, not her.
But how? How do I get over this? How do I move on? i have to see her face every day!!! we live next door to each other. And oh, I forgot to mention, I{ m 8 weeks pregnant. This was a baby conceived while his mind and probably lust was somewhere else. He is thrilled with this pregnancy but I can{t help but feel saddened that it happenned while he was saying I love to someone else.
Is this stupid? when I write it down it seems foolish but it definetly isnt. I feel hurt and alone and I cant seem to move on. I'm constantly checking his emails and cell phone. And I found a couple of old emails he sent her with songs dedicated to her. romantic songs, sexy songs, and so on.
And the waves of nausea strated again. i cant forgive him. I cant move on
Please help.

Dear J,

The first piece of advice I have for you is that someone has to move. The temptation of having a willing lover next door is just too much. It doesn't do you or your brother's marriage any good.

Second, you can't just not talk about it. If you sweep it under the rug, it doesn't go away. You just don't get to learn from it. All this happened for a reason. If you can address the reason, it never has to happen again and the two of you can grow from it. Your love can be stronger. It doesn't get stronger by avoiding tough issues.

I cannot tell you what your husband felt for her. I don't know if it was lust or love.

You get over this by living your life, being happy, and fixing the problem. It's not just that he did these things. He did them for a reason. Find the reason. Face it head on. Fix it.

Continue to check up on him. If you keep checking and find nothing wrong, you will eventually start to trust him again. If he does slip up again, you will know and be able to do something about it.

Also, I'd get it out in the open with your brother. If you act like it's this big secret, the two of them get to keep their dignity. There should be consequences. If there are no consequences, why wouldn't he just do it again?

No, none of this is stupid. Your husband played with fire and severely damaged his family. That's not stupid.


Laura Giles


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Laura Giles


Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues


I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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