Adultery/Other Women

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Question
I am the other women. This was not that I would have chosen to be or have been willingly involved with. Cause I know it would only lead to pain for others and me as well. But he lied to me about his relationship with his wife. He told me that they were separated and getting a divorce. I live in a different country to him and meet him over the internet .. but not on a dating website. And I met him in person last year when I travelled to the USA.

There were enough warning signs that something was not quite right because I did ask just before meeting him about his former wife .. but again I was told that they were separated. I was a fool cause I chose to ignore the warning signs and I accepted poor treatment.  I was focused on the dream .. that I could have a relationship with mutual love. I am 46 years old and he was the first person to ever show any romantic interest in me. I was looking for love .. what I got was lies and selfishness. I am ashamed to admit what I put up with.  

Since returning home I found his wife’s facebook and from that I know that she still believes them to be in a marriage relationship as she was posting about their anniversary. Her words leave little doubt that she believes they are still married. But when I challenged him he won’t admit that he is still in a marriage relationship. His claim that “I don’t lie” has me asking who lied then? Either he lied to me ...  or his wife lied on her facebook to all her friends and family.

He is a practicing Christian ... and his parting words to me were that he would pray for me. How does one pray for someone while not being willing to admit the truth or provide an explanation?  I doubt he ever cared about me.

All I want to do is cry. It feels like all of my hopes have died. How do I have hope again?

Answer
Hello Karen,

What you are experiencing is typical- both of him and you. Most women don't go into a relationship wanting to be the other woman. It happens just like you describe. You see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe, then find out too late that it was all lies. His part is also typical. The lies, lies, and more lies. They make you question your sanity and sound so plausible. Trust me when I tell you, they ARE lies. (for examples of this see the bulletin board at http://marriagebuilders.com).

What can give you hope again is picking yourself up and moving past it WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE GAINED.

1) You know you are lovable. Someone has loved you. Someone else will. You just have to put yourself out there and accept it when it comes. Be choosy this time!

2) Pay attention to what's going on so that you don't end up in a situation of having a partner who does not respect you.

When you begin to treat yourself with respect, men will too. When you see yourself as lovable, men will too. When you pass by men who are unsuitable partners, suitable ones will come. Trust that. It's the way of the universe. Like attracts like.

Sincerely,

Laura Giles

Adultery

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Laura Giles

Expertise

Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues

Experience

I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."

Organizations
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
National Guild of Hypnotists
National Association of Social Workers
Honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council
Virginia Mediation Network

Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs, The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, East West Woman. Tidewater Women, Dimensions

Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University Licensed clinical social worker

Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals

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