Adultery/No peace

Advertisement


Question
Hi,
I have been in a relationship with a man for the past 4 years.  He deceived me early on with lies of being faithful to me, in love with me and no desire to be with another.  6 months later I discovered he was married, engaged to another lady, and had a host of other email/online and "hook up" acquaintances.  I was devastated.  He manipulated me into believing he was the victim in these situations (no, i'm not dumb but he is a master manipulator) and I continued contact with him but refused to have peace because he was married.  He said his marriage was over years before and that is the reason he cheated and had only stayed for his daughter.  Nevertheless, he got a divorce, broke ties with the women I had discovered ( may be more, who knows) and now he swears he wants a life with me.  I am so in love with him and I have seen great changes in him, including his phone number being changed, direct access to him if I am suspicious or having doubts, etc.  He introduced me to his family (siblings, mom, etc.) and says he is a changed man.  My dilemma is this... I have no peace.  Is it because I don't believe he has really changed although I see huge differences in his demeanor and actions or is it because God won't allow me to have peace because I found out he was married and continued against my better judgement?  Will I ever trust him again?  He lied so many times in the beginning and I guess I have problems understanding how someone can develop a conscience or morals overnight.  Where were those attributes when he was married? engaged? dating me?  Will God ever forgive me for breaking up this home (even though I didn't know initially and was deceived for so long)?  Will I ever have peace with this man?  I do love him more than I have ever loved another, including my past relationships or my marriage (ex-husband).  I am in my mid 40s and have never dealt with this kind of issue.  Please help me.

Answer
Dear Donna,

You are not guilty of breaking up this man's home.  He did that all by himself, and the reason his home broke up was probably because of other women before you.

It's really hard to tell with a man like him.  Master manipulators are accustomed to winning.  If you left, he would lose.  Therefore he needs to appear to be an absolutely changed man because he knows what you need to see in order to stay around.  If he wants to manipulate a person with high morals, he must appear to have high morals.

Your questions are very well founded:  "Where were those attributes when he was married? engaged? dating me?"  The fact is this man knows how to appeal to the person or persons he wants to appeal to.  I'm really sorry to just lay it out like this, but I can't find any reason to give this man any credibility.

To get your best perspective, it might be a very good idea to look up his ex and talk to her about his personality.  Find out if he has made this type of "change" before in order to save a relationship.  Talk to his mom if you can create the opportunity.  Ask her to be honest with you.  Is this man going to cheat on you in the future?  Do you think he would have ever told you about his affairs if you hadn't found out?

Donna, I really, really want you to find love and have your soul mate, but I really am not going to put my stamp on this guy.  I just can't feel it with him.  He's going to hurt you.  I'm so sorry.

I appreciate you confiding in me.  I wish you all the best of everything.  Write again as often as you need.  Thanks so much

Adultery

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


The Man of Steel

Expertise

I can answer questions about how to handle your position with a cheating spouse or one that has cheated recently. How to straighten up your life and get back on track one way or the other. My answers will include God because He fills the most vital part in your recovery. They will also include help with the decisions you will have to make to clean things up.

Experience

Was cheated on several times by the same woman. We were able to save and keep our marriage, and we will never have this problem again.

Publications
Purchase my book at www.youngadventure.com and reading this alone will be a major relief to your aching mind.

Education/Credentials
Five years of college, 24 years of working in various hands-on fields, and several technical fields.

Awards and Honors
8 semesters on the president's list in college, 10 arm wrestling championships, many local records in cross country running.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.