Adultery/HUSBAND DID'T WONT ME
QUESTION: I married my husband June 2006 and I never had true happiness. When I met my husband March (2002) he said he was separated from his wife for 5 years (so he says). He asked me to marry him Christmas 2003, one month after his divorce. I was never truly excited about getting married but when he asked I said he must really love me. Anyway, during the marriage he has talked about me and my daughter in front of our face. One day, he came home from work, I was excited to see him and I took his hat off his head and started to dance He pulled me by the hair and took the hat back. One day he told me to stick a key in my vagina because he thought I had changed the lock to the mailbox. He never said He was sorry. The past year and half he said I was a burden and I didn't make enough money.He has looked me out of the bedroom and won't let me get dressed for my mom's party. I wanted so bad to have a hug or a kiss but rarely go it. I couldn't have sex with him because of the way he talked to me. I tried It made me feel bad. He would go up and down the hall saying "I need sex" I know my kids heard him. I left him because he said he didn't won't me there. After that I had an affair and I cry because I won't to be right with God. I didn't won't this burden, but I don't won't to go to hell and I won't to be blessed with God's favor. I'm 43 and I won't love from God and a real husband. I feel I'm out of Grace and he won't bless me. My husband doing well and being blessed more. I called him names back when he talked but it seems unfair. The guy I cheated with used me because he knew my story I think. He is 40 and never married. He sits and talk with me sometimes but He never takes me out. I met his children and he said he cared for me. He has asked to borrow money but yet to repay. He is on dialysis and its hard to believe someone as sick as he is using people. He is also a Sunday school teacher and drummer. He says he's anointed by God through is playing. He also told me to trust him. Do you think Satan sent him in my life? Or was he a test? That I failed. I met him 30 minutes after I said Lord, I guess you wont me to be by myself. I was accepting what I felt God wanted for me. He spoke all the words I wanted to hear. Because of him telling me I am special and I don't deserve that treatment, I gotten closer to God. I feel better about myself, not shy anymore. When I speak with him God name always come up. He can't have sex but I would have married him in a heartbeat. He showed me what love could be like. I miss the way he made me feel. I almost can't bare the pain of being rejected by my husband and a affair in such a short period of time. I was going through when I had my affair. I don't understand why this is happening to me?
ANSWER: Dear Colette,
I believe this is happening because you are not clear on who you are and what you want. If you are the God fearing Christian that you seem to be, it's clearly not in your nature to have affairs. So, naturally you feel tormented by that behavior. Stop and your pain will stop.
If you are a person who loves and respects herself, you don't allow others to abuse you with words. You don't let people take advantage of you and mistreat you. YOU teach others how to treat you by showing them where you draw the line. If you have no line, they will step all over you. So reclaim your power. Know when to say no.
If you want a man who loves you, choose a man who loves you, not a man who says he loves you while lying, cheating, mistreating, and disrespecting you. Love doesn't hurt. Trust me when I say that. A man who loves you will not behave the way that you have described these two men behaving. This is not love. This is abuse.
Please seek some counseling and don't settle for so little. I don't know you from Adam, but I don't have to to know you are worth far more than what either of these men are offering.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: how do I love myself? what kind of counseling do I need? Can I just pray for a renewing of my mind? Do men look at me and see me as weak? I just texted that guy and told him I don't trust him. I told him I felt he took advantage of me. I pretty sure he is going to say he didn't. he may say he can't be with someone who don't trust him. he said that once before.
You learn to love yourself by surrounding yourself with a supportive environment that encourages you to be strong, to be yourself. Accomplish something. Express yourself. So things you are good at every day. Set healthy boundaries with other people. The more you do this, the more validation you will get that you are worthy.
I'd recommend individual counseling for self-esteem.
Prayer is always helpful. God helps those who help themselves.
Men see you as you project yourself. If someone tries and succeeds to take advantage of you, they learn that they can. If they are of that mind, they will continue to do this because you have taught them that they can. Nobody is going to treat you better than you treat yourself. Set some boundaries. If you are not in a position to be stepped on, you won't be.
If this man doesn't take responsibility for what he did, he's not a man. Do you want to be with that kind of person? There is no right or wrong answer. However, if you choose him, don't complain about what you are getting. He is showing you who he is and you are saying yes. Misery comes from wanting things to be different than they are. If you want him, accept him as he is. If you want something different, see him for what he is and go after something different.