Adultery/Extreme Guilt


Dear Laura,

I am a gay man in a gay relationship. We have been married for several years now. Two years ago I got reconnected with a guy a met online. After chatting online for a couple times, I went by his house. He performed oral sex on me. After this moment I felt really guilty and told my husband about this situation. I told him what happened, but I left out that I did meet him online first. I said I just saw him in the street. Of course, my husband was devastated. We talked a lot and finally got back on track. A couple months ago I chatted with the same guy online again. Because it didn't feel good to me, I finally decided that I had to end it. But since I tried that before, my feeling was that I should tell him in person. A personal confrontation would be the way to really end it. I told him that I was coming over and that I just came to see goodbye, nothing more. When I came in his house again, I told him again that this was goodbye and that we should all go on with our lives. He agreed, but suddenly he grabbed my private parts and then opened my pants. I was totally blown away with what happened and tried to push him away for a couple times. Finally after a couple minutes, I really pushed him away and went home. You might understand that I'm feeling extremely guilty now. It's so bad that my whole body hurts. My stomach, my back, my head, my heart. I sometimes feel I have to faint. I do sleep at night, but I can't get this feeling out of my body. I went online and read all about cheating and feeling guilty. Most people recommend not telling. I do not want to hurt my partner and relieve my guilt by telling him. But I need to find a way to deal with this situation. I know it's definitely over and I will never see or talk to this guy again. I kind of feel violated. I know this is all my own fault, I should never have gone to his house. I totally didn't like what was going on, I didn't enjoy it and I feel disgusting. This had nothing to do with pleasure. But I do feel extremely guilty and have to deal with it, before I go crazy. How can I deal with this guilt. Any suggestion are greatly appreciated.

Hi guy,

The situation you describe is called sexual assault. I suspect the guilt is not only because you "cheated" but because you put yourself in a position to be violated. My advice is to go see a counselor and tell your partner what happened. I am not sure in what order those things should happen. A lot depends on your level of trust and safety with your partner. You need his support right now, but you also need to be in a place to put your needs first as you are in crisis.

Two people can't be in crisis at the same time. If your revelation puts him in crisis, the two of you will have no one to turn to.

Best of luck. I really am sorry that this happened to you.

Laura Giles


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Laura Giles


Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues


I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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