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Adultery/hurting over cheating man


im 27 years old and i've been in a relationship with a man in his 40s who is divorced for 3 years. he was still married but in a process of divorce when we met. i didn't know about his marital status when i met him because he was living alone and our relationship developed very quick into something deep. i was hurt when he finally told me, he said he feared that i'd leave him if he told me the truth from the beginning. leaving him was very hard as i was now in love with him so i decided to stay. he's everything i dreamed of, an ideal guy for me and he showed me so much love.

he's now ex-wife found out about our relationship and moved back to his house but realized after a few months that things couldn't work out and then she permanently moved out until the divorce was finalized.

he's very open with me and told me everything that happened between him and his wife - she's been cheating with her childhood sweetheart and kept on telling him that they're only friends, there are plenty letters she wrote to him and documents from the court - i don't doubt that he told me the truth.

i've been there for him every step of the way, giving him my support. some days were harder for us because of many things that comes with a divorce, the anger, bitterness and having difficulty to trust again. I've been patient with him and i really love him, they have kids with his ex and he's a good father and i encourage him to constantly see his kids.

now the problem is that he is a very jealous lover and has trust issues with me because he's been hurt before, he monitors me closely and wants to know all my whereabouts. i told myself that maybe he'll become better once he's over the divorce, but i feel i'm being punished for his ex's deeds and its not fair.

i've been taking care of his domestic matters, making sure everything is done as his woman, and we've been good until recently when i found proof that he's cheating. i've found hair strands that are not mine in the bathroom and later i found condoms (which we are not using), i also found out he's cheating with an older woman who is married, they don't see each other often as she has her hands full with her family. that hurt me so much, i never expected it, since we do everything together and he takes me to church and to other social events with him. he didn't confess or deny it, i decided to tell him to give me some space to think things through but he's been following me and calling nonstop.

i then gave him another chance because i love him, he's been very good to me since. i forgave him, but at this moment i'm still hurting and its going to take me a while to trust him again. he says he wants to have a future with me, how do i handle this situation? i find it hard to believe him whenever he says he's going somewhere and i'm always searching the house whenever i get there and i know this is not healthy, but do you blame me for that? please advise?

Dear Lolly,

Twice you said, "I went against my better judgment because I love him." My advice to you is to listen to your wise self. After all, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

This man is a LIAR. You gave him a chance to be something else. He's proven to you now that he's not worthy of your trust. So to answer your question, you handle this situation by respecting yourself enough to leave. You can't believe him. He's not trustworthy. You are reacting like any normal person would. It's not your behavior that is not healthy. It's your situation, so change your situation.

Do I blame you for that? No, absolutely not. You have every right to lead your life however you want, but I think if you expect the future to be any different than the past, you are deluding yourself. I don't say that to be harsh. I say it to be honest and reasonable. It sounds like you haven't had a lot of that lately and are in sore need of it.

I am really sorry that your heart is breaking. Please do yourself a favor and remove yourself from the situation so that it can heal and eventually be given to someone who is worthy of it.


Laura Giles


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Laura Giles


Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues


I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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