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Adultery/Out of justifications

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My mother married her first husband 5 years ago. They met shortly after she left a mentally abusive relationship of 8 years. This man was suppose to be the man of her dreams. She quickly fell in love and the rest of the family did too. She has had several relationships and they have all failed. The men either left her, pushed her away, or mistreated her. Her husband seemed different. Less than a year into the relationship, he was living in the house along with my younger siblings, half of which are girls (minors). Two years into the relationship it came out that he was sneaking into the girls' rooms at night and inappropriately touching them. My mother immediately called the police upon knowing and had him arrested. Since then he is no longer allowed to have contact with my siblings, causing my mom to live a double life as wife and mother. We were devastated and certain she would file for divorce. She did not. She asked us to forgive him because he is "sick" and it is God's way. Of course, we highly opposed and this was the start of a major snowball effect of issues within our family. My mother has a relationship with God and we have followed in her footsteps. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary, I learned. I was able to come to peace with him and began accepting him back in my life two years after the incident. Just when I thought we were out of the fog, more problems came up in their marriage and it all stemmed from his end. More lies were brought to light. Surprisingly enough, my mom still loved him and forgave him. All he had to do was justify his wrong-doings and she was back in his arms. These lies continued to pour out for another year. Every week was a new argument, a new lie. Finally, here we are today. They had hit a major bump in their marriage and stopped seeing each other/communicating for 2 weeks. One night my mom goes out in the town with a friend and she sees her husband with her sister. She lost it and immediately felt betrayed by both parties. It is confirmed that he has been taking/dealing drugs. So many issues and hurt within our family because of this man that my mom met only 5 years ago. I do not hate him. Despite his resume of wrong-doings, I forgive him. However, I do not want to ever have contact with him anymore. When speaking to my mom about this issue, I can see that she is still justifying his actions. When she does this she gravitates towards him more. My concern is that she will go back to him (thinking this time is different) and it will be a cycle of the past. I know she has to find things out on her own but prior to witnessing her husband and sister together, she prayed for God to give her a sign. I feel like I am fighting for her against her addiction. Addiction to toxicity in men because that's all she has ever known. Should I persuade her to finally divorce his man? I know marriage is sacred but she deteriorating with every minute spent with him.

Answer
Dear George,

I am so sorry for taking so long.  Please don't rate me badly for timeliness!  My email has been down for two months!

All I can tell you is what I know to be real.  You are absolutely right, George.  Forgiveness and acceptance are two different things that are not even related in some situations.  Forgiveness is necessary, but acceptance is not.  Some people accuse others of "not accepting them."  Some people who have unacceptable habits have accused me, my wife, and my children of it.  What I say to my wife and kids is this:  "If they are doing things that are unacceptable, then you absolutely had better not accept them.  First they must make themselves acceptable, then you can accept them."

In the case of your stepfather, it's true you must forgive him, but you had better keep him away from those you love.  Certainly temptations come, and when a girl's body matures to look like the body of an attractive woman, it doesn't matter how young she is, the temptation is the same.  It's not even perverted to be tempted by that young woman, minor or not once her body looks that way.  However, is IS perverted to act on the temptation, and that is the difference between a pervert and a normal person.  The pervert is off balance with his sense of right and wrong and his ability to be a decent gentleman and human being.  His inability to govern himself makes him a pervert.  Now if these minor children are young enough that their bodies have not matured and they still look like children, then to have the temptation at all IS perverted.  In that case he is a dangerous man and your mother should have the sense to run the other way at a full sprint and never look back.  He needs to be put away in a place where he never has the possibility of seeing an innocent child again.  A man who can look at a child who has the body of a child and feel that temptation is perverted to the core and I don't know of any cure.  Unfortunately I don't have any way to empathize with that condition.  I have no understanding of what goes on in the mind of a person who is tempted sexually by a child, but I don't need that.  I only need to know that I have to keep him permanently away from children.

Your question "should I persuade her to divorce this man" is a good one, and the answer is yes.  You should persuade her to get on eharmony and find someone compatible who has all the qualities of her absolute ideal man.  Dump off the questionable and go with something real and true.  Again, I'm sorry I took so long.  I hope this helps.  You are welcome to follow up with any relevant details and ask anything you need.  Thanks so much for confiding in me!

Adultery

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I can answer questions about how to handle your position with a cheating spouse or one that has cheated recently. How to straighten up your life and get back on track one way or the other. My answers will include God because He fills the most vital part in your recovery. They will also include help with the decisions you will have to make to clean things up.

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