Adultery/wife cheated


my wife and I have been married for 8 years now,, about a year ago she left me for a few months to move back closer to her kids that have many problems,, mostly money and not wanting to work so my wife though she had to go help make a living for them...while she was gone she had a one night stand with a man she met at a party...the other affair lasted for a few months, it was with my best friend that I had in school...I haven"t had any contact with him for 40 years since we got out of high school,she looked him up on facebook and started this affair....she stopped seing him a few months ago and moved back home after realizing she was hurting herself more than she was helping her kids...  she called the man she had the one night stand with a few times after that but he wouldn"t have anything to do with her , so he is history, but the affair with my high school friend is the one that she thinks very highly of...when she tells me how good a man he is and how much fun they had together this always ends up with us fighting about it... I think he is one of the worst men there is after what he did to me but she still thinks of him as a good friend with many good memories and what he and her done waas no big how can I live in peace with my wife and not worrie that she could have more of these types of affairs with other men..

Dear Dwayne,

The answer is you cannot live in peace with your wife and not worry that she could have more of these types of affairs with other men.  As the situation stands, she can and will have other affairs, either with this same man again or with other men.  You mentioned she talks about this high school friend and thinks what they did is no big deal and then you end up fighting about it.  This is meaningless because there is no fight.  There's nothing to fight about, nothing to talk about, no reason to waste another day of your life with her, no marriage, nothing.  This is a "you've got to be kidding" moment.  You do not have a marriage.  Marriage literally means faithfulness.  If there is not total faithfulness, it's not marriage.  Marriage is defined by certain things and if those things are not there, it's not marriage.

Ok really, your goal here is to solve the problem, keep your wife and restore your marriage.  This is the way these things work:  Cheating by definition ends marriage.  Therefore, when a spouse cheats, he/she should rightfully be faced with the end of their marriage as a consequence of what they have done.  It's kind of like the pain system in the body.  If a person touches a hot stove but feels no pain, they will certainly do it again sooner or later for whatever reason.  Their hand will get burned, scars will follow, and the hand will get more and more deformed and grotesque over time.  Until that person feels the pain due them for touching the stove, they will never stop touching it.  Likewise, if a cheating partner can have their cake and eat it too, they will continue to eat cake.  If they can cheat without the proper consequence, they will cheat again, make their marriage more and more ugly, and they will even talk about it as if it was no big deal, saying what a good time they had and so on.  This woman is walking all over you with absolutely no regard for your relationship, nor the pain and hardship she has put you through.  Yes, your friend from high school is a worthless piece of trash, but what, exactly, has your wife made of herself?  Please don't take that the wrong way...I'm just putting things in perspective.  She may be able to recover and be faithful, but she's not going to change until she feels the pain due her for what she has done.

If repairs are to be made after a spouse cheats, the person they cheated with must be eliminated from the picture completely and permanently.  If the spouse who cheated has any contact whatsoever EVER AGAIN with the one they cheated with, it's OVER.

There are people who will read this and say "What are you talking about?  It's over the moment they cheat, how could you even think of keeping a spouse who cheated?"  And literally, that is the right thing to say, because that is the proper consequence for cheating.  Now there is a thing called repentance, and if we are going to follow Jesus' example, we will allow for a sincere repentance and recovery, but that should come AFTER the cheater has experienced the pain from the proper consequence of what they have done, which is the loss of their relationship and marriage.

In your situation, you need to tell your wife that if she talks about this high school friend and puts either him or what they did in a good light, you are not going to live with that, and it's over.  In order to have a marriage, she is going to have to feel remorse for what she has done, and repent and eliminate that man from her life completely and permanently.

As your situation stands today, you have already accepted her back into the home and she has not experienced the proper pain and result of what she has done.  That means there is more to do, and it will take time.  You are going to have to change your mindset and demand an actual wife and an actual marriage of her.  You may have to just swing it and hang with things until she cheats again or at least calls the guy again.  The way you might could do this is to just wait until the next time this guy comes up in your conversation, and let her know that she is going to have to eliminate him from her life and never call him again, and that if she does, the marriage is over.  You will not be wrong, because if she does that the marriage really will be over.  Just say that to her the next time the guy comes up, and then wait.  The next time she attempts any contact or does anything else toward cheating or anything to do with cheating, then things can come to a head and you can take your stand.  At that point she will go one way or the other, and EITHER WAY WILL BE FINE because if she repents then you still want her, and if she doesn't, then you don't.

Dwayne, I've been in your exact situation and I know what you are going through.  You can do follow ups and ask anything you need to help you get through this.  Thanks for confiding in me, and stay in touch as often as you need.


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The Man of Steel


I can answer questions about how to handle your position with a cheating spouse or one that has cheated recently. How to straighten up your life and get back on track one way or the other. My answers will include God because He fills the most vital part in your recovery. They will also include help with the decisions you will have to make to clean things up.


Was cheated on several times by the same woman. We were able to save and keep our marriage, and we will never have this problem again.

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Five years of college, 24 years of working in various hands-on fields, and several technical fields.

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