Adultery/What do I do?
QUESTION: In October my husband of 14 years came clean and told me that he almost cheated on me with a friends girlfriend, but then over the next few days I found out that he had been secretly talking to an ex girlfriend whom he hasn't seen since he was 16. At first he said they were just friends, then I found some emails and videos from her. He explained that they were close, but it was nothing and he only wanted me. I found a secret messaging app which doesn't come up on the phone bill that he was using to only talk to her, so I decided to call her. I was shaking and furious, but I composed myself and asked how long they were talking for, she said over a year, she said she loved him and that he loved her. I explained that he was my husband and we had a family together, he told her we were separated and he no longer loved me, he was just with me for the kids. I then told her that we were never separated and as a woman to please stop talking to him so we can try to repair our marriage. She said she would have to talk it over with him first, I blew my top and said she was stupid if she believed anything he told her now and if she continued to speak to him then she would be a homewrecker! I went home after work and told him we had to talk, but he was already mad and he asked why did you have to call her? I started crying and I left and while i was gone I thought how could I stay with a man who would continuously lie, disrespect me and be so shady? But then I thought of our children and realized it was worth one more try. So, I went home and we didn't talk for 2 days and then he apologized and told me he was ready to tell me everything. He told me he was lonely and scared, so he started talking to her to ease some of the pain of me ignoring him. She was so nice to him, never yelled, never nagged, she was always loving to him and I wasn't. So we agreed to start fresh, we started going on dates and doing things together. We had sex every day sometimes twice a day, we were starting to be happy again and then i found an e-mail from her about a new messaging app to try, so I went on and found pages of intimate conversations between them two and when i confronted him he said I had nothing to worry about with her because he would never leave me especially for her...he loved only me and only wanted to be my husband. I gave up and stopped caring and I think he noticed and he went on the app and told her that I'm his wife and I always will be...he's never going to leave me and she went crazy and he cancelled the account. I'm trying so hard everyday to get passed this, but I don't know how and its tearing me apart! I cry everyday and my daughter started to notice and she won't talk to her Daddy anymore. I don't want that...I just want to be a happy family. I almost wish I never knew...that it was a dream. I know he loves me, he just didn't know how. His parents never showed each other their love for each other. Everyday im suspicious about everything. I check to see how many texts he sends and receives. He changed all his passwords so I cant see anything, he also put a lock on his phone as well as a app that atuomatically erases all texts after they are read. What do I do to get him to understand what I'm going through? How do I get him to stop talking to her? What do I do about all of this...how do I get my family back?
ANSWER: Hi ana,
I have just seen this question floating in the unanswered question pool. Did anyone get back to you? How is your situation now. I am a new expert to this particular site but I can definitely help you. Let me know if you are still looking for answers and I will help.
If your situation is still much as you describe, you need some help quickly. I can let you know how and where you can get this help from. Let me know if you are being helped.
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QUESTION: No, I haven't been helped. Thank you for responding...it's still the same situation, I thought it was getting better but I was wrong.
ANSWER: Hi Ana
This sounds like a whole lot of pain you have suffered and even when you think you've patched things up and think things should start going your way, they just start getting messed up all over again. I really understand how you are feeling right now.
Every single thing you have mentioned in your question can all be traced back to one problem - everything stems from the very same issue. Let me try and explain.
The one thing that all human beings need is to feel loved - to feel that someone genuinely cares for us without wanting anything in return. Yet most people will never explain this to you. Most counsellors don't actually know this either. Some can be really good at saving your life at a crisis point, but most don't know how to give you the explanation of what is really happening. We all die very quickly without oxygen, quickly without water and reasonably quickly without food. What nobody tells us is that we die a really long, slow, painful and horrible death without feeling loved - sometimes it can take as long as 70 years to die from a lack of love, and it gets more and more painful every single day.
The big problem is that not any kind of love will do. There are only two types of love, unconditional love and conditional love. The only kind of love that is any good for us, and the kind we must have in order to live without fear and pain, is unconditional love or what I call 'Real' love.
So what is "real" love. It is when someone cares for you without wanting anything in return. It is that simple, but when you really get to understand how it really works, you will discover that 99% of the entire planet have no clue how to be unconditionally loving. From your question, I can see that it is extremely unlikely your husband received any unconditional love as a child - his parents not showing any love, so he didn't learn how. So, Sweetie, he has been devoid of 'Real Love' from a very young age, and simply because of the way you are feeling right now, I can also tell that you didn't receive enough unconditional love either.
When we don't have enough Real Love in our lives, it causes an intolerable pain inside, so much so that we will do anything to take that pain away. In fairness, a lot of the time we might not even notice the pain is that bad, but that's only because we learn to do things that mask it.
In the absence of Real Love we go out and seek sources of love that are not the real thing but that temporarily dull the pain. We call this imitation love. Imitation love comes in four forms - Power, Pleasure, Praise and Safety, and in order to get the imitation love in these forms, we use five different types of behaviour - we attack, we run, we cling, we lie and we act like a victim. All of these things give us a temporary burst of feeling better, but we never address the underlying issue, which is a lack of real love. We only ever deal with the symptoms.
Let me explain. One of the behaviours we use to get imitation love in attacking. A form of attacking can be anger. So, if we momentarily get angry with someone, in that moment it might give us a temporary feeling of power because we get them to back off, pleasure because we enjoy having control over people or maybe safety because the other person stops doing what we chose to get angry about. That's OK in the moment but can you see, in order to keep that level of feeling, we would have to be constantly angry. And I don't need to tell you, if you are constantly angry, you are going to die a very long, slow, painful and unhappy death. People go to their death beds having been in counselling for years, having attended numerous anger management courses, but never actually address the root cause - a lack of Real Love.
Ana, everything you have written here indicates to me that you are suffering an intolerable level of pain and all I am trying to do in this first answer is tell you there is a solution, there is a way out for you and it will all be based on your desire to learn about unconditional love.
Having a relationship based on unconditional love is just bliss - believe me. I know because I had suffered intolerable pain too and my life imploded at age 47. At my lowest point, I discovered Real Love and since that day I have been relentless in my desire to learn to love properly and be unconditionally loving to others. It works - it really does.
I never tell people what to do since that is entirely your choice. I can suggest things, but it is absolutely up to you what decisions you make. From my direct experience of helping hundreds of people who are in similar pain, I would simply suggest that you need to commit to learn all about unconditional love.
What would that look like?
I can pretty much guarantee that if you do nothing, you will continue in a cycle of pain. You might do things that temporarily make you feel a bit better, but unless you deal with the root cause (the lack of unconditional love) then you will repeat the same patterns of behaviour over and over.
Doing something involves learning about Unconditional Love and the most effective way for you two will be to get some professional help. I can give you lots of details of help available for you in the US - just let me know if this is making sense so far
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QUESTION: I do understand what your saying, I just don't know how to even try and achieve that level with him.
I know Sweetie, and that's one of the things you are petrified of. What is it? Will it work? How do i know he will do it? How do I know if he even wants to?
My question to you if what have you got to lose? Whatever you have been doing up till now is not working right? If you carry on doing the same as what you have been doing, you will only end up getting more of what you've already got - and that is intolerably painful. So, why not try doing something different? If you try it and don't like it, you can always go back to what you are doing now - right?
You have got everything to gain by trying it. First you learn a bunch of new things, then you go out and practice them. Then, if you practise them and get them right, you find peace, joy and happiness in your relationship - no more cheating, no more lies - just trust and love. Quite simple, but not necessarily easy to unlearn the old stuff and implement new - but who knows, you two could really turn stuff around.