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Adultery/Trust and Integrity

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Donna wrote at 2012-09-27 20:22:40
It's almost October and that question was posted in February and today, I sit here, sad and tormented about whether I can trust this man or not.  He did finalize his divorce, had my name tattooed on his chest, gave me his passwords to phone and emails but changed them later.  He answers the phone each time I call, moved to a place I agreed to move and raise my children but inside, I have no peace.  I told him I would only move with him on the following stipulations 1. marry me 2. be totally open with all details of his life, including money, phone logs, emails, etc. He says he doesn't think marriage is a good idea because I'm so unstable.  He has let me look through his phone from time to time, but I still don't feel peace.  I've spend well over 2  years crying over this situation and have never been a desperate woman but today, I feel broken, sad, empty and tormented.  Today, I wish I had never met him.  Today, I wish God would clearly tell me what to do, although deep inside I know to run but somehow can't.  Thanks for the responses and the add ons.  Please pray for me.


The Man of Steel wrote at 2012-10-17 17:34:07
Donna,



If you read back over my initial answer and my answer to your follow up question, you will see that this man has already kicked himself out of your life.  If he says he can't marry you because you're too unstable, he's GONE.  Notice every woman he has failed to commit to, it's their fault, something about them that's wrong.  Truth is this man will never be faithful.  I very much appreciate you posting your feedback near the end of last month, because this is a rare opportunity for me to see what happened months after I made my efforts to give advice.  Running into this man was ill fortune to begin with, and now you know with certainty that he cannot be "all in" like he says he wants a woman to do for him.  He can never expect any woman to be "all in" with him because he will not do that himself.  After all his promises and putting your name on his chest, now he won't marry you because you are too unstable?  Of course you are unstable, because the man you love is a lying, cheating loser who is more unstable in relationships than you are.  Ok, we gave him his chance, and he has failed.  He held up a portion of his part of the deal, but he has failed to keep his promise of "all in."  He is "partially in" and that condition causes more ongoing pain than a clean break.  I would say this man is time-tested and proven to never be willing to be as committed as he wants women to be to him.  You should turn your back.  You have every legitimate reason.



There are a couple of things you need to understand.  One, the pain of separation is a natural result, and it will end.  On the other side of every fear, there is a freedom.  You have to endure the pain for a limited time, then it will be over and you will not feel that pain with this man anymore.  Unless, of course, you give in to the pain and prolong your relationship.  Then you will feel the pain more.  The second thing to understand is that when you try to break free, this man will plead and promise he loves you, promise to change, etc, etc, etc.  He may buy you gifts, he has shown he will even relocate for you, but he will never be exclusive and he will never be faithful.  Going back to my first answers to you, my advice is still the same.  We gave him his chance and he failed, so it's OVER.  Search eharmony and find a man who shares your values for real.  Again, stay in touch if you need to.  My goal is to offer real help.  I feel really bad that this man didn't come through for you.  I honestly wish you the best!


wisdom wrote at 2013-10-18 21:40:19
Trust your gut feelings. This is not a man of integrity. This is a red flag. Good men are men of integrity. Good men don't cause you to question weather or not they are good.  This man may have a personality disorder of some kind.  Feelings are not the bases for uniting in marriage. Ones ability to love and know when he is dating the wrong person, a man who can manage his affairs and is not so needy as to have women to be available. If he is one to demand sex...if...run  If he was trust worthy, he wouldn't have to tattoo your name on his chest and put a device on his phone.  This is a game to him.

I have lived long enough to know if you were my daughter, I'd say....it is better to live alone then with the wrong person. STD are another concern I'd have.  I love a man very much, but it is clear we are not going to work as a married couple.  I have integrity.  


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The Man of Steel

Expertise

I can answer questions about how to handle your position with a cheating spouse or one that has cheated recently. How to straighten up your life and get back on track one way or the other. My answers will include God because He fills the most vital part in your recovery. They will also include help with the decisions you will have to make to clean things up.

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Was cheated on several times by the same woman. We were able to save and keep our marriage, and we will never have this problem again.

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Purchase my book at www.youngadventure.com and reading this alone will be a major relief to your aching mind.

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Five years of college, 24 years of working in various hands-on fields, and several technical fields.

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8 semesters on the president's list in college, 10 arm wrestling championships, many local records in cross country running.

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