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Adultery/What kind of relationship does he want with me? Afraid I may end up having an affair with a good friend.

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Question
Dear Laura,
I've known this man (let's call him Allen) for 10 years (since I was 15) we've always been great friends. After I turned 18 he started showing interest in dating me. When I was 20 and he was 33 we hooked up once but never got serious and we stayed friends after that too.

I've always got along with older people, especially the men I've dated have all been at lest 10years older than me. I got married to a man 15 years older than me 3 years ago.  I love him with all my heart and I know he is the best man for me. The last thing I want is to ruin our relationship. I've always been one for innocent flirting  and I know that my nature will not change but i dont want to have an affair.

I hadn't seen Allen since I got married, until we decided to meet a couple of months ago. It was great like old times and he said he was a fool to let me go. Since then he's been asking if i miss him and saying stuff like he wanted to kiss me and hold my hand and more. He says he knows he's a fool to be like this and he also has a girlfriend. He asks if I ever think of being with him, not necessarily in a sexual way because he does think of me often. Today he told me that he loves me.

It seems to me that he just wants to get into my pants. But we share such an amazing relationship, we get along so easily, we can talk about anything at all. So I can't help wondering if there's more to it because of the friendship we share. I love this man. I had hoped to  marry him but he wouldn't commit earlier and I moved on... so why all this now?

Answer
Hi Elizabeth,

Ooh, you are asking a question that no one but Allen can answer. I suspect that it's because you are now forbidden fruit and that makes you safe from his having to commit to you.

I think the important part is that you say you don't want to have an affair. If this is not what you want and is not within your value system, my advice is to cut off all contact with him. People do things and then say, "I don't know how that happened." It happens because of all the choices that you make up until that point that put it in motion. If you don't want to be his lover, don't spend alone time with him talking about love and kisses.

sincerely,

Laura Giles

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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