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Adultery/I think my husband had an affair


Last year I was informed that my husband was seeing a girl and given a specific name. I already had a feeling something was going on but hadn't said anything. when confronted he said I was crazy and that he didn't even know this person. A few weeks later he came home late, drinking and started talking to me begging me not to leave him and saying how much he loved me. I believe that is when they stopped seeing each other. I tried over and over to get proof but could find none. Now someone close to the situation has came to me with the same name, and yes they had a fight and broke up about the time his tears started. I really don't know what to do, how can I get him to confess so that maybe we can get past this I'm really not sure that I want to stay but I do feel I deserve the truth how can I get him to confess. I thought about taking a picture of pool he bought for her and her children and just showing it to him. Just to see if it would get a reaction.

Dear Gail,

I very, very much appreciate your desire to "get past this" and your angelic attitude that doesn't seem to include anything negative to speak of, in this situation where most people would be full of hate.  You are right, you will never get past this without his confession.  In a marriage there has to be honesty and faithfulness.  If one partner is holding secrets, the marriage goes off balance and can never be wholesome.  If one partner is holding secrets of that nature in particular, then it's so far off balance that it cannot even function as a marriage.  Of course you know that as well as anyone at this point.

In your situation I think I would contact both of the people who informed you about the affair.  I would sit down with each one separately when it can be arranged and get all the information they have, and follow any leads either person can give you that lead to the heart of the affair.  I think I would wait before confronting him until you are well armed with information that he cannot deny.  In his heart he wants everything to be ok, but he is primarily worried that if he confesses, he will lose you.  It sounds like he has lost his tie with this other woman, and that does put you in a position of leverage.

Your efforts to find out what happened may even lead you to a direct confrontation with the other woman.  If that happens it could potentially be your best source of detailed info to use to confront your husband.  You don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed when checking into things.  Just calmly tell your contacts that you need to find out what happened because you want to clear the tension between you and him and save your marriage.  Whether he voluntarily delivers up all the details himself or whether you find out from another source and confront him that you know, either way the connection will be made and balance can return to your marriage.  He will feel the shame and remorse that is due him for what he has done, and you will feel the amount of pain that must be endured based on what he has done.  When one partner cheats and the info is brought to light, it's like releasing a spring-tension weapon, or it is like tectonic plates building up pressure then being released as an earthquake.  There is a shock wave the goes through both partners.  If the marriage is strong enough, or the faithful partner has enough love and enough strength to endure the pain that comes with the shock, then that marriage can survive.  In many cases the faithful partner or the marriage is not strong enough and the shock wave destroys it all.

Your idea of showing him a picture of the pool is a good one.  I think you should include that and possibly other pictures that you might obtain during your investigation, along with all the details you can get from any sources you can find.

After you confront him with information he cannot deny, if he continues to withhold and deny his part in the affair, then there is no marriage and nothing to continue with, and you really have no reason to stay.  This causes more pain, but when someone makes the decision to explode a bomb, you just have to deal with the injuries and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

In many cases, this knowledge that the marriage does not exist until he confesses, and the faithful partner's decision to leave because of it, is the very thing that puts the cheating partner over the top and makes them confess and ask forgiveness.

I find myself emotionally connected with people in your situation, and because of that I really hope with all my heart that you are able to stay and have a good marriage again.  I also realize it can only happen if your husband comes clean.  I wish I was close enough to give you some real help getting this cleared up.  Please, ask for anything you need as often as you need to.  Thank you for confiding in me.  I sincerely wish you all the best.


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I can answer questions about how to handle your position with a cheating spouse or one that has cheated recently. How to straighten up your life and get back on track one way or the other. My answers will include God because He fills the most vital part in your recovery. They will also include help with the decisions you will have to make to clean things up.


Was cheated on several times by the same woman. We were able to save and keep our marriage, and we will never have this problem again.

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