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Adultery/I'm the other woman...

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Question
I've been dating a man for the past year. I knew he was married before starting the relationship. He has two little boys that I adore. His wife is a complete jerk to him. He works three jobs just so that she is able to live her lavish lifestyle and so be can support his children to the best I his ability. She has cheated on him multiple times with other women. They had been separated for a few months but he finally had to get back with her due to the fact that she was using the children against him by not allowing him to see them. We are at the moment in a long distance relationship, but our communication couldn't be any better. He knows that I am in no hurry to marry or have children of my own even though he always tells me 'when you are ready to get started with that next step you need to let me know'. I am not sure how to interpret that firstly, secondly...even though his wife is not a very nice person I feel inadequate some how. I am not sure where to go from here. I don't want to say we are at a stand still because he wants me to actually move out there so we could live together. I'm just confused with how things are going. I'd like hear you input.

Answer
Dear Rei,

You're not going to like what I am about to say, but you emailed for honesty, right? So, here goes.

You feel inadequate and low because you are not living like the person you believe yourself to be. You have given all these reasons why the wife is the bad guy, but YOU are the OTHER WOMAN. The other woman is seen as the home wrecker, the tramp. Nobody wants to be that. If you want your self-esteem back, you have to live in ways that are in alignment with your values. I don't say this to judge you, but because it's true for all of us. When we do things that we feel are "bad," we either change the behavior so that we can be true to ourselves or we change the definition of what is bad.

It looks like you are the one being made to make all the sacrifice. This man is the one who gets to live out in the open with his family. You sneak around. This man is the one who gets to keep his stability and stay where he is. You are the one who has to move to move the relationship forward. This man was separated, now he's back with his family. I don't think that's a very fair proposition, do you?

If I were you, I'd cut my losses. If you say, "But, I love him and he loves me," that won't take care of the fact that, if what you say is true, you are dealing with a mean, manipulative women who uses her children to punish their dad. What do you think life with him, their kids, and her is going to be like? If you're thinking that she won't be in your lives, think again. She will poison those kids against their dad and you. That will make your lives miserable. It won't be the fairy tale that you envision.

Affairs are built on fantasy. Please get yourself a real relationship with a man who is free.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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