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Adultery/Biological Father Truth Came Out

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I found out a year ago that the father I grew up wasn't my biological father. Last February this man sent my mom a message on facebook saying he was in town and wondering if they wanted to hang out like old times. My dad saw the message and eventually my mom admitted to having a 3 month affair with guy, around the time she had me, that was 19 years ago. There marriage was falling apart, and they were thinking of divorcing. When my mom found out she was pregnant, my dad wanted to try again so she never told him and she said she ended her affair. My dad ended things with my mom, and two weeks later, we got a dna test done and it turned out he wasn't my father. After this my dad aruptly ended contact with me, he told me that he didn't know how to be around me, that finding this out changes everything. It has gotten a little better, we do message each other on facebook occasionally.
  This past January, I met my biological father. and this was where all the problems began. My mother decided to start a relationship with him, and I finally met him. The intial meeting wasn't too bad, a bit awkward. After that we met a few more times, before things start to get very uncomfortable. He is telling everyone on facebook that I am his daughter, and how I am going to meet all of them, and at the beginning of the month he and my mom showed up to pick me up to go for supper. During supper my mom refered to him as my dad. After about an hour I made an excuse that my friend needed to be picked up. I know he is trying to make up for lost time, but I really don't want him to act like he is my father, when I got one and I want to improve the relationship I have with him. I met him, and tried to get to know him for her, but I really don't want to do it anymore. What should I do? This whole situation really sucks.

Answer
Dear Dana,

You should tell the truth. Your parents are moving at a different speed than you. This is information that they have had for a long time. It's all new to you. Maybe you will feel differently later, but maybe you won't.

The betrayal of your "father" wasn't just a betrayal of him. It was a betrayal of YOU! You have spent 19 years believing a lie. It takes more than just a big reveal to make that all better. You're dealing with a huge lie about your identity, your mother's infidelity, the loss of your father, the rejection by your father (which isn't personal, by the way. Give him time) the introduction of a stranger in your life who is your biological father, the possibility of having a whole other family, and your mom hooking up with a new/old guy! That's overwhelming!

I'd just ask for some space. Take care of yourself and the things you find important. Put yourself first.

Good luck,

Laura Giles, LCSW

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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