Expert: The Man of Steel - 2/7/2012

Question
QUESTION: hi
I have been with my boyfriend for one year . he's handsome and knows how to make a girl feel special .
last week I asked him to give me his facebook password cause I had a doubt he's cheating on me

I checked his messeges .. there was not a single message from a woman (which was wierd) .I knew he deleted them . while I was online a girl started a chat with him saying baby !! so I checked the history and knew they have been talking together for a year at least .. it was a dirty talk .. all about sex .. she lives close to him .. it looks like they are having sex (while I told him that I'm saving myself for marriage .. cause we live in a Conservative society and he really appreciated it just like any guy looking for a decent wife in my society)
according to the messages I could tell that she was a bitch he will never marry ..but he was enjoying sex with her, she was runing after him most of the time and always asking him : why don't you care enough about me ?
His speech with her was very physical about sex and rarely emotional .. nevertheless there were lots of messages , meetings , roses and phonecalls .. I also found out they met rarely

now he still doesn't admit it all .BUT at the same time he's begging and begging for another chance .. even begging and crying to my friends so they convince me to get back together .. and that he's ready for engagemnt if I say yes .
should I take him back ?? or dump him ??

Pc : we work together on a project at school so I have to see him 5 hours adays for 4 months .. dumping him is gonna be really hard cause I see him all the time and is gonna affect my study too ... what should I do ?
pleeeeeeeease help !!

ANSWER: Dear Heba,

I am extremely inclined to tell you exactly how your situation is.  From the outside looking in, it is crystal clear to me what you have here.  I understand that being emotionally involved makes things very tough for you.  I've been there, so I know what it's like.  Here's what you are dealing with.

This male person has placed himself in a completely different class from you.  This is not prejudice.  He put himself there by his own actions.  He is a traitor and a theif.  He begs to stay with you because anyone can see the precious value of a sweet wholesome virgin who keeps herself clean and pure.  You have a fundamental obligation to your future children to give them a father who has the same values you have.  This man who is capable of doing these things behind your back, is not the father your children deserve.  He is handsome and makes you feel special, but YOU ARE NOT A FOOL and you cannot be swayed by his looks and his charm.  He knows how to use his looks and charm on other women too, as you have seen.  This betrayal and secrecy from you that he is capable of is what he is really made of.

This is one of the reasons it's right to keep yourself pure, so that if you find your boyfriend is cheating on you, you can break it off clean without the emotional bond that comes with sex.

Of course he will do everything he can possibly think of to get you back.  Once a theif holds the golden crown in his hands, he wants to keep it.  He sees the value he had, he knows you will be faithful, he knows if he marries you he may be able to have a secret relationship behind your back but you will never do that to him.  Your value is clear and visible to him, so of course he wants you more than anything.  He's like the dog who wants to eat the food of the princess.

Heba, there are young men out there who would NEVER even consider betraying you like this man has.  Anyone can WANT the princess, but you have to find the man who DESERVES her.

I get so many questions from women in your situation, except these women have already made the mistake of marrying the man and having children with them.  You are in a very good position.  You can avoid the mistake before you make it.  If you marry this man, you will feel that pain again I promise.  I am so glad you wrote to me about this.  I hope you will keep your standards high.  Your kind is extremely rare in the world.  You deserve a very special man who will devote himself and never keep secrets from you.  I sincerely wish you the very best.  You are welcome to ask me anything you need as often as you wish.  All the best to you.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: It's reaaaaly hard I can't even think I can get over him
I love him so much
we still have one semseter far from graduation .. we study dentisry .. so I have to be his assistant we he works ,,and he has to be my assistant when I work .. he was such a nice a kind guy when we work together
If we break up then I have to work it all on my own , and live in pain cause I have to see him alot every day
do you think we could work together if we break up?
yesterday he admit it all ..he said they were friends and then she started flirting with him sexually and he couldn't refuse it cause he lived before in a very  Conservative society ... and she was the first and only  woman who offered sex without him even telling her : I love you
(in our society  no woman offer sex before marriage unless she's a whore )
now he deleted her from facebook .. he said he deleted her before and always tried to get red of her but couldn't .. everytime they talked he felt geulity and cried ..
I  could tell from his messages he was  trying to escape  most of the time: like I have to study now .. I have to sleep .. please I have a strong headache... I have an exam tomorrow (I checked it out and found out he waas lying ... he had no exam in that period )
I reaaly want to give him another chance but don't want to get hurt again

I am planning on working with him this semseter as freinds and not getting engaged now until am sure about it ... what do you think?

Answer
It sounds like it's possible this relationship could end up working.  If this man does have a similar upbringing to yours and has been taught the conservative values as you have, then one serious mistake can be forgiven.  There are a few factors that apply here, and you need to consider them all as you decide whether to allow him to continue the relationship.

1.  He needs to admit everything you ask of him, and everything he knows he should tell you even if you didn't know to ask.

2.  He needs to ask for your forgiveness, and he also needs to ask God's forgiveness.  It doesn't matter which God he believes in or which religion you are.  It is very important for him to ask forgiveness of that God he knows he answers to.  If he has any doubt that his God can forgive him, this could happen again.

3.  He needs to earn your trust back in every respect.  He needs to readily give you all his passwords to all his modes of communication and expect you to check up on him every time you want to.  He needs to understand that 5 years from now you may still feel the need to check up on him if what he's doing seems the slightest bit suspicious.

4.  He needs to be open and "on the table" with everything he does, everyone he sees, everywhere he goes.  A mistake like this does not go away quickly.  It takes a lot of repair work on his part, and it's fully his responsibility to earn your trust.  If you act like you still have questions about his behavior and he accuses you of "not trusting him" like you should, it's his fault not yours.  He needs to make sure you have no room to wonder about his actions.  Honesty and openness are key from here on out.  If you wonder for one minute whether he's being completely honest and open, I would break it off.

I think it would be good to set a time frame before engagement, or even after engagement but before marriage, where he would prove to you that he will be absolutely faithful.  During this time (and forever after) he will need to show you all his communications online or otherwise.  This girl he made this mistake with must be out of the picture permanently.  Any more contact with her ever, for any reason, is absolutely unacceptable and is grounds for your immediate separation.

People can repent and they can have a successful relationship after something like this, but he has to make the repairs and maintain the repairs for the rest of your lives.  If he is with you as a boyfriend and has sex behind your back during that time, the proper result is that he loses you and suffers that pain, and that the pain is directly associated in his mind with his betrayal of you.  If you made that happen to him, that is a major key to the success of the relationship in the future.  He needs to understand that those actions will result in the loss of his faithful partner.  The price of getting you back must be the 4 things listed above, and it's not something that comes to an end.  He must maintain those things forever.  Complete openness and honesty from both partners is essential.

If you know for an absolute fact that this man will be faithful forever, and is no longer capable of carrying on anything at all behind your back, then I think there is a possibility, but it will be up to you to make that decision based on what you see between now and sometime before you get married.  I hope I've helped you.  I want you to be very very certain this is a one-time permanent repentance on his part and he will never go back on his word.  Marriage is such a giant decision with such permanent effects, and once children come into the picture you have a situation where the decision you made about marriage cannot be undone without devastating effects.  The mistake this man made means you must know absolutely for certain he will never, ever even consider anything like that again as long as you both live, and you must know it before marriage.  Again, I wish you all the best.  I really care about those I try to help.  I sincerely hope all goes well.  Best of luck to you.