Adultery/Dad cheated on my mom again
QUESTION: Hi I believe I asked you before on what to do when I foud out about my dad cheating on my mom the first time. well in sunday I had a crying mother on my door step again.. my dad cheating again and this time going further to the point of oral sex. I'm Hurt, angry and devistated. The first time I found out about his first time cheating was only 3 weeks ago and since then I approched my dad demanding awnsers on why. What he said was i dont deserves awnsers and I dont need to know why. Now i'm at the point were I dont ever want to speak to him.. Last time when i found out i reached out to him 3 times for him to man up and talk to me and he didnt.. i know he wont contact me to try ans salvage our already damaged relationship and that hurt just as much as the new news.. I dont know how to reach.. right now i'm so angry for ruining our family that i want to punch him, but i'm better than that. I want to cut all ties from him, is that right? I dont think i could look at him let alone talk to him. What should I do..? i dont know what is right or wrong anymore i feel lost.. I hate him so much right now.. what do i do.. Please i despratly need help...
ANSWER: Dear Stacy,
Your desire to cut ties is correct. His influence is not good for you nor your children if you have any. The things he has done should cause him to lose his family. That is the correct result of doing those things. In life, if you want to do certain things, you must accept certain results. If you want to be a part of certain things, you must live in a way that you can be a part of those things. If you want your family to have a standard of decency, then you must require those in your family to meet that standard. If they don't, then they don't have the privilege of being a part of your family.
Jesus loves each of us unconditionally, but in order to enter His House, we must live a certain way. If we live in a way that the correct result is for us to go downward into hell, then we must go that way. Jesus still loves us and feels sad that we lost our way, but He has a standard of decency in His Home, and we can't be allowed to enter unless we meet that standard.
You are only following the example of Jesus if you require a standard of decency and enforce it. It doesn't mean you don't love your father. Of course you love him, but your obligation is to protect the innocent from that influence.
He does not deserve to keep your mother either. She should leave him too. Every person that your father has betrayed should go their way and leave him to fend for himself. It will be the biggest favor anyone could do for him, to force him to realize the correct results for what he has done. Only then can he decide whether he wants to change his ways, to live in a way that he can still have his family around him. If he is not made to realize those results, he will continue to do what he is doing.
Stacy, don't be afraid to write again as often as you need. I wish you the best.
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QUESTION: Thank you for the quick responds.. I'm hurtting a lot right now due to his actions.. I always held my dad in very high regards and his action devestated me.. I'm really trying to understand what i'm feeling is ok.. i know he cheating on my mom but it feel like he threw away us.. No i dont have children as of yet, my husband and I are going through fertility treatment and this is effecting our chances.. the stress and pain i'm feeling isn't helping.. it hurt me that my future child wont know there grandpa but what hurts more is that he wont fight for me.. I found out about the first time about a month ago (his first time cheating was 10 years ago) so i forgave him because my mother did. during that time i demanded awnsers, he told me i dont deserve awnser cause it happened a long time ago. i tried to contact him 3 different times in different ways and he avoided me.. it was to the point that i had to trap him in his own home and told him to man up and talk to his kid.. I know now that he wont come to me or fight for me and it kills me knowing this.. I dont know if this is normal to hurt like this.. its almost like he died.. i dont know what to do how to act or what.. what does the child of a cheater do?
Your situation is very unfortunate, and so is the situation your mother has been placed in. The pain you feel is normal, and it's a natural result of a family member betraying the trust of his or her family. You are innocent, but you feel the pain caused by something that someone else did. It's the same as being physically harmed by someone. Even though you did nothing wrong, they caused pain in you, and you must endure it whether anyone likes it or not. You and your mother are just the harmed innocent.
Your feeling like your father has died is also a normal feeling that good and decent people get when someone close commits something so far removed from the world they know. In a sense, he has died.
This idea of cutting ties is something people must go through, but it is naturally one of the most difficult things anyone can do. Parents must occasionally go through this torture with a child, if the child commits something that puts other children and family members at risk from the dangerous influence. Children must occasionally go through it with their parents, as in your situation. I say "must," but that doesn't mean anyone is commanding you. It's your decision, but I must say it is the correct decision. Like it or not, it is your father's own responsibility to earn his place back in the family through his owning up to what he's done, apologizing, and repenting. The cold hard truth is he does not deserve to have his family around him while he is doing what he is doing.
I watched a family with multiple children where the oldest child got himself into trouble with the law, and descended into promiscuous activity, then alcohol, drugs, theft, and the like. The mother could not give up her attachment to her son, so she continued to allow him around the house while she tried to raise her younger children. Her excuse was "I need to keep him close, or how can I help him to do better?" The influence of this older brother destroyed her whole family. She is now blessed with children who are a group of dead beat losers, all of whom have spent time in jail except one daughter who found a decent man and is raising a decent family. If she had forced that oldest son to face the loss of his decent family as a result of his actions, I believe he would have changed his ways in order to regain his place. This doesn't always happen, but doing that probably creates the best chance of it happening.
I witnessed another family where the oldest son got into corruption that was unacceptable to his mother's family. She cried and cried, but she knew she had to cut ties in order to save the rest of her children. She would not allow him around the house, not even at holidays. Because of this, the other children were free of that influence, and they also realized the seriousness of getting into trouble, and they determined to remain decent to avoid having to cut ties with their upstanding and law abiding family members. That must be the greatest pain a person can go through, but is the correct thing to do when one person makes unfortunate decisions that harm others.
I know you are hurting, and I am familiar with the pain you feel. You are completely welcome to write as often as you need to.