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Adultery/Does having a long term affair mean its truly love?

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Question
Please don't judge. i know this sounds really bad, but i need some advice. I have been married for 5 years or so and have two young kids. but i have been in love with my high school sweet heart for almost 10 years now. we were on again off again for several years. then i got married, and we have continued to have an affair for a long time now. The relationship feels so addicting. i want to stop because i keep getting hurt. and i feel like a terrible wife. and feel so guilty and used. but i just can't help it. i feel such a strong connection to my ex. He recently got married half a year ago or so. and we continue to have an affair, i know its wrong and bad. Its hard, because part of me wants to stop, but the other part of me has all these feelings and i just can't. I was wondering if he didn't truly love me deep down, would he continue on an affair for almost a decade now? that's a long time. do you think he has some kind of feelings there? or am i just being used? thank you.

Answer
Dear Ashley,

I can't say what feelings he has. The only thing I can say is what I see. He chose someone else to marry. He sleeps with you and lies about it. That doesn't look like love in my book.

You both sound conflicted. You both sound like you don't have the best coping skills or else you'd just be up front and honest about what you want and what you are doing. So, is he using you? I guess in a way he's using you to get his needs met without having to commit to anything - same as you are doing with him.

Love doesn't lie or cheat. Love is kind, pure, open, honest, giving, and doesn't hurt. What the two of you have is something else. I am sorry if that is not what you want to hear, but that's my opinion. Please do yourself a favor and figure out what it is that he gives you emotionally and find another way to get it that does not make you unhappy and compromise your marriage.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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