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Adultery/Confused with Ex


Dear Expert. My partner and father of our 2 kids had an affair 6 years ago. He left me for the other woman 4 years ago as there was a child born out of this affair. We have tried to get back together for 4 years now. he stays a few nights by me and then a few nights by her but he is based by her house ( all his belongings are there)I have asked him before if he was sleeping with her.
2 years ago he said straight out yes.This year he hasn't been able to answer me straight. He works away from home at least 6 months per year an has to divide his time between the kids when he is at home. I have reached a point where I had enough. In the last 6 months I met someone that I had been acquaintances with since young. I have started seeing him but due to the fact that my kids still have  a good relationship with their father and respect for our parents (including my ex in laws) we have not made this public. It does feel like a friends with benefits relationship though. when my ex cam back from work i gave in and had sex with him. afterwards i felt so stupid knowing that my ex still has not made his mind to come back home. I feel like i just want this long affair with my ex to end and for me to move on with my own life. how do i know that i am not confused by this new guy and the TLC and intimacy he gives me or with the fact that im just dead tired of the excuses and stories from my ex why he cant still make his mind up. Now i have to tell my new guy that i can no longer be with him due to the fact that I slept with my ex and I don't want to be that kind of woman. I so confused because i feel i will be sacrificing my happiness for my kids an that my ex will actually never make his mind up and the other woman will always be around. Thank you in advance

Dear MK,

There is no way for me to know what is in your ex's mind, but it does look like the other woman is going to stay around.  Even if he actually plans on breaking it off at some point, it's hard for me to see it ever actually happening unless there is something brewing that neither of us can see.  From what you are saying, I am as close as I can be to 100% certain he is sleeping with this other woman.  It's my opinion that if you choose to stay with your ex, it will come with the acceptance that he is playing the role of husband and father in both places.  Whether he's doing a good job of it or not is for you to discern and possibly base your decision on.

I would make your decision based on your children.  Your most important job is to give your children the best environment you have available to give.

You are confused by this new guy and his intimacy and TLC.  The reason I say that is because women are wired to have primary loyalty to one man.  Any woman with any values at all will be confused by including another man in her intimate life.  Men are a little different.  Your husband is not confused.  He wants the other woman, and he wants you.  The solution for him would be for both women to become friends and just accept each other.  He is certainly uneasy in the situation but only because he knows it's not setting well with the two of you.

You are in a situation where you are cheating and being cheated on at the same time.  Ideally, your ex would come clean and just keep everything on the table for you, so you could make a clear decision.  The most correct thing for you to do is to tell both men what you have done, so they both can make a clear decision too.  Withholding information in order to keep either one is making it necessary to live a lie, and causes either man to live with a woman who is not honest with him.  He hasn't been honest either, but you are the one within your own control.

In any case, again I would consider your children first, their well being, and your relationship with them.  I wouldn't do anything that would cause them to think less of you.  Basically, just do the correct thing to the extent that you can while keeping your kids as the priority.  It is very important for them to have a relationship with a father whom they believe is a good man.

I sincerely hope for the best for you.  Thanks so much for confiding in me.  Ask anything you need, any time.


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I can answer questions about how to handle your position with a cheating spouse or one that has cheated recently. How to straighten up your life and get back on track one way or the other. My answers will include God because He fills the most vital part in your recovery. They will also include help with the decisions you will have to make to clean things up.


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