My wife and I met 20 years ago, were best friends for the first 5 or 6 years before things progressed. This is a woman I thought I knew front and back :(. We spent 2 years separated due to immigration issues ( U.S. / Canada ) and during those 2 years, She had an affair. It was at a time for us when we were in a bad way. There seemed to be no end in sight to the immigration and being together, being married 7 years of the 20 and living together, then that separation was extremely difficult on both of us. This is a girl who has tried to have me since she was 16yrs old, and finally got her way :). I found about the affair during a surprise visit to her..she was 6.5 months pregnant :(. I stayed with her for remainder of pregnancy and the birth..but she wanted me to accept the baby, to be a father to the baby, to pretend nothing had changed, but..I had similar thoughts to another i read here, I wanted to punish her, and let her feel that feelings i was going through. I found it almost easy to forgive the affair, because of how things were, I held no blame to her..but the child..I cannot get past that. I begged her to think about adoption, she agreed,another lie in many, as I kept coming across items of his, or memories they had, photos, another life being led by a woman I thought I knew completely. I feel so stupid. My question..is how do I get past it ? I have gone back to my home and its been 3 months since i came back, but the sadness, the pain, anger, oh the anger..I cannot shake it :( I defend her at every turn, but know the consequences of what shes done. We have 2 children together, 15 and 9 and I have lost them all, each minute is a struggle, and when trying to talk with my children, i get guilt trips, cause i left her, i wouldn't try, i wouldn't forgive.. need advice badly :(
The first thing I want to say is that just because you were true to yourself and honored the fact that you couldn't be a father to another man's baby does not mean that you have to turn your back on your children. Your children need you. They are 9 and 15. If you think that they don't understand what is going on and don't blame your wife for what she did, you are wrong. Kids often lash out at the parent who is not there or is most reliable because putting the blame where it belongs is too risky.
Be strong for your kids. Don't be the person they accuse you of being. Don't leave them. Love them.
Now, the only way to get past the infidelity and lies is to live your life. Have fun. Be happy. Do things that make you smile or grow. Take a class. Go dancing. Learn how to cook. Stay busy, productive and happy. Hang out with friends and family who support you. Don't give yourself dead time where you just sit around being sad. The more you fill your life with happiness, the less time for regret that you will have. Soon you will pass a day where you didn't feel sad. Then it will be two, then a week, then a month. It takes time.
You took a stand and were true to your values. You were true to yourself. Let that be enough. Your WIFE betrayed you and lied to you. How did she think she was going to hide a BABY? It is right that she has to bear the consequences of her actions. She risked losing you when she made that choice. You had a right to decide whether or not you wanted that to be part of your future. If can't be happy caving in to other people's demands. You did the right thing for you.