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Adultery/Is it a mid life crisis

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Question
I have been married 20 years 3 children.   I found out out 2 years ago my husband was having affair with his first love. She contacted him on facebook then she moved back to our town although my husband says he didnt ask her to, he said it was her.  She moved back with her husband and children although they are now no longer together.  When i found out we talked it through-and we both decided to try again.  One year on i started to notice he had been looking her up on the computer, then3 months ago i found out he had been contacting her and had been sending her old photos of him and his friends along with one of him and my son on hols.  I was gutted but kept calm and told him to move put if thats what he wants, i told him he can have her.  He was mortified and told me he loves me and that he dosnt want her, they were just talking. He told me he thinks hes having a mid life crises and it has been for about 3 years.  I think he is trying but he hasnt mentioned it or properly apologised. I feel as if i have nothing left, what sould i do

Answer
Dear Jayne,

Allow your values and desires to guide you. If you want to stay married, create a plan with your husband that gives you both the best chance of moving forward. If you feel that your values would be compromised too much to stay, then kiss and say good-bye. There isn't a right or wrong in this.

There is, however, an effective and ineffective way of dealing with the problem. If your husband is having a "midlife crisis," the way to deal with that is not trying to escape with his ex. He needs to face up to the underlying issues. THAT will go a long way in helping him to decide what he wants.

I can see that you want him to feel properly ashamed and to do SOMETHING that will show his remorse, but that generally isn't how it works. Until he gets straight in his own head, he doesn't have it to give.

So, my advice to you is to do your own work. Figure out what you want. If you want him AS HE IS, do what you can to make your relationship comfortable and loving again. If you have had enough, figure out a way to leave in a way that is healthiest for you and your children.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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