Adultery/losing my mind
Hello, I want to tell you something and hopefully you can help me.
Some background info - I am a 28yo male, married for a couple of years and have been suffering on and off from depression for a good few years. Most of my depression is related to me and my personality. I should try to explain a bit more. I have always been a quiet and shy person. I get on well with pretty much anyone but I dont have any close friends, even among members of my family who I rarely see. I guess at times I feel lonely and would like to be more 'normal' (you probably hate that word but there it is). The situation is probably not helped by my wife working out of the country during the week and only back at weekends. Lately I have tried to be a bit more sociable with my work friends and also my wifes sister and her partner (just together, not married or engaged). I have been to see a counseller to talk about my depression and other issues for a few weeks. This week was a very tough week, I think things just got on top of me a bit too much - being lonely, cold weather, wife away etc.. and a bad week in work. On one of the evenings, my wifes sister came round for a cup of tea and a chat and I guess she could see something wasnt quite right with me and was asking questions. I guess I was at a particularly low point so I blurted out everything about how I had been feeling lately etc... and had a bit of a cry. My wifes sister offered me a hug which is just what i needed. However, as we separated, I kissed her. Im not really too sure what happened next, I think she was just surprised and caught offguard really while I apologised. Im not sure how long she stayed before getting a taxi, might have been 5mins or 30mins, its all a blur. Since then I have thought of nothing else. It's probably not helped by the fact that I find my sister in law very attractive and I think about her quite a bit while masturbating during the week/in shower etc... Ive even fantasised about her wearing her bridesmaid's dress for me. I guess all of this has me more confused than ever!
What do you think about my situation?
I have a question. Are you paying the counselor? And how much? I ask this question because I have the cure for depression and I'll offer it to you for free. I can also tell you that if a depressed person came to me for advice and he was paying by the counseling session, if I was a financial-minded person I would probably want to schedule a whole program of sessions during which I would "cure" his problem over time. That would maximize my income by giving me more opportunity to do what I do to make money. What I'm saying is if someone is making money from the fact that you are depressed, how badly do they really want you to stop coming around and stop paying? The cure for depression can be given in one word. Really. One magic word and if you do it, you're cured.
Now this situation with your wife's sister is fairly simple too. You have a battle between your animal instinct and your honesty/integrity. Which side will win? Will you be strong and true, or will you fold under weakness? That's how simple it is.
Allowing yourself to be alone with your wife's sister is the first part of cheating and it's wrong. It's just as wrong as if your wife was spending time alone with another man while she's away, looking at him and wanting him the same way you do with her sister. You kissing her sister was just as wrong as it would have been if your wife had kissed another man with all the desire and passion you had when you did it.
The only way you can have your wife's sister without damaging someone for life is if everyone agrees for the three of you to dwell together as a family. This agreement has to be made BEFORE you do anything wrong with K. You have already kissed K, which is way overboard. That alone may be enough to end your marriage, depending on the mindset of your wife. Take control of your own mind and do the right thing. K has a boyfriend and I'm sure the two of them have at least an unspoken agreement to show some kind of integrity to each other while they are considering themselves "together." Pull yourself together. If your wife being away so much is presenting a serious problem, then you need to tell her up front how hard it is for you to be away from her that much. You need to also tell her that you are having thoughts about her sister as a result of your lonliness, and you see it as a genuine threat to your marriage if the two of you don't work something out.
The cure for depression is accomplishment. Build something. Exercise in a measurable way and track your improvement. Learn something. In my own case, I learned how to fly a 4-line power kite which is strong enough to pick me up off the ground, and it's one of the most awesome feelings. You can buy one at www.awindofchange.com. Call Kent Kingston at the number on the site and he can help you get set up with a beginner's kite. You wouldn't believe the fun you could have until you try it. In any case, accomplishment, in any positive context, cures depression. I didn't say it helps or it's a treatment. I said it cures it and that's what I mean. And as long as you continue to accomplish, your depression stays cured. Learning is a form of accomplishment, and it's just as effective at curing depression as building something or improving yourself by physical exercise.
I do understand your problem because I have experienced the same feelings and the same temptations you are feeling. I know what it takes to overcome and be real, to do the right thing. I know it can be done. Don't hesitate to ask for all the help you need. That's why I'm here. Thanks again for confiding in me, and best of luck to you.