Adultery/Sex Addiction


How does one deal with continually finding a spouse having in private sexual discussions online?

We have been married 15+ years and have numerous kids together. We have a close relationship. We are sexually active 1-2 times a day. My husband has multiple orgasms each time we are together. This does not satisfy him. I am a fit and attractive women. He says he is attracted to me and there is absolutely no reason to believe this is not the case. Yet, since we got married I have caught him looking at pornography and or having chats with people online about sex. Once I found out he met with someone locally and had coffee but it went no further. I have implored him to stop. He knows that it has been very damaging to my sexuality as I was a virgin when I married him and view sex as a relationship for only husband and wife. He feels that he keeps going online (something he is sorry for but keeps doing)because the dirty sex talk fills a hole in his life. He says he's not sure what that hole is. How do I help him to free himself from this? We already have lots of sex.

Dear Zoe,

You are correct.  All those feelings and natural urges are meant to be reserved for the husband/wife.  Looking at inanimate porn is wrong, but talking to a live person crosses an important line, and it's the beginning of cheating unless he is telling you in advance and inviting you to be present and participate.  If he met with someone locally without your advance knowledge, that is full blown cheating, although it hasn't become adultery if they only had coffee.  The question "how do you know" would apply here, in terms of what could have happened between them, since you found out after the fact.  It's going to be very, very important to your marriage and your children's stability that the two of you remain absolutely faithful, whatever it takes.

Your man is very rare.  I've never heard of a man who is capable of climaxing as often as you describe.  The dirty sex talk filling a hole in his life represents something that happened most likely before he can remember.  As children are conceived and born and develop both inside and outside the womb, their minds assimilate everything that goes on around them, including emotions and attitudes.  It's possible that his parents caused it while he was an infant, but there are endless other possible causes as well.  All or nearly all of them would have been either caused or allowed by his parents.

I think the easiest solution would be to join him in his online activity and allow his excitement to turn to you each time.  I think if you join up and do things that increase his excitement whenever he feels that need, he will begin to grow out of it after a year or a few years.  If there is no way to stop him, the next best thing is to make yourself available so that all those urges and excitements are carried out with your involvement.  You would not have to participate in the dirty talk, I don't think, but by dressing up for him and maybe touching during those times you could consume his urges and cause him to automatically think of you when he thinks of doing those things.

Those things were programmed into him.  The only way to change it without psychotherapy is to satisfy it often enough and for long enough that it begins to get "fulfilled" for the long term and he grows out of it.

Your question is kind of on the edge of my expertise.  It's possible you could get better info from someone specializing in sex therapy, but the above are the feelings I get and I do think that whatever is going on, you should be involved and not allow him to build any relationships on the side, online or otherwise.  Just plant yourself in the middle of his road in an appealing way.

Zoe, if there is anything else I can do, you are welcome to ask anything you need as often as you need to.  Thanks so much for confiding in me.


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