Expert: The Man of Steel - 2/2/2012

Question
QUESTION: I met a man 2 years ago and fell deeply in love with him.  After several warning signs, I explored and discoverd that not only was he married and had been for 22 years but he also had a fiance of 4.5 years on the side.  He explained that he didn't leave his wife because he didn't want another man raising his daughter and he didn't tell the fiance the truth because he never felt she was committed and dedicated to the relationship.  Of course he has several reason as to why he wasn't faithful to anyone and said he always wanted ONE woman but one that would be committed and "all in".  I could never get past the pain and hurt because during our relationship, he promised I was the only one.  I broke things off but he has been relentless for the past year trying to prove that he has changed.  He downloaded a tracker on his phone so that I could see where he is at all times, he got a tattoo (he isn't the tattoo type at all) across his chest with my name on it, he has swore that he is done with the former lifestyle and only wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.  He is 48 years old.  My dilemma is this.. I am truly in love with this man and have been in counseling and depressed since all this came out but how can I ever trust him again?  Whats the probabliity that he has actually changed?  How can you acquire integrity and honest after 48 years if you never had it before?  He answers these questions with excuses about what the other women di dor didn't do throughout the relationships.  Can he even have a conscience?  My heart is so broken and for the first time in my life, I feel severely depressed and torn.  I am so in love with him, but at the same time, who is he really?  he has provided so much for me and my children financially and continues to mail and send gifts.  No one has ever treated me or my children so well but again, has he changed?  Can someone really change?  he has a history of women, chatrooms, dating and traveling to see women all while married and engaged at the same time.  Please help me.

ANSWER: Dear Donna,

It is in fact possible for a man to change.  One of the things that can change him is age itself.  He is at the age he realizes life does not go on forever, and by his accounts he seems to have found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.  The challenge now, is for him to prove it.

You have full reason and full rights to let him know you need this proof.  Tell him you are absolutely the "all in" type woman, and this very trait gives you the need to be more certain than ever that he will be the "all in" type of man.  I think I would tell him that you are completely in love with him and you would like to see the two of you live together in love forever.  However, his past presents a condition that needs to be overcome first.

His letting you know where he is at all times is a good sign.  If I were you I would meet with him and let him know what you want and what your reservations are, and offer this solution:  Set a wedding date a year from the time you talk to him.  Let him know your only desire is for the year to pass without a single hitch except the one at the end when the two of you get married.  Let him know you appreciate him putting the tracker on his phone, but you also want to see his call log every time you meet, and you want detailed conversation about his day, who he saw, who he spoke to, everything.  All in means all in.  Tell him that to you, "all in" also means exclusive to you and open to you.  If he has ANY hesitation to show you all of those things at your request, it's over.  His past does not allow for him leaving the slightest hint or possibility of doubt.  If you love this man, give him this chance, but if he leaves ANY ROOM AT ALL for the slightest doubt, don't get your heart any deeper into him.  Detach, distance, and look for your soul mate who really will be that to you.

Again, people can change, and especially as they realize they are mortal.  He may be real, but again, he absolutely needs to prove it, given his history.  Watch very close.  This may be the happiness you've always hoped for.  It sounds like it's worth letting him have a shot.

Donna, I hope this helps.  I hope you will be cautious as you evaluate his dedication, and I also hope he does prove to be truthful.  I wish you all the best.  Thank you for confiding in me.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your answer.  He has provided these things thus far but there have been a few things "pop" up here and there.  For starters, he sent his ex wife gifts for Christmas and her birthday. He also has had email contact with other women and usually very hesitant about giving me email passwords, etc.  He is stationed in Afghanistan currently, scheduled to come home in March and that is when he plans to file for divorce (no, he didn't file before he left).  He swears he wants a life with just me and my kids but I wonder if I can or ever will trust him.  During our time together, I did find out about at least 4 other women he was in contact with.  He is 48 years old and has a long history of cheating.  I do love him, but something inside of me always doubts. Is this my own insecurity (what he tells me) or is it my intuition saying, run... because he has really hurt me enough.

Answer
Dear Donna,
Your doubt is reasonable and justified.  Logically the decision would be to run.  My position to give it a chance is because I tend to want to give people a chance to deliver on their word.  In other words, if he insists it's you and only you, my response would be "Ok, you are welcome to show me you are being truthful.  Of course you won't have the slightest problem showing me all your email and all your phone calls."  If he does, then great, we'll go on to the next step and keep watching.  On his part, he should absolutely understand your need to know. He realizes you know much of his problematic past, so he should absolutely and easily understand your need to know, and your need for repeated confirmation.  Again, if you see ANY SIGN that he has the slightest desire to keep anything from you, it's over, period.  If he wishes to send gifts to his ex, he should let you know his intent in advance and see that you don't mind him sending them, and keep everything on the table.  I don't see too big a problem with that as long as he keeps you up on every detail of what he's doing, and what he's doing is all acceptable.  Like it or not, he has a history with the ex and that is going to show up from time to time.  It comes with this man and it's part of the price of having him.

I would ask him to begin showing absolute faithfulness to you immediately.  He said it's you, so that means he needs to be telling the truth now.  If you find this was a lie, even before his divorce, I wouldn't give this another minute of your valueable life.  He has sworn himself to you already, so that needs to be adhered to by him starting from the time he said it.

To begin with you may want to take the approach that you are "investigating" him for a year to find out if he's safe.  This attitude may protect you from getting too emotionally involved in case a break becomes necessary.  If you suggest the one-year period and lay down your terms, and his response is anything at all to avoid any part of it, it's over.  If he says he thinks the two of you should "take it slower" or "give him some space for a time," it's over.  "All in" means exactly that.  All in or nothing.  He said what he said, now he needs to show he was not lying.  If he expects you to assume he's telling the truth without question, he needs to realize he has placed himself outside that ballpark, and now must be expected to prove what he says.  He absolutely does need to share all his passwords to all his communications.  If he hesitates, it's over.  If you are the only one, he should have no reason to hesitate at all.  I admit it does seem a little bleak, but as I said I always want to give people a chance to be right, and if he begins and maintains a perfect record, so be it.

Again, I am happy to help as often as you need.  I certainly wish you all the best in your future relationship, whether with him or not.